Saturday, May 30, 2009

Happy Birthday, to me.

Today is my 25th Birthday. Happy Birthday to me. I am a quarter of a century old. Happy Birthday, to me. I cannot believe I am already 25. Happy Birthday to me. That means only 5 more years until I turn 30... Happy Birthday, to me... Yes. Elementary school was good to me. I can add.

Although I am not a mommy, either growing in my womb or arms, their are still many other areas in my life that I did conquer before my 25th Birthday!

I have gotten and stayed married... In exactly three months, we'll celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary! (Don't let the sixth year mark take away from the whole stayed married wording. Yes. There were times when I nor he thought we would make it one more day better yet one more year!)

I graduated from College with a Bachelors of Science in Human Services/Management! This is something so many people thought would never happen, including myself! I am so very proud of myself for sticking it out but not without the help and encouragement of my ever loving husband and family not to mention the many vents to friends...

I have been a homeowner. Currently a rentor but I was, once upon a time, a proud joint homeowner.

In my 25th Year of life, I will complete at least one of the three books I am writing. This is something very close to my heart as well. I still am in awe over the thought of ME writing a book... Really???

I have moved from my hometown in Georgia where I lived from 1990 to 2008 to a never-been-to-before Missouri! And to think I did this and orchestrated the move and all by myself! Charles was useless in training in Oklahoma!

I guess it is a good thing I have come to terms with the whole still not being a mommy on this big monumental birthday in my mind... I am not only still not a mommy but still not pregnant and it doesn't look like I will be for quite some time.

I do have the same hope I have had the last four years though. One I do not think will ever change. I hope and pray that by my 26th birthday, I will be a mommy. Preferably celebrating while holding my newborn in my arms but I'll gladly take holding him/her in my womb too!

So celebrate with me on this day that is so bittersweet for me... I am sad at the loss that this milestone brings yet joyous I am here to celebrate with my loved ones, not to mention having my mom and Ray here personally to celebrate along side Charles and I!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Message has left us confused.

On Wednesday while we were at the zoo, ya know, doing this...
Seeing this...
Eating this... (Did you know that this was Charles' first funnel cake EVER???)
Pushing this while following them in the hopes of keeping babies happy...
I recieved a voicemail from my RE's office. I had called earlier that morning informing them that I was not going for the Progesterone test as I had not ovulated yet so it was useless. Yes. I'm still waiting to dag gum ovulate! :-(

She, one of the nurses, said in not so exact wordage, 'Call us if you need anything ever but we'll expect to hear from you near the end of the year to get things ready to go for IVF after the New Year.'

*Insert jaw drop here.*

And re-playing of message here.

Um... Excuse me? When we had the consultation with the RE last it was discussed that we would do 3-4 more rounds of Injectibles/IUI and come January 2010 if still not pregnant, we would move onto IVF.

This was specifically talked about... Doing more rounds of Injectibles/IUI before moving onwards as I respond beautifully. BTW- this was talked about before telling me I'm fat in so many words and us leaving still feeling frustrated.

So I guess he really just wanted to tell us that he thinks IVF is our way to go and we don't need to waste money on anything else??????????

Oh the frustrations. The confusion. The misunderstandings. The irrtation. UGH!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Jonas Brother Anyone???


Meet Jill. She's my cousin who started a company, Watch and Alert, LLC.

I have already written up a post on Watch and Alert and although I could talk a lot more on how fantastic I think it is and how many lives are going to be touched by this product, I only have one small request.
I understand that the blogging world is one of the easiest ways to partake in the whole Six Degrees of Seperation which pretty much states that someone who reads my blog knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who possibly knows someone who can get one of these watches in the hands of the Jonas Brothers. Specifically Nick Jonas since he is the one with Diabetes who needs a Medical ID...

Why is this important???

Well, as these Medical ID watches are reaching individuals the medical community is only getting upto par on educating the medical professionals to look for these watches as well as the traditional Medical IDs available. With the help of a celebrity (per widipedia the definition is "is a widely-recognized or notable person who commands a high degree of public and media attention.") such as Nick Jonas himself wearing one of these watches the word would spread like the California Wild Fires and thus ultimately, save more lives...

So again, I am asking that if anyone has any contact to the Jonas Brothers would you please send me an e-mail at MSwann2003@gmail.com OR contact Jill @ jillian@watchandalert.com OR visit the website, Watchandalert.com for further information and contact information.

And if you want to read more about Watch and Alert in the news, check them out here and here and here and Google if you want to read up more. :-)

Thank you blogging community and the World Wide Web!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Friend Poem.

