Thursday, May 21, 2009

Infertility Hurts.

No doubt. No questioning. No denying.

Infertility hurts.

It hurts physically.

It hurts mentally.

It hurt emotionally.

It hurts spiritually.

It hurts psychologically.

It hurts relationally.

Infertility.

Hurts.

Bad.

Although I cannot change this or else I'd have like four kids already, I am ever grateful for those around me who exhibit such great amounts of respect and compassion and not to mention sympathy... It is these individuals that I know although they will never understand even for a moment the heartache I experience, they at least relay news and have discussions with me where I feel like they truly care about me and my emotions.

This does not mean that they walk on egg shells around me. That they keep secrets to prevent "hurting" me. *Like learning the day of the birth that you are pregnant helps ease the pain? Instead, no time is given to ease into the idea and get used to it... Thanks for the consideration, heffer!*

It is the learning of the miracle of a new life growing in a womb not from a text message or thru the 'grapevine' or over indulging about all the many horrible things pregnancy does to one self. Instead, I much prefer to hear from the person themself that a miracle has happened within their life and how excited and scared to pieces they are. I love these real life conversations.

Don't get me wrong. Tears are shed. Questions are asked. A whole gambet of emotions are experienced in such a short period of time. Mostly, and when all is said and done, I am overly joyed for you and your miracle that I cannot wait to meet!

I only speak for myself as I know many infertiles and unlike myself, they are unable to do or be or talk anything baby without breaking down. Me? I can talk baby all day long! It gives me hope. It brings joy to my life. I smile. I laugh. I love sharing this with my people in my life. Unfortunately, it is during these conversations that usually comes heartless remarks (It'll happen. You're young. Stop trying and you'll get pregnant. Want mine? Be thankful you can ________! WHAT????) that I and many infertiles I know, avoid all baby conversations unless the person involved is one that can be trusted. This is the main reason why so many infertiles I know avoid all baby related events such as showers and births. It's the encounters with stupid people and usually putting on the fake smiles that all is okay and it's no big deal that you're still childless.

So please. When we talk baby, you know, the baby you either hold in your womb or arms, please remember that my womb and arms are empty yet ache for what you have so dearly. WE can have a two way conversation. It's okay. Let's gush all over your child(ren). Let's talk about dirty diapers and feeding issues, and the sweet sounds your baby makes or how many times you've been kicked today. But please, ask me how I am doing and when I say 'fine' just to see if you really are interested or not in how I really am doing, ask me more specific questions. Please. I NEED support. I NEED people to talk to. Whom I feel comfortable calling when yet another cycle has ended without a baby. When Mother's Day comes and goes and it's another reminder that I'm not a Mother. When Father's Day comes and goes and again, I see plenty of Fathers around me and I know how much Charles wants to be in with them. Ask me how the medications are treating me. Ask me how I really, truly, feel but only do so if you really and truly want to know...

Please. Oh Please. Do not treat me as though I know absolutely nothing about babies. That when I make a comment or suggest something that becuase I do not have a child, I am incompetant. I am not. I am not a mother but I do know a thing or two about babies, which is exactly why I so desire to be a mom... Just don't treat me like a leapor and then suddenly when I have that title of 'mom' am included into the all-inclusive club of 'moms'.

Children are my style. Afterall, I wear spit up pretty darn well on a black t-shirt. Yep. And it's a lovely reminder as your sense of smell often connects you back to fond memories... Oh how I love those memories and yet I cannot wait to create many more!

4 comments:

mom said...

You forgot one thing that infertility hurts... it also hurts those who love you. I know it's not the same pain you feel, but It feels like my heart is being run over by a Mack truck knowing how badly you want children and also knowing that there is nothing I can do about it, I can't fix it or take the heartache away from you. I feel helpless.... Something that comes with being a parent, nothing is worse than watching your child suffer in any capacity. I love you and one day you WILL be an amazing mommy.

Michele said...

It does hurt. It hurts so much. There arent even words sometimes.

Erin said...

I love you!You are such a great person and you'll be such a great mother :) I will definitely be calling you for advice ;)

Inanna said...

I have four, and recently lost one (stillbirth) and still I think the pain of wanting one not having any... must be so very great... :( My heart breaks for you. HUGS.