Sunday, November 23, 2008

Seeking Answers.

I am awake. My body is tired. My emotions rolling. My mind trying to wrap around all my thoughts. It's been one rough night's sleep.

After a nice long conversation with a someone whom shall remain nameless, I have really faced reality. I now completely understand why God has not blessed us with a child in the past up to now. The last three years have been engulfed with making Charles a daddy and me a mommy. So many thoughts. So many emotions. So much time and effort. I found myself living in time incrementals just waiting to Ovulate and just waiting for my period to arrive hoping just once it wouldn't. I am done. For now anyways.

My heart just breaks. The tears start flowing. Even now I think to myself, "Perhaps now that I've given up it will happen???" Why?? Becuase so many people have told me just forget about it and it will happen. Just RELAX. Well. If I have anything to say about it, it will not happen. Not now anyways.

My main goal. To slowly heal my heart. I love my child, one that I do not even have, more than life itself. It's time for me to stop focusing on my future child(ren) so much. To put away all the reminders that I am indeed, childless. I just really pray that God takes away this desire of my heart. That I won't feel my heart breaking when it seems I'm the only one in the room without a child or child-to-be. That I will always cherish a child's life and never become bitter becuase it's not something I have.

The second goal and to be honest, a huge reason why I've gone down this path. Student loans. you know. The only reason Charles and myself were able to get through college. Yep. Those things. They are coming due January 2009. Why is it really just hitting me??? For some stupid reason I had it all figured out. If the baby came before the payments were due then we'd have it all figured out by then. Now with the thought of being pregnant and spending every last penny (that we don't have) on student loans just freaks me out a bit. I had a morphed sense of reality I guess... :-( And so the never ending saga of me finding a job that pays at least double what I'm getting paid now continues. And no, it's just pathetic how little I'm being paid now! It's not that my expectations are too high!

Should I also add that Charles does not agree with all this??? He has his own little plan all figured out in his head and has no desire what so ever of stopping trying for a baby. I believe my worrying about our financial situation and wishing that we wouldn't get pregnant would over take whatever good the medicines were doing to me. And well, we also will save money on treatments right now as even though the infertility treatments are covered, there still is some out of pocket like co-pays, rx, and who knows what other loop holes insurances have!

So. Here I am. Today I will spend de-baby'ing from my lives. That means packing away the little odds and ends that I've collected to display when baby comes. Packing away the baby blankets that I have held on to from my and my brother's baby years in the hopes of one day swaddling my baby with them. To pack away the several little baby clothes that I've collected along the way. I debate about passing them along to someone who actually has a baby in her future or keeping them in storage to hopefully one day pull them back out.

To not have a child is very difficult. To suddenly put the breaks on the journey is even harder for me. To deny myself the ability to daydream of my child(ren). To not give suggestions or tell of what I know and have learned along the way will be difficult as well. To tuck all this to the back of my mind.

God is good. He is. I find comfort in Him. I pray that He will guide me and give me a sense of peace. That Charles and I may choose our paths wisely and no longer take advantage of the time that we have together, just as husband and wife.

Please pray for me. For us. We want to seek God and follow His plan for our lives, whatever it may be.

1 comment:

squirrelgirl said...

{{{HUGS}}} I'm so sorry you've had to make this heart-wrenching decision. Perhaps someone is telling you that now just isn't the right time? I can only think that somewhere down the road you and Charles will be blessed with the child(ren) you desire and so richly deserve. As cliche as it sounds, maybe this is all happening for a reason - perhaps to let you guys settle more into your new community, new careers and get past this awful economic downturn? I want nothing less than the best for you - just hang in there and somehow, some way, some day, you will have your little bundle. Whether it be unassisted, through ART or adoption... you WILL be a Mommy! So keep all those baby items. Pack them away for now if you must, but keep them in your heart as a symbol of hope for the future.