I found this poem and wanted to dedicate it to My long time Friends whom although we are not as close (mileage or otherwise) as we once were, you gals will forever be the bestest friends to me!
The Way It Should Be
by Vergil F.e. Tudtud

Solitude have I to endure,
seemingly held with disclosure.
A fellow left astray,
as yet from yesterday.
Flashing your dainty, disarming smile,
warms my heart every once in a while.
Our longtime kinship
will always bloom with friendship.
It has never been so profound,
a lifetime friend have I found.
Let our friendship be a bond,
which can never be like a dry pond.
Let us not forget the dreams we share,
forever like sisters or brothers we care.
You'll always be a friend to me,
and that's the way it should be.
Doesn't that totally bring you back to like the 90's or something with the whole 'dedication' part of the poem!!!! hahaha!!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Guess What???

My mom and Ray are here!!!!!!!!! Have been for about 24+ hours. :-) Just thought my wonderful blogging world friends would want to know this in case you didn't already. :-) We walked around the mall today and I got the cutest pair of shoes ever! Will totally post a photo of them AND they were on clearance! That's my style! :-) We walked around the mall today with the nanny boys as well, we got a rather late start thanks to carseat issues and trying to fit two carseats in a SUV along with four adults... It gets hectic! And now, I'll leave you to go enjoy some Chicken Tetrizeni (sp?) that my mom is making! YUM! YuM! Yum!!!

There's this guy. He drives me crazy!

So. There's this guy that I know whom drives me absolutely crazy. The only thing worse than a heartless women who says insensitive things to an Infertile is a male who thinks they know all the answers and yet have not the first clue!

He has become rather intrigued by the whole me unable to get pregnant thing...

As I was drinking water he asked if I was "watering my ovaries". Yep. Not making this up.

He insisted that I listen to him and follow his instructions on "mind over body" here as "the mind is a powerful tool" and I just need to "relax and stop stressing out" and "take a year long break" and I'll end up pregnant.

WHAT????????????

Then, he had asked me why I won't listen to his suggestions!!!!

I told him that I'll listen the day he gets pregnant...

His retalliation?

So you won't listen to any male Doctors?

My answer?

Um, well, since A) I go to a male doctor currently and B) I do believe they've gotten more women pregnant than you have so I do believe they have the qualifications that you lack...

His response?

I could be a doctor... I just choose not to as I don't like touching people.

Yep. He thinks he can tell me how to get pregnant becuase he thinks he could be a doctor but chooses not to.

Sounds like the type of person I want to get all my baby making advice from!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Hypothyroid???

Oh Thank you so much for the comments and thoughts I have received thus far!!!! I have been googling like no tomorrow on the various topics!!!! :-)

First, my previous b/w results... Yes, I need to be re-tested before going on any meds to ensure accurate dosages and such. Just for fun though, let's use these numbers for this conversation.

October 2006 -

LH 11.6
FSH 4.3
Glucose 96
Thyroid 2.0
Fasting Insulin 12.4
Pilotin (Maybe this is the Prolactin??) (?) 9.3

March 16, 2007 -

Thryoid
T3- 2.9
T4- 6.5

April 18, 2008
Fasting Insulin - 3

Sooooooooooooo.......... After reading Gil's comment on 2.5 for TSH being the number at or below in order to get and maintain a pregnancy, I started googling. Although all my numbers were (yes, I need new blood work before proceeding or jumping to anymore assumptions) in normal range, I read that Hypothyroidism is undiagnosed so often since hypothroid people usually maintain at the low end of the 'normal' guide. Make sense??

Well, according to my numbers and the numbers my Dr. office gave me at the time, I am on the low end. It would make sense... It it bad I'm getting excited that this may be what's wrong with me??? I mean, if this is it we know how to fix it!

What do you think???? I'm really trying to get as much info gathered as I can so when I call the Dr the beginning of June (my mom is coming today! and I don't want to deal with it while she is here!) I want to have all my ducks in a row and know what tests to insist upon and those to not waste my time with. Or perhaps I should go to my ob/gyn and get the testing done there??? Would it cost the same??? oh geez... More questions!

I've got a lot more research to do so I'll just leave it at this for now while I go shower before hubby gets home from his weekend away!!!!! I'm sure the last thing he wants is to come home to a stinky wife! hahaha!!!

Thanks again for all the thoughts and encouragements!!!!

PCOS??

I have had quite a few people suggest PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) to me. Let me start from the beignning here...

In October 2006 I was diagnosed with PCOS by my ob/gyn in Georgia. This is when all the baby making became serious. I was told to go on Metformin and that my cycles should regulate. His plan was for me to take Metformin for six months. If not pregnant, he would put me on Clomid for three cycles and only then would consider monitoring or anything. Instead of taking his word for it, I insisted on blood work before doing anything different. My Fasting Insulin came back in the high normal range. Like 12.7 I believe. I was told that they like to see it below 10. Also my LH to FSH ratio was 2 to 1 which does indicate PCOS. I had the ultrasound which revealed polycystic ovaries he said. *I had no clue what I was looking at as it was my first u/s...*

With this new information, I refused to go on Metformin and instead change my diet and see if I couldn't lower my Fasting Insulin number. I went on the South Beach Diet and had great success. I ended up loosing about 20 pounds. :-) Which to this day, has remained off!

