Sunday, November 30, 2008

It's SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No. I'm not excited. No. I'm not looking forward to a DEEP snow where I can build a snowman. No. I'm so thinking snow is ugly and annoying as it causes the dogs feet to get all muddy. No. I'm not going to take a thousand photos this winter. No. I am not currently watching the snow continue to fall...

If you have not caught on yet. I LOVE snow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) This is SO very exciting!!!! We were told that this was just supposed to be flurries last night and tonight we were supposed to get some real stuff but not a whole lot. YIPPEE!!! But now I'm really starting to wonder what "a whole lot" is according to Missourians! LOL

So. This is how it "went down" this morning. The alarm went off at 4:30am for Charles to get ready and head off to work. But before doing so, he looked out our bedroom window and said that it had snowed! I got up. peed. Got back in bed. :-) He got out of the shower and asked if I looked at it. I said no and proceeded to ask what kind of snow it was. ???

"Is it a Georgia type snow or a real snow??" (For those in Georgia or for that matter, any southern states, you totally get this question!

He said, "It's a dusting. Like a Georgia snow." Ah. Okay. I'm not getting out of bed for a "georgia" snow... I've seen that. I want SNOW! LOL

I'm drifting back into sleep world where I'm a Princess and show all day long when he interrupts me to ask if I wish to see how the dogs react when he takes them out before heading off to work.
"um. No. It's cold."

"Are you sure?"

"Well. I won't help. I'll just peek around the corner so I don't get cold." Yep. I'm a real trouper of a wife!

Off the dogs go into the white winter land without second thinking a thing!


video

And four hours later... It's STILL coming down and at a nice steady pace too! Perhaps I'll get enough to build a snowman?????

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Our goofy Thanksgiving pics!

Our first Thanksgiving in Missouri AND just the two of us... We took some goofy pics so here is Photo SPAM!!! I wanted to get a "family picture" but well, you can see how well that went over. haha! Charles and his MANY faces and me trying to keep up with him. Jack and Jill desperate for attention as they think one gets more than the other. We laughed and laughed!




Jack's getting wrinkles in his "smile"! And see how pretty he sits like a "big boy"! :-)

Below is the attempt at family photos... Didn't go over so well. haha!




Jill likes to "dance" and Jack was trying to as well!



On our way home from our Thanksgiving Dinner at Cracker Barrel.






The dirty pond/lake thing.


Friday, November 28, 2008

Wii did it!!!

Yes. You need to totally get that PUN! LOL Wii (Charles and I) braved the horrid "Black Friday" crowds at but all places...WAL-MART!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Wii got up at 3:3oAM and at Wal-Mart by 4:40AM. Wii fought the crowds. Wii found the lines at the electronics. When Wii saw no Wii in the designated section I asked and was told they were in the middle isle on a palat! (Yes, they had 70 Wii on a palat!!! Holy cow!) So, while I stayed to watch the Wii Charles was over batteling the crowds for two of the games he wanted. (NCAA Football 09-he got and Head Coach 09-they were out of so HINT for a Christmas gift!)

In my vision... Everyone suddenly started pushing and shoving and so I just reached my hand into the pile and grabbed one! Yep. This will probably be the last time Wii fight those crowds... Too much drama!!!!!

So. Wii ended up with the the Wii system, the Sports kit, and an extra nun chuck and a game as it comes with the Sports one. :-) Now, I just have to get Charles to hook it up and show me how to use it! I'm so freaking excited about this thing!!!! It's what we've been after like all stinking year but they were always out!

Now I have my eye on the Wii Fit........... That's another "I'm sorry. We're temporarily out." response.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

This morning marked the first Thanksgiving of just Charles and myself. We slept late. :-) Always nice. When we did wake up, we lounged in bed and rambled off stuff and ideas and things we are Thankful for. We then decided to eat some breakfast and lounged around watching Christmas movies on TV for a couple hours. About 2:30pm we decided to head to Bob Evans for our Turkey dinner. :-) Well. Guess what. Bob Evans is CLOSED on Thanksgiving! Those heffers! Who do they think they are???

