Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Pissed off. {Spoiler, PCOS related}

I had full intentions to blog yesterday after my appointment. I couldn't. I've had to work through some things before sharing. Ya know, to more properly gather my thoughts and write with more controlled emotions.

My appointment yesterday went, well, overall well. I had the vaginal ultrasound first. I've lost count, I've had so many. I've seen my insides more times than some people see their gynecologist in their entire lifetime! I had an "incidental finding" of a nabothian cyst. And then my ovaries. FULL of cysts. Hello full on flaring up PCOS. Confirmed by the FSH:LH 1:3 ratio my recent labs were. Ugh.

I hate you.

PCOS that is.

My ovaries have not been that full of cysts well, since we were trying to get pregnant with Little Miss! Everything has been in semi auto pilot mode. I know, I've seen my ovaries a lot over the years {hence comment above}.

After the ultrasound, the Dr met us in the room where I was supposed to have an endometrial biopsy. She started off saying the ultrasound was pretty definitive with the classic PCOS ovaries and my endometrial lining looked great and she didn't feel the biopsy was necessary anymore. {Yay!}

Then we went on to discuss "options" to assist in us having a third baby... She wanted to put me on metformin, again {I have a bad reaction to it so that's a no go} since it's the typical treatment for PCOS regardless if one is pre-diabetic or diabetic or neither. Then she wanted to start me on Clomid, again. Because of my history with hyperstimulation on clomid {OHSS} she didn't feel comfortable prescribing it without closer monitoring, which she doesn't do. Ultimately, we walked out of the office with a referral to see another Reproductive Endocrinologist to be closely monitored on fertility drugs. I really just do not want to do fertility treatments again...

Hence why I'm pissed off. Angry. Disappointed. Sad. You name it, I've probably felt it over the last 24 hours.

I worked so very hard to lose almost 50 pounds {from my heaviest} only to gain 30 of it back in the last year and a half. Weight has such an impact on PCOS. Weight is also so incredibly hard to lose with PCOS.

Thanks PCOS.

Why? I know exactly why... The short version.

PCOS.

More detailed version.

Moving to Georgia during all the hoopla we were going through with Charles' work injury and Dept of Labor caused a lot of stress. Stress that my body couldn't handle as it was fighting mold. Mold that wrecked havoc on my body from head to toe. Literally. My thyroid went all out of whack. Food that I was eating that was filled with crap thanks to being in  "survival" mode and eating out a ton or eating in-laws meals and they just eat differently than we do. {To anyone that says food does not have an impact on ones body, I invite you to chat and view a timeline of blood work and ultrasounds I've had over the years. Seriously. The proof in black and white.}

We were not living our "normal" life.  The bubble we worked so hard to create to keep me/us healthy. Between the hormones in the crap food I was eating, estrogen mimicker exposures from plastics to dryer sheets, and stress of the complexity the situation was- the PCOS reared its ugly head again and here I am back where it all began in 2006 when I first received the diagnosis.... Heartbroken. Frustrated with myself. Why didn't I fight harder to maintain the bubble's integrity we created? Why did I let myself fall into "survival mode"? For me and my PCOS, just exercising doesn't cut it. I continued my walks. I didn't change any of that. Getting the fresh air that the 10 acres we lived on provided was awesome. Unfortunately it didn't counteract everything else that was going on.

Frustration doesn't end there, MTHFR Chemical Sensitivity has a part too. I hate that my body is so sensitive to the chemicals in the world today. This was never supposed to be. I hate that I really cannot enjoy eating out as I wonder constantly if the food is genetically modified or has gluten/dairy/soy additives in it. I hate that I cannot go to a shopping mall and walk through a department store without getting a headache from the perfumes or that I have to leave church when someone decides to bathe in perfume and sit right next to me. I hate that I wonder how long I'll be able to tolerate visiting someones house before I physically cannot handle it anymore due to the toxic plug ins/sprays/candles everyone but me seems to enjoy. Toxins contribute to added unwanted weight. Look into it more. Seriously.

So here I sit, starting this uphill battle with PCOS again. The trial and errors. The expenses of said trials.

It is "easier" to face the reality that achieving pregnancy will be difficult, again, and in actuality it may never happen since I do have Little Miss and Little Sister to wrap my arms around. The longing in my heart with desires for another child is as strong as ever though.

I am thankful that because of PCOS and the battles we've had in conceiving, I treasure so very much the pregnancies I had with both girls and the moments I have raising them. It does make the mundane much sweeter. And I know without a doubt that if the Lord's plan for our lives include another child, He will work another miracle. Getting pregnant is only a part of the PCOS issue.

So, hit me with any and all PCOS information! I'm a sponge soaking it all up, again.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Another new Doctor

The last 21 months {aka since Charles' work injury} have been spent in various offices... He's been to Primary Care Doctors, ENTs, Oto-neurologist, Audiologists, acupuncturist, massage therapist, Neurologists, Holistic Dentist, and Craniosacral Therapist. I'm sure I've left out a Doctor or two. We've traveled hours from home for some to half across the country for others, literally. All in the search for healing to no avail, unfortunately.