I started seeing an acupuncturist in early 2008 (whom I LOVED!) and at the same time, switched to another ob/gyn in Georgia who specialized in Infertility. He did another u/s which said revealed PCOS. He too insisted I went on Metformin. I agreed, if my numbers were still high after having another blood test. This time, after being on the South Beach Diet for six weeks and only going for acu about two months, my Fasting Insulin was 3!!!!! I was SOOOO over the moon excited over this! He told me that this number was way too low to suggest Metformin and thus would proceed without it.

With him, I did one round of Femara and ovulated beautifully on CD 16 but unfortunately, no pregnancy resulted. It was then that we learned about the whole moving and stuff that we decided to not seek any additional treatments until after the move and settled. So we went back to naturally trying...

Here in Missouri I just blindly picked an ob/gyn and ended up loving him. He did another ultrasound and insisted that I did not have PCOS. I did not have the traditional "string of pearls" around my ovaries and thinks maybe I was having the ultrasounds done early in my cycle and thus they considered the developing follicules cysts and thus PCOS? He wanted me to go on Clomid un-monitored but I just did not have a good feeling about it... I wanted to be monitored (and looking back, I'm glad becuase well, I am overly sensitive!)

My current RE has performed many ultra sounds and after specificially asking him several times if they are poly cystic he has said no.

I just don't know. I know that PCOS is a rather vague diagnosis as there are so many symptoms and you only have to have like three to be considered PCOS. Since that is the case, I do have PCOS. I just do not have the "key" symptoms of Insulin Resistant or Diabetic nor the Polycystic ovaries...

Which is what leads me to asking about another hormonal imbalance... What other thoughts do you have???

Sunday, May 24, 2009

For the curious George types.

I have just spent the last several hours uploading all kinds of info on our "Our Fertility Journey - In detail" page. It is just as the title says, IN Detail! There are photos and everything for each and every chart... It's quite the interesting page if I may say so myself! I hope the final chart will come sooner than later. Ya know. The one where I end up pregnant and stop charting! :-) One can dream, right??

Let me know what ya think about the In Detail Fertility Journey Page!

P.S. And don't forget to check out the other links up top there (but directly below the photo header)! Lots of stuff you may or may not have already known about us... And photos of the good times too! Gotta love those!

Get My Blog Button Whilest It's Hot!

I'm so super excited! I participated in Jen's "Crazy 8's" contest and won the opportunity for her to design a blog button for me! :-) So, check it out on my left side bar under the "40 Days" blog button. What ya think??


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Blogger Help!

Just as I've proclaimed before, I am not tech savvy gal! Instead, what I do is spend hours upon hours upon hours trying to figure out something. This is no different. Instead, all I have found is blanks. Nothing to tell me how.

You see, I want to respond to each individual comment I receive and have seen it done before, but I do not know how to. When I have received return comments via other bloggers it has come in an e-mail format straight to my inbox. HOW DO I DO THIS????

Just so you know I'm not being rude or something, I really do want to respond I just do not know how to and quite frankly, I think it would be funny if I wrote on your blog about PCOS or something else random that is not even topic of your conversation! :-) See, all for you am I trying to figure this out...

Thanks for whatever help you can/will/can provide me!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Greatness.

On my way to work this morning i see this. What? Sun rays shinning thru like no tomorrow. A long time ago i had the image that these rays would only touch those that had recently decided to follow christ as their Lord and Savior. I still smile when i see such rays as this is what i think about...

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

I'm Fat. Yep. Dr. Confirmed.

We had our RE talk yesterday afternoon. Let's just say that I'm totally unimpressed! I left feeling more frustrated then I did when I stepped foot into the office!!! And no, it's not becuase Baby A decided to pitch a royal fit while there... :-) That was easy to handle Thank-You-Very-Much!

So. We went wanting to see what the Dr. thought about our situation and if any further testing would be suggested. He said that he does not see any point of having a Laparoscopy as he said he does not believe I have Endometriosis. He went on to say that he does not believe any other tests are needed as I respond wonderfully to the medications and all the 'ingredients' are there, it was just 'bad luck' that it has not worked thus far. I'm thinking blood work, Sonohystergram (SHG), SOMETHING! But nope. Nothing.

He said, "If you were to ask me if there was anything you could do to help out, I would say to loose weight. Eggs do not like fat." Yep. He called me fat. Okay. I'm not going to deny that I do need to get healthy and thus the weight will come off, I just do not buy that this is the reason why I'm not getting pregnant. I do not buy it becuase millions of women all over the world who are fat, and some fatter than me, have gotten pregnant with little or no problems at all!

And while I'm on a tangent... I also do not buy that I have "unexplained infertility". I have irregular cycles. I ovulate at wacky times. My ovulation is not always a good one. I am overweight which points to some hormonal problem. I just do not buy "unexplained infertility" and thus the ultra frustration for not getting any answers for further testing!