So, we headed to Cracker Barrel. The bet was on. Were we one of a few lazy and lonely people that do not cook on Thanksgiving for just two people or were apart of a large group that had this tradition of heading out? Did you guess??? Well, let's just say that Cracker Barrel was not exactly empty by any stretch of the imagination. We had to wait 20 minutes to be seated. Forever on our waitress but the food came quick as I'm sure they had a mass production of the Thanksgiving Feast plate already prepared! I must say though. I was not really impressed. The ham was dry. The turkey bland. The Sweet Potatoes were too Orange Juice tasty. The mashed potatoes, well, let's just say that none of it was anywhere near what I'm used to by my families home cooking!

After linner, we headed for a drive through the Busch Wildlife Park. It was nice. A lot of dirt roads and Charles does not like to drive down them... We goofed around and took pics and once back home, we even attempted a family picture with the dogs. Let's just say that the pictures speak for themselves! LOL I'll post them soon!

For now... Happy Thanksgiving to all who read these words! May you remember all the blessings in your life and take time to ponder on these, no matter how small they may seem!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Seeking Answers.

I am awake. My body is tired. My emotions rolling. My mind trying to wrap around all my thoughts. It's been one rough night's sleep.

After a nice long conversation with a someone whom shall remain nameless, I have really faced reality. I now completely understand why God has not blessed us with a child in the past up to now. The last three years have been engulfed with making Charles a daddy and me a mommy. So many thoughts. So many emotions. So much time and effort. I found myself living in time incrementals just waiting to Ovulate and just waiting for my period to arrive hoping just once it wouldn't. I am done. For now anyways.

My heart just breaks. The tears start flowing. Even now I think to myself, "Perhaps now that I've given up it will happen???" Why?? Becuase so many people have told me just forget about it and it will happen. Just RELAX. Well. If I have anything to say about it, it will not happen. Not now anyways.

My main goal. To slowly heal my heart. I love my child, one that I do not even have, more than life itself. It's time for me to stop focusing on my future child(ren) so much. To put away all the reminders that I am indeed, childless. I just really pray that God takes away this desire of my heart. That I won't feel my heart breaking when it seems I'm the only one in the room without a child or child-to-be. That I will always cherish a child's life and never become bitter becuase it's not something I have.

The second goal and to be honest, a huge reason why I've gone down this path. Student loans. you know. The only reason Charles and myself were able to get through college. Yep. Those things. They are coming due January 2009. Why is it really just hitting me??? For some stupid reason I had it all figured out. If the baby came before the payments were due then we'd have it all figured out by then. Now with the thought of being pregnant and spending every last penny (that we don't have) on student loans just freaks me out a bit. I had a morphed sense of reality I guess... :-( And so the never ending saga of me finding a job that pays at least double what I'm getting paid now continues. And no, it's just pathetic how little I'm being paid now! It's not that my expectations are too high!

Should I also add that Charles does not agree with all this??? He has his own little plan all figured out in his head and has no desire what so ever of stopping trying for a baby. I believe my worrying about our financial situation and wishing that we wouldn't get pregnant would over take whatever good the medicines were doing to me. And well, we also will save money on treatments right now as even though the infertility treatments are covered, there still is some out of pocket like co-pays, rx, and who knows what other loop holes insurances have!

So. Here I am. Today I will spend de-baby'ing from my lives. That means packing away the little odds and ends that I've collected to display when baby comes. Packing away the baby blankets that I have held on to from my and my brother's baby years in the hopes of one day swaddling my baby with them. To pack away the several little baby clothes that I've collected along the way. I debate about passing them along to someone who actually has a baby in her future or keeping them in storage to hopefully one day pull them back out.

To not have a child is very difficult. To suddenly put the breaks on the journey is even harder for me. To deny myself the ability to daydream of my child(ren). To not give suggestions or tell of what I know and have learned along the way will be difficult as well. To tuck all this to the back of my mind.

God is good. He is. I find comfort in Him. I pray that He will guide me and give me a sense of peace. That Charles and I may choose our paths wisely and no longer take advantage of the time that we have together, just as husband and wife.

Please pray for me. For us. We want to seek God and follow His plan for our lives, whatever it may be.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Encouragement.

In the midst of my cleaning I came across this card given to be December 11, 1999 by some dear family friends. They entered my family's life while they were in the midst of creating their family through the miracle of adoption. Their story inspiries me. Always has. Always will.