Today, we walked into a new Doctor's office. One I never wanted to step foot into.

Oncologist.

While we left with some answers and some relief that he doesn't have major malignant diseases, questions are still waiting for answers. A couple still scary diseases are waiting to be ruled out. More labs were done. Another two weeks to wait for more answers. Probably more questions then too.

While it sucks for him to live day in and day out dizzy with migraines regularly and other miserable symptoms, at least he is here with us. So what if his quality of life stinks most of the time. At least the girls know their dad. At least he is apart of our lives. At least I can crawl into bed snuggled next to him.

The big "C" word. That's scary. I have only let myself "go there" a couple times.

Unfortunately, he's not the only one with a lingering health concern out there...

I've got my own concern. My GYN suspects the chemical pregnancy + breastfeeding + PCOS has my hormones all wacked out and that's the real underlying problem. She said to be safe though, she wants to do an endometrial biopsy and ultrasound to "rule out anything scary".

I catch myself drifting to the "what ifs" as I'm nursing Little Sister to sleep and simultaneously humming the same tune over and over again for Little Miss to drift into dreamland. Before the "what ifs" turn me into a blubbering mess, I turn my "what ifs" into prayers over them. I know none of this has caught the Lord by surprise, regardless of the outcome. I know it is all apart of His plan, regardless of the outcome. I pray for peace, regardless of the outcome.

Please keep us both in your prayers over these next couple of weeks as we {hopefully} get some definitive answers.





Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Prayers wanted

Acknowledging Owner
Charles and I have had a couple pretty big health concerns come up recently. Without going into specifics just yet, I ask for interceding prayers for Charles on Thursday and myself on the 23. My heart is burdened with worry tonight as the unknown "what ifs" fill my head. I will share more when we know more.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Six.



Six. Unfortunately, our updated number.

Six "chemical pregnancies".

Six "could have beens".

Six "I can't wait to meet in Heaven souls"!

Six guardian angels leading the army of angels watching over us.

Six times I have clung to this Bible passage knowing that He who my soul rests in, is in control.

Six reminders that the two here on Earth were specifically chosen to be here for His divine plan.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Be still my heart!

1 Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.


Sisters.


Best Friends.


They may antagonize one another to tears,


but all is forgotten when waking after her morning nap.


These two, my heart loves.



Saturday, January 24, 2015

Budding Photographer

Some days I let Little Miss play photographer.
She excitedly takes my camera and snaps away!


As I look through the pictures, I can't help but smile.
The things she sees, the moments she captures.


She takes time to appreciate the works of our Creator.


Studying the complexity that a new building is. 


Colors! Vivid colors!


Textures.


Slowing down to notice what shouldn't be there.


Behind each door is a different story.
She goes out of her way to know others stories.
May I learn to do the same.


Appreciates safety measures taken.


Lines! This child has an eye for art! ....and shoes.


There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. ~Walt Streightiff 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

How many kids....?

The question comes up many times. If you have no kids, it is "how many do you want?" If you have one kid, "when will you have another to reach that perfect 2.2 kids?" Having two kids, especially of the same sex, "When will you try for that girl/boy third child?" 

That's where we are... 

We have two girls and surely will try to persuade our odds to have a boy because our life isn't complete without a boy, right? Right in, a son would be awesome! A son would add a new dynamic to our family. A son for Charles, that unique bond. A "mommy's boy". Yeah, a son would be wonderful! 

Wrong in assuming adding another girl to our family is "less than ideal". Believing another girl is "too much estrogen". Asking why we "need another girl"? Saying "we can try again a fourth time for that boy".

Personally, I'm thankful the gender of my kids is not up to me as I would have missed out on a whole lot! I thought I wanted a boy when we were pregnant with Little Miss. I thought my dream family consisted of a boy first. Boy was I wrong! Little Miss is so much more than I imagined a first born son would bring to our family. 

When I was pregnant with Little Sister, I did so have my heart set on sisters. I wanted Little Miss to have what I always dreamed of having, a sister. A son would not have been disappointing, I just wanted sisters I didn't care the age difference. :-)

As Little Sister is days away from hitting the 18 month mark, the question is asked more and more "when will you try for that boy?" Well folks, we're trying. Not for "that boy" though. Just another miracle baby to love.

If it is a girl, good thing I'm not sick and tired of pink and purple yet! And we have loads of clothes and glitter to spare! If it is a boy, it'll be a fun dynamic to add to our family! The only thing I know for sure, he will not be named Charles IV! We'll pick our own name, thank-you-very-much!

So the haunting question is, how long will this take? 49 months for Little Miss. 7 months for Little Sister. Who's up for placing bets for number 3? :-)

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Thanks Lee Ann Womack for putting words to feelings!

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,


GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,


And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',


Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,


 Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.


 I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.


(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)


I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,


 Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.


Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.


(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)