All I know is that I'm not getting any younger and well, age certainly isn't helping me any here! I mean, come on. My fingers are getting wrinkly!!!!! :-( So not kidding you. I'm just frustrated and annoyed and irritated and upset. That's all. This certainly did not help these emotions of mine...

So. All in all. According to my RE we fall under "Unexplained Infertility" and I'm fat. That's it. Those are the only two things that I've learned from him! And well, he's not really even given credit for that as I don't believe the first and the second, well, it's not a secret.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Infertility Hurts.

No doubt. No questioning. No denying.

Infertility hurts.

It hurts physically.

It hurts mentally.

It hurt emotionally.

It hurts spiritually.

It hurts psychologically.

It hurts relationally.

Infertility.

Hurts.

Bad.

Although I cannot change this or else I'd have like four kids already, I am ever grateful for those around me who exhibit such great amounts of respect and compassion and not to mention sympathy... It is these individuals that I know although they will never understand even for a moment the heartache I experience, they at least relay news and have discussions with me where I feel like they truly care about me and my emotions.

This does not mean that they walk on egg shells around me. That they keep secrets to prevent "hurting" me. *Like learning the day of the birth that you are pregnant helps ease the pain? Instead, no time is given to ease into the idea and get used to it... Thanks for the consideration, heffer!*

It is the learning of the miracle of a new life growing in a womb not from a text message or thru the 'grapevine' or over indulging about all the many horrible things pregnancy does to one self. Instead, I much prefer to hear from the person themself that a miracle has happened within their life and how excited and scared to pieces they are. I love these real life conversations.

Don't get me wrong. Tears are shed. Questions are asked. A whole gambet of emotions are experienced in such a short period of time. Mostly, and when all is said and done, I am overly joyed for you and your miracle that I cannot wait to meet!

I only speak for myself as I know many infertiles and unlike myself, they are unable to do or be or talk anything baby without breaking down. Me? I can talk baby all day long! It gives me hope. It brings joy to my life. I smile. I laugh. I love sharing this with my people in my life. Unfortunately, it is during these conversations that usually comes heartless remarks (It'll happen. You're young. Stop trying and you'll get pregnant. Want mine? Be thankful you can ________! WHAT????) that I and many infertiles I know, avoid all baby conversations unless the person involved is one that can be trusted. This is the main reason why so many infertiles I know avoid all baby related events such as showers and births. It's the encounters with stupid people and usually putting on the fake smiles that all is okay and it's no big deal that you're still childless.

So please. When we talk baby, you know, the baby you either hold in your womb or arms, please remember that my womb and arms are empty yet ache for what you have so dearly. WE can have a two way conversation. It's okay. Let's gush all over your child(ren). Let's talk about dirty diapers and feeding issues, and the sweet sounds your baby makes or how many times you've been kicked today. But please, ask me how I am doing and when I say 'fine' just to see if you really are interested or not in how I really am doing, ask me more specific questions. Please. I NEED support. I NEED people to talk to. Whom I feel comfortable calling when yet another cycle has ended without a baby. When Mother's Day comes and goes and it's another reminder that I'm not a Mother. When Father's Day comes and goes and again, I see plenty of Fathers around me and I know how much Charles wants to be in with them. Ask me how the medications are treating me. Ask me how I really, truly, feel but only do so if you really and truly want to know...

Please. Oh Please. Do not treat me as though I know absolutely nothing about babies. That when I make a comment or suggest something that becuase I do not have a child, I am incompetant. I am not. I am not a mother but I do know a thing or two about babies, which is exactly why I so desire to be a mom... Just don't treat me like a leapor and then suddenly when I have that title of 'mom' am included into the all-inclusive club of 'moms'.

Children are my style. Afterall, I wear spit up pretty darn well on a black t-shirt. Yep. And it's a lovely reminder as your sense of smell often connects you back to fond memories... Oh how I love those memories and yet I cannot wait to create many more!

Monday, May 18, 2009

And it continues...

The debate. Does my header resemble Disney World at all??? Compare font to this photo and tell me what ya think! :-) Do you see it yet or am I the one imagining things and can't spell?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Feeling it??

So. I have left the new header alone to see if it would grow on me... It hasn't. Okay. Let me rephase. The font reminds me of nothing less than Disney World. How they do the fancy writing and all. Are you feeling that too?? Ah. Now I just need the time to re-do it since I'm no HTML expert it takes me a few, okay, several, hours to figure it all out.

I see Mickey Mouse... I see big Mouse Ears... I see Disney...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

40 Days - June 24


I have been convicted to Devote the next 40 days to Prayer and Writing. June 24 will mark the end of the 40 days. I ask that you will pray for me. Pray with me. And perhaps start your own 40 days of Prayer to see how it changes your life! If you decide to join with me on your own 40 days of Prayer, please share so that I can be praying for you as well!

Awe-Summm Award!