The card came as a "Thank You" after watching their two miracle children for an extended weekend. And it goes...

"...We pray that your prayer to be a mommy will one day be answered. You will make a terrific mom. Just wait on the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 31:14 He did me!!..."

Again. This card was written in 1999!!!! I had not even met my wonderful husband yet! Way back when, I was not thinking about being a mommy. I was just thinking about the love and enjoyment I got with caring for children of all ages. Yes, I secretly did have the fear that I would never be able to have children... Until just now and re-reading this card, I think perhaps my heart has been conditioned for this journey that we've been riding.

And at that... I must get back to cleaning! This month is a busy time for visitors and well, my house needs to be clean! LOL Just a thought to ponder! :-)

Friday, November 21, 2008

My adventure in cooking!

Tonight I got bit by the "Better Crocker" bug. *Insert laughs here done by those cloest and dearst to me* Yes. I admit. I am NOT the world's greatest cook. I try. Sometimes. I usually end up burning or blowing up something. As the story is usually told when I am cooking, I will share it now.

Way back when... When I was in my early teens, I was attempting to make Homemade Banana Pudding. :-) My parents happened to be gone somewhere. So, I was following the directions and decided to heat up my ingredients in a glass bowl (yes, take a moment to re-read that) on the stove top. *Yes. This statement is not an error.* Right about now is when my oldest and wiser (hahaha) brother Matthew decided to walk around the corner. He took about two seconds to say, more like hollar at me, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????" and in saying "DOING" he turned off the burner that the glass bowl was sitting on. Yep. At this instant the glass bowl burst and pieces went E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God that neither of us were hurt!

So, after the initial yelling at me came the complete laughter and well, the story has yet to die...Nor do I believe it ever will. This story will be told forever, right along with the "Oh, Z is for Zoro" which will be told another day and time. For those wondering... No, I am not a blonde. I am a brunette and yes, brunettes DO have more fun! :-)

Back to my cooking tonight. I did not blow anything up.

I decided to make Pigs in a blanket. I rolled the little sausage hot dog thing-a-ma-jibs in the cresent rolls. All is going great! I put both cookie sheet trays full of potential Pigs in a blanket into the oven on 375 degrees and set the timer for 15 minutes. Well, about 5 minutes into it, I smell something burning. I checked it. All looks well and it's still VERY doughy. I closed the oven and started mixing my ingredients for the Pumpkin Bread I also decided to make tonight. (See. I really was trying to be a little miss homemaker!) A few minutes go by and the darn fire alarm is going off!!!!!! WHAT??? I check the Pigs in a blanket and they still don't look done! So I fan the fire alarm until it goes off and let the stuff continue cooking. A few minutes later the darn thing goes off again!!!! This time, Charles comes upstairs to see what in the world is going on! LOL He checks them and well, they still don't look done at all... However, after further investigation the bottoms are completely black! Burnt like crazy!!! :-( So, out they come and into the trash they go. After the fire alarm goes off, yet again, I pop the Pumpkin bread into the oven to hopefully get something done right!

So, I'm asking. What did I do wrong??????? Why are the bottoms burnt?? It was on a non-stick cookie sheet that's been used a 1,000 times before! (Okay. So maybe not that many times as that would mean you'd actually have to cook...) ARGH! :-( I will say though. The Pumpkin bread turned out GREAT! :-)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Finally updated!

I have FINALLY updated my piczo page with the latest photos from my visit to Georgia in October 2008 along with a few pics of the handful of trees that actually turned beautiful colors (or better yet, turned colors!) here in Missouri!

Check it out HERE!

Monday, November 17, 2008

And the baby trying becomes more scientific!

This may very well be a TMI post for some of you... if so, I warned ya in advance! :-)

So, since today has officially started Cycle number 30, I'm fed up! Yes. Completely fed up. I called the new Ob/Gyn but come to find out she's almost an hour away four out of the five days a week and well, I need someone close if I plan on spending so much time in the Dr. officies. So, I called my old new Ob/Gyn back and after talking with him, he's on board with my next step. From this cycle on out, baby making will officially become much more advanced and scientific. Who would have ever thought I'd be so interested in SCIENCE!!!! haha!

So. Wanna know the plan???? Well, since I over hyper stimulated my ovaries last cycle on Soy (natural Clomid) I refused to start the Clomid until I had an ultrasound to check my ovaries to make sure they were back to normal size and all. So, I'm going in on Thurdsday on my lunch break to have this u/s done. I was told I need to drink 34-40 ounces of water 1 1/2 hours before the u/s to ensure a full bladder! HOLY CRAP!!!!! Once I get the all clear from the u/s, I will start the Clomid pill popping that night for five nights. I'm hoping I escape the horrid side effects that Clomid is known to give you... On Cycle day 9, I will start Estrogen supplements. Cycle day 12 or 15 (that's a Friday and Monday) I will have a mid cycle u/s to check my follicules and see how many I've got maturing and to hopefully not see any signs of OHSS! Once I confirm ovulation with Ovulation Predictor Kit Pee Sticks (OPKs) I'll start the Progesterone to ensure my lining is nice and thick and welcoming to an eight cell baby to spend the next nine months growing! :-)

We'll go this route until about February to March time frame when, if still no baby, I'll go see a Reproductive Endo (I can't spell it/RE) and proceed with testings, medications more aggressive, IUI, and possible even IVF... Wonder how we'll afford that??? Well, Charles has an insurance option that is AMAZING!!!! It covers Infertility treatments AND up to three rounds of IVF!!!! this is un heard of!!! While I pray that we won't need much more intervention than I'll be doing this current cycle, I'm glad to know that we have options ahead of us. :-) Now, let me just survive the emotional rollar coaster that all this will surely put me through! Yes, the last almost three years have been an emotional rollar coaster I'm totally expecting that the added hormones I'll be putting into my body won't exactly make me more normalized... LOL

And if this cycle works... Well, we'll find out around Christmas time!!!! What an amazing and blessed gift that would be!!!!!!!!! (Not that I'm already getting excited but what an amazing thought!) Oh, and to talk about putting the chariot before the horse... We'd be due late August which means I could give Charles the best birthday present ever (August 19 is his special day) OR it could be our 6th Year wedding Anniversary present to ourself! :-)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Not sure.

Well. The election is over. It's all said and done. At least we've got until January to really get used to the idea. That is when HE takes over. Wow. Just know that I will be on my knees more than ever before praying for this country. For all the leaders within the world. For each and every person who lives on planet Earth. I pray that those who do not know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, will. That those who have accepted this beautiful and life saving, literally, free gift from God our Father will have their spiritual eyes and ears opened to hear the Holy Spirit leading them the way in which they should go. Prayer. That is all that can be done at this point. Please, join with me and so many others in praying.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Christmas Wish List

It's that time of year, again! The time when loved ones start asking for ideas as to what to get others for Christmas. I generally have a hard time thinking up a list as nothing is in dire need or want. I prefer to give than receive anyways. :-)

So, the last couple of nights, laying in bed, I realied I truly miss four things. Ready?

1. My chiropractor visits. Boy do I need a good adjustment! I feel it in my right hip area that's in your back (if that makes any sense!).

2. Massages. No, I did not get these often but when I did they were wonderful! So relaxing...

3. Facials. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Deep sigh. Again, this was not a "way of life" for me but it's sure been a long time since I had one and my pores certainly need it! (Yes, need. LOL)

4. This I do believe I miss the most. My acupuncture visits. I was going regularly in Georgia and felt a HUGE difference in myself that I just really cannot describe. I miss the forced relaxation that comes with each visit. To know that nothing was chemical based or hurting my body. I just felt so at ease and often drifted off to sleep I was so relaxed. It's been 7 months and counting, since my last acu visit. :-(

Unfortunately, I cannot recommend any place (YET) in Missouri to obtain such pleasures. Perhaps that's a reason to seek out these services? :-)

And onto other "Christmas Wish Lists".

The last couple of days I've really been in prayer as to what God wants me to do with my life. I mean, really. I've got my Bachelors degree so it must be for something, right? I have realized since that God wanted to humble me first. I once thought of my job at Lowe's as a Cashier (and now Installed Sales Coordinator) to be temporary as "I wanted to help people". God humbled me. He clearly reminded me that even as a Cashier, I was helping people. No job is too little in God's book. Although I do not feel as though Lowe's will be my forever employer, I do feel like God has me here for a reason so I'm trying so hard to listen to Him and learn what I'm meant to learn at my time there.