I have been a horrible blogger with accepting my blogging award... Thanks Krissy!!! You are Awe-Summm! :-)


And now for the rules:

List 7 things that make you Awe-Summ and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers you love. Make sure to tag your recipients and let them know they have won! Also link back to the Queen that tagged you.
7 reasons I am AWE-SUMMM

1. I think I am one Awe-Summm wife!
2. I think I am one Awe-Summm daughter!
3. I think I am one Awe-Summm Aunt!
4. I think I am one Awe-Summm Sister-in-law!
5. I think I am one Awe-Summm friend!
6. I think I am one Awe-Summm sister!
7. I hope to be one Awe-Summm Mom...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7 AWE-SUMMM Bloggers I'm passing this on to as they each share a common journey... One that all too many women face. The same journey I am on. To be a mommy, regardless of the path taken to accomplish this one goal. Perhaps for the first or second time. Stop by their blogs and wish them encouragements and prayers. Although a couple of these gals are expecting their bundles to arrive, it has been a long journey and the wounds of IF will never go away...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Happy Birthday Cole!

I cannot believe it's been one full year already... Cole, I'm so very sad that I've missed watching you grow up but have had the privilage of seeing tons of photos and videos curtosey your mama! This is me and you, love at first sight one year ago today...

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY COLE AUSTIN!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Attempting the Zoo, again...

So this past Saturday, Charles and I attempted to attempt the zoo again. Unfortunately, it was again, a no go. This time though, we were all the way down there and the only thing stopping us? Well, the fact that there was NO WHERE TO PARK!!!!!!!!!!! So not even kidding. We drove around for an HOUR looking for one place to park... The parking lots were full (and those you have to pay $11) and so was all the parallel parking places around the entire park. Come on, it was on a Saturday on a gorgeous afternoon so what else would we have expected??? Photo overload now... :-)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Our dog is Tornado Ready!

Photos are crap quality as they were taken with my cell phone camera. Not to mention, the yellow on the walls (not our doing thank you very much) makes everything have a yellow hue, as you can tell. Our dog is NOT Yellow... :-)

Jack freaks out when thunder is heard. Why? Becuase when my brother was watching the dogs while Charles and I were away, he took them to the shooting range and well, Jack's never been the same since... I guess he is just prepared for a tornado being in the bath tub of all...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Five Reasons to Celebrate Mother's Day!

Perhaps a "twist" as to celebrating Mother's Day! I celebrate Mother's Day for all the Mom's in my lives! From my own to extended to friends and especially those who I know have been struggling for so long to become moms! Mother's Day is that one special day a year where they finally get somewhat of the recognization that they deserve...

Although today could be reason enough to wallow in self pity, instead I am choosing to think of the top five reasons why I celebrate Mother's Day for others and not for myself... Although, let me say that I am most certainly looking forward to giving up each and everyone of these things for our child(ren)!!!! I WANT to give them up!!!!! For now though, I will try to enjoy them as it's the cards I've been delt...


5. Bailey's!!!!! Okay. So this is still way enjoyed by mom's but pregnant and nursing mother's, it's a no-no...


4. Sleep! Let's just say that I enjoy this A LOT!!!!


3. Right now, THIS is the choice pick for outings... The only items I carry on me are my keys, cell phone, wallet, chapstick, and occassionally sunglasses as needed.


2. A house that is not overtaken by TOYS!


1. The time alone I can spend with my husband, whenever I choose! None of the whole finding a babysitter or planning time alone. Right now, it is solely dictated by work schedules and nothing else, but believe me, work schedules are enough!
So, again, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you Pro-Moms, New-Moms, and Soon-To-Be-Moms!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

She's here!

Congrats to Kim and Bryan on their new bundle of joy who arrived sometime last night after 10:30pm...

Here is Baby Allyson weighing in at 6lbs 10ozs

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Blessing in disguise.

Yesterday morning I had my follow up ultrasound with the RE even though the plans were to not move forward with meds this cycle. I just wanted to see what was going on within my body, STILL, as I was still having the occassional cramps/pains and knew that was not normal.

Well, when they did the trasvaginal ultrasound, as usual, I kept saying "Ouch" "This hurts" and it NEVER EVER hurts for me! His first words? "This is why" as he is pointing to the screen and says, "it is a leftover cyst". And it was HUGE! It would have been the perfect size for a mature follicule to release an eggie! It's still hurting but I'm too intrigued by my insides to focus on pain right now. He finds several smaller ones on my left and right ovaries. Said we will not continue with any meds until these go away. This is about when I asked if this was the reason I have only lost three of the 10 pounds I gained in that nine day period... I was told yes and that the rest will go away as these do. Lovely.

His plan? For me to have an E2 level done on Friday to see where it stands and another ultrasound on Monday to see if they have dissolved or not.

Our plans? To call and cancel this cycle all together. It's okay. Obviously my body is needing a severe break from meds...

Although Dr. Witten did tell me that this is incredibally rare and that I should not be afraid of proceeding with medications as they will cut the dosage and watch me more closely now. Thanks. I could have told you that I'm really sensitive to medications... Oh wait. We did! haha! Oh well. Nothing lose except another cycle not pregnant...

I felt at utter peace yesterday with this news. Why? Becuase I wanted something like this to stop us from making the decision yesterday to move forward or not. I needed this. Crazy. I know. So although it's still a pain in the butt, well, vagina actually, it's okay. :-)

Had God not already been stirring in my life, I would have been a basket case yesterday. I would have insisted that we proceed with medications regardless of cysts or not in the hopes of getting that stupid positive home pregnancy test by/on my 25th Birthday coming up in 25 days...

Instead.

I thought about how Mother's day still will not be a day for my celebration but will focus on my mom, Charles' mom, and the mothers around us... It is their day. Instead. We got a whole WEEK! Infertility Awareness Week. :-)

I immediately thought about SIL having her baby, scheduled for May 15 but probably coming earlier due to some potential complications. I was okay. It is okay. This is her day. Baby Allyson will take her first breath and this is nothing short of a miracle itself!

I also thought of my dreaded 25th Birthday happening in 25 days... What a coincidence! I am okay. It's just a number and although fertility begins to decrease naturally at the age of 28, I do not fit into those statistics anyways as we surely should have gotten pregnant a LONG time ago. Instead, I will celebrate my birthday with the attention all on me with my wonderful husband and amazing mom and Ray! I will probably get an adult drink or two as well just becuase I can. :-)

I do feel old though. I notice my fingers have more wrinkles then they once did. And I don't have that young look I once did. I just feel old. It's been this stupid magic number in my head. 25 should have been THE age to have had at least one child by... Now I'm hoping in the next five years I'll have at least ONE child to call me mommy...

But, on the good news front. I went to the dentist yesterday and my theory continues... No cavities for me! :-) What is my "secret"? Chewing gum. Constantly. As in, all the time. But only the sugar free and now ADA Approved! Trident is my absolute favorite gum! I chew about two pieces a day. I start chewing after breakfast and after I brush my teeth. I spit out the gum for lunch and pop in another immediately after... I chew again until dinner when it's in the trash again for the night. :-) I did get my usual lecture though on not flossing enough... I know, I know, I know... But was told my teeth look great and healthy. Thanks Trident!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Finishing the Story.

I have had a few people ask me to finish the story on my ER picture post I did on April 19.

After seven days of FSH (Follistim) Injections to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better follicules, I was given the hCG Trigger shot (Pregonyl) on Monday, April 13. It was about 36-48 hours that I began noticing symptoms. I became severely bloated and my abdomen hurt. I couldn't sleep on my stomach. It hurt to laugh. Sneeze. Go up and down stairs. Bend. Add any additional weight such as carrying my nanny boys. I was in pain. Very uncomfortable.

On April 17, I called my RE office and spoke with the nurse as Dr. Witten was at an IVF conference. She said that I should not do a thing over the weekend and if still in pain to come in on Monday. I was to keep hydrated and that was that. Well, I only partially listened to her... I know. Very bad! Instead of carrying both babies at the same time, I only carried one and only when needed. I also continued to work the weekend... But Saturday I did not do a thing. Charles stayed home with me as well and was great all day. He cooked, he cleaned, he made sure all my needs were met. He was fantastic!

I got on the scale and saw I gained a total of TEN POUNDS in NINE DAYS! No joke. That's crazy!!! It was all fluid as I could tell exactly where it went. I couldn't wear any of my regular pants so sweatpants are what I lived in.

I read online some, blessing or curse?, and read that drinking lots of water/Gatorade, eating Sodium rich foods to absorb the excess fluid in my abdomen in which I would urinate out, and eating Protein would all make me feel better. So, I made some refried beans with cheese and salsa along with chips for dinner. Let's just say that not only did I not really notice anything but I was in extra pain from the lovely gas the beans gave me!!!! ARGH! Not a smart move at all!!!

Saturday, April 18, we went to bed with me in pain. I just could not sleep. The pain was continuous but nothing with me doubled over so I tried to sleep thru it and decided I would call the after hours Dr. in the morning. Ya know, when it is a more reasonable hour of day. Well, when I looked at the clock with my blind-as-a-bat-eyes and thought it said 2:45 I decided I had had enough! I laid in bed with my eyes open trying not to cry and just prayed that if I need to go in that Charles would wake up or do some stirring in his sleep... Moments later, he was stirring so I gently nudged him and told him I'm in pain, still, and that I thought we should go to the ER to get everything checked out.

When I was able to look at the clock I saw it was only 12:45am... Yeah. We'd only been asleep for like three hours. haha! He got in the shower and I tried walking around for a bit to see if I could move the gas. (TMI? Sorry.) I was just sick and tired of the constant pain...