I feel like my "niche'" has been given to me by suffering from Infertility. These are the couples I want to help. I want to do whatever I can, by the knowledge given to me by God, to help these couples obtain the family they so desire to have. This could be biological or adoptive children. it doesn't matter. A family is what is desired. It seems like God keeps giving me ideas in my head to get the word out. It's a slow process and lots of baby steps are needed first.

I really believe that the first step is to start a website and get that going... Ah, the price of it though! We're investigating and hoping to find something that is expandable yet costs what we can afford at this time. I just feel like a website would provide a whole new avenue of connections that are much needed for growth. One day...

The big vision. I see conferences, speakers, scholarships, support groups world wide, and so much more coming about! And all free to those who wish to join! The cost would, hopefully, be set apart by sponsers and donations. One baby step at a time...

So my Christmas wish list. To get a website up and running for IES (Infertility - Education and Support) which in turn, hopefully helps other couples who are all walking the same path on their journey to parenthood!

Yes. I want to spend the rest of my life helping couples have babies!!! As funny as that may sound, my heart fills with joy whenever I learn about a new baby to be welcomed into the world! I feel as though God has had us go down this path for a reason. Something that Satan meant for harm, God is using for His glory! No matter if and when Charles and I become parents, I want to see the joy in others faces and hear it in their voices when they announce they are blessed with a baby whether their womb or a gracious birth mother's womb!

I had the first opportunity of this just recently. Our first IES baby is expected to join the world in June 2009! To hear her voice as we talked about this blessing. Oh, I can't wait to see her and walk along this journey with her. This, my friends, is worth my every heartache and tear that I've cried (and there have been MANY!). May God continue to bless these couples and that I may continue to share in their joys and sorrows too!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I should know better! (Totally dedicated to baby making should I add.)

This is me, knocking my head against a brick wall over and over and over again. I was stupid. I have been using Soy as a natural Ovulation Inducing medication. This is my third cycle using it. The first two, well, my dosage was 140 and 160 mg. This cycle I decided I would increase my dosage (although I ovulated beautifully on the prior dosages) in the hopes of getting a nice plumper eggie. UGH. So, I upped it to 240mg. (yes, gasp, please.)

Instead of getting the wonderful ovulation cramps I always get to tell me when ovulation is here, I just got cramps all day, everyday. After a week, I finally called my Dr. After finding out he was away, I picked a name in the Yellow Pages (phone book people) and called. I spoke with the most knowledgable Nurse ever! She told me it sounds like I have given myself OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). Lovely. I researched and indeed have the mild symptoms. Yes, the cramps are still here and according to the nurse, probably will be until my period arrives. Great. So now, I'm just hoping for ovulation to have occured already so my period can come and I can start fresh again. :-( I guess that's what I get for trying to "help" myself along... Yes, who in the world gets OHSS from Soy???? Really. This is my body for you. Super duper uper sensitive to EVERYTHING!

So, apart from being so bloated my pants are super tight and cramping off and on all day (and night) I am feeling great. Oh yes, should I also add that once this cycle ends I'm going to see this new office as the plan is all laid out. I will start Clomid CD 4-8, Estrodial (Sp?, It's a natural Estrogen) CD 9-13, and on CD 13 have an ultrasound done to check my follicules and after confirmed ovulation I will take Promethium (sp?, a Progesterone) to aide in giving me a nice uterine lining to help along with implantation. It sounds absolutely perfect!

The longest my current Dr. and this new office will put me on Clomid for is 4-5 cycles depending on how you respond to the treatment as long term side effects include an increased risk of certain cancers such as uterine, breast, and ovarian. So, max, five shots at a baby. Once this is up, it's onto injectible medicines and Charles and I don't know if we'll go that route. So really, in six months ish time frame, our medicated journey to a baby could be over. Of course, there always is cause for changing our mind along the way but for now, that's our stopping point.

So, this post is really a blabbing one since I wanted to write the first day of November but the only thing coming to my mind was a reminder from the lovely annoying pains from my wonderful ovaries... Hence, the topic for tonight. ;-)

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Halloween night!