We got to the hospital about 1:30am and were seen right away. I told them I thought it was OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) based on my symptoms and that I just underwent my first injectible cycle. The Doctor I had was stupid. They did a pregnancy test and said that I was not pregnant, even though it was only three/four days past IUI and that their tests are one of the most sensitive available and that they would know.

First off. Let me say that given the knowledge that I had just underwent all that I did to have three VERY uncaring individuals tell me that I was no way pregnant in the most heartless ways possible, was very upsetting. Thankfully, I had walked this path before so regardless of what they told me I knew otherwise. I mean. If I was lucky, the embryo was just beginning to think about implanting! And then it takes the hCG doubling every 48 hours to build up in my system before it becomes detectable with a home pregnancy test.

So the Doctor said, "I can do a pelvic check on you if you wish." Um. No thanks. That'd be pointless. And at this moment was when I pipped in with the whole "sodium is supposed to help absorb some of the excess fluid and all". I was taken for an x-ray (again, of what? Can you really see liquid on an x-ray???) becuase Doctor said that they do not have an ultrasound tech currently there and he only does them for suspected etopic pregnancies or in emergencies. I was then promptly given an IV with a bag of Sodium fluid. Yep. They actually listened.

They did some blood tests (not sure of what) and came back and told me I had a UTI, bladder infection to be exact. I was like, okay. That's not what is causing my pain but whatever. They wanted to give me MORPHINE! WHAT??? Really? So I nixed that. I think something a little less would be fine. After Charles insisted I given all pregnancy safe medications "just in case and as a humor-me protocol" and the first dosage was in me, I was discharged.

Charles and I both felt very much like we were talked down upon. That the Doctor was not knowledgeable at all in the field of obsectrics/gyneocology. I felt so stupid for even going, really. But in the end, the Sodium fluid DID help a ton! I noticed a huge difference! By the end of the next day though, my tummy was swollen again and although still in pain, it was not anything like it was that first night.

On Sunday, I ended up calling Dr. Witten and he promptly called back. He confirmed that I do have OHSS based upon my symptoms and said that I needed to be seen Monday morning but to again, do nothing. I needed to treat my ovaries like a carton of eggs... Ultra sensitive.

Monday, I called the office and was feeling just a bit better so they thought it unnecessary to see me as any improvement is considered excellent no matter how little. I was told to still not work but again, didn't listen. I couldn't not work... I took it extra easy though and had lots of help and did as little as possible. My ovaries sure let me know of their presence...

I was told that it would subside and then if pregnant, the pain would come back as it is the hCG that triggers it, hence why it starts after the hCG Trigger shot and again gets inflamed in the early stages of pregnancy. When it did subside for a couple days and I started to feel pain again, I/along with the nurses thought for sure that I was pregnant. No. It just wanted to torture me again before leaving along with my period's arrival.

If you are looking for any information on OHSS these websites, especially the first one, helped the most for me!

GA Reproductive Specialists
Mayo Clinic
About.com
Wikipedia.com

As a side note... If indeed you do have OHSS and you are told to do nothing, do NOTHING! I could have actually had my ovaries twist and caush me to loose one or both of my ovaries thus never having the ability to have biological children becuase of something stupid. Listen to your Doctors... Thank God, all turned out okay with me. I go in on Monday for a follow up ultrasound to make sure all my "goods" are back to normal and working order. :-)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

"God Talk"! Surprises! Disappointments!

Today has been a day I have looked forward to for the last few days. Charles brought up the idea to me that we go to the zoo today. :-) He took a half day of leave at work so we could spend the majority of the day smelling, err, enjoying the various animals. I mean, the Zoo here in Saint Louis, Missouri IS Free!!! Yes. You read correctly. FREE!

Backtracking now...

While he was working, I slept until just before 9am. I ate some breakfast and read a little on some blogs while digesting. As I was reading Cathy's blog, she spoke of Adoption and linked to another blog where the couple who once pursued Infertility treatments decided to take a complete turn and move forward with adoption. Their story is nothing short of a "God thing". As one is reading thru, you can see God at work as she writes from her heart.

One statement that stuck out to me is this post. She said, "I had a friend suggest that I go back in my blog to the month this baby was conceived and read what I had written that month." When she did, you can certainly see God's hands at work...

"Dear Elaine,
I know today's news greatly disappoints you. But please trust me. I am at work orchestrating a beautiful plan for you that is far greater than finding out today you are pregnant.
I love you,
Jesus"

Wow.

WOW!

They are currently awaiting the birth of their daughter whom the birthmother is carrying in her tummy while Elaine carrys the baby in her heart... It is amazing and encouraging to me that God was perparing their journey many, many months ago without any realization at all.

So, how this relates to the blog title.

God always seems to talk to me, or shall I say I listen best without distractions, while showering. This morning was no different. I was thinking about this particular blogger, Elaine, and wondering what God has done in my past that I would look back on and go "Oh yes. I now see that and why He did that..." It was at that moment that I was given thoughts/questions/statements. I was overwhelmed.

Perhaps God is waiting to bless me with a child once the first of three books I am writing is completed. This way, I will write from cover to cover, experiencing first hand the daily trials that Infertility brings. You see, this book is very special and dear to my heart. One that I hope not only continuously encourages me but also others who find themselves on the journey to become parents.

It was immediately after this thought/question/statement that I was given hope and a promise. God told me that I will also write a Prengnacy book. Yes. A Pregnancy book. I said, "I'm not pregnant so how will I write this? I mean, who wants to read a Pregnancy book an Infertile who is still without child, wrote?" You see. God will bless us with a baby to call our own.

As soon as I was out of the shower, I called Charles and told him everything! Yes. I even cried. I was/am so overwhelmed and continue to ask myself "Was that really God talking to me??? Really???"

When talking to Charles I told him, and then couldn't believe I said this, but that I feel as though we should stop Infertility treatments until the book is complete. I immediately backtrack, my human nature side, and go wait a minute. Maybe I'm misunderstanding God and we are to continue onwards... I don't know. I just feel that stopping is what we need to do now. We will continue to seek God's will and do what we feel led. This is the biggest step of Faith I believe I have executed since we began treatments as I was secretly (I know, bad me) going to continue forward with treatments in May so that I felt as though I was doing something and perhaps the days would not be so rough.

Do not get me wrong. This does not mean my emotions are completely gone when it comes to still being childless. I am sure we will have plenty of days that are just bad for us. Where we question if we should start treatments again or not. I do know that the day the book is done, unless God speaks to us otherwise, we will be back in Dr. Witten's office asking for IVF! Okay, maybe we'll first do IUI's again but I'm sure IVF will not be far behind.

After hanging up with Charles I called my mom to share the news! She answered, and I could tell she was crying. My first thought was, Grandma! Mom then proceeded to say that she was at the airport...Trying to come see me. I said, "See Me?" She said, "Yes."

*Insert here tons of tears, by her and me.

She said she even had a Chocokate Publix Cake (Oh I was craving one BAD!!!! If you have never eaten a Publix cake before, you're missing out! I've NEVER tasted a cake better nor do I think I ever will...) she was bringing to me! Her and Charles were plotting for the last several days and one reason the zoo became a plan. I was utterly surprised that they both kept the secret from me!!!! Totally shocked.

But the tears were there becuase, thankfully, my oldest brother works for Delta and thus my mom gets to fly for free... Yes. That is thankfully, when there is no problems getting to where you want to go. Such as today though, it sucked. She was bumped off two prior flights and the last one of the day she was number 15, as of then, and only 9 seats were open. It was not happening. She even tried to send the Publix cake with a Flight Attendant who was trying to see family in Southern Illinois but she too, got bumped and went home to try again another time.

So, instead. Mom left the airport, tear filled and a whole chocolate Publix cake that needs to be eaten. I told her to enjoy a few slices for me and Charles... :-(

After learning this, I could not go to the zoo today as I would surely enjoy it but knowning mom should have been there too was ultra disappointing! So no zoo today... We're saving that for a trip when mom and Ray are here the end of May. Ya know. To not-celebrate my birthday and all.

Instead, Charles and I went to the Cheesecake Factory at Chesterfield Mall. YUM YUM YUM is all I have to say! We were sat next to a couple who had a little boy whom we learned was three months old thanks to our waitress asking questions. He was adorable. Then, not long into our time there, the table to our left sat four ladies. It was a mother-daughter event. On top of that, one was OBVIOUSLY nine months pregnant... And the pregnancy talk did not stop there. The entire time we were there they discusses the complaints (her belly itching, blood tests, delivery both where at *St. Johns if you must know* and the preferred method), current children at home (whom they were enjoying eating without their they said) and how many other people around them were pregnant or newly had their children (I was not one of them, obviously).

It was about this time that I ordered a drink. You know. One of those adult drinks that only non pregnant and non nursing moms can have. It was something Gorrilla or another. Delicious! Ice cream, chocolate, bananas, liquor. :-) I enjoyed it, thoroughly.

Charles kindly reminded me that God has bigger plans for us... I was just reminded of these this morning.

December 13, 2008 weekend was the first time God spoke to me in regards to the books. I remember this as this is the weekend Charles' parents were visiting. I was in the shower, yep, as usual, and the idea came to me. I told Charles about it and he thought it was a great idea and that I should pursue it. I then told his parents about it and they too were very supportive and encouraged me to take the steps and see what happens... Here we are, almost five months later with not only another reminder but a slight insight into the big picture.

I just pray that I am not misintrepreting God here... It's my human nature to not only doubt what I do know but to question if it is Him or not speaking to me. All in all though, you can undoubtly expect that I will spend a lot more time than I have been getting this book done with and hopefully published. Perhaps it's a book only meant for me? We'll see what God has in the works...