Monday, May 16, 2011

Been Busy!

Little Miss has earned the new nickname, courtesy of her daddy, "Mischievous Madelyn". And boy is that true! She has been army crawling for almost two weeks now and this past weekend started "real" crawling on all fours! Of course, her main incentive is still the nasty dog toy but at least she's moving! Needless to say, "Mischievous Madelyn" is into EVERYTHING! It's quite comical really. Watching her explore the world around her opens my eyes to new things every day too. Like the dust bunnies collecting in odd places or how she instinctively finds every outlet in the house...

We have been on again/off again with solids. She is not a fan of jar foods at all. We've been relying on this mesh feeder as she absolutely loves it! Really helps with teething too and since she has just recently cut her first tooth with a couple clearly right behind, we pull out the mesh feeder often around home and while out!

Her favorite fruit so far, hands down, strawberries! Just like her Uncle Daniel...

The deck we had installed has been a God send! We LOVE spending time outside. The dogs roam while Little Miss and I play, sing, and talk. Looking forward to the stairs and fence getting installed one day too... It's been a nightmare!

{Yes, Jack still thinks she is his baby!}

I cannot believe my baby girl is going to be 7 months on the 23rd! I still thank God daily for this wonderful blessing! She truly is such an amazing little girl and we are so proud to be her parents!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lables- Secondary Infertility?

It is no secret that hubby and I want more kids. God willing.

It is not secret that I want our kids close in age. God willing.

I really hoped for "Irish twins". That didn't happen.

I now am really hoping to be pregnant before Little Miss's first birthday.

In seeing the stark white OPK {negative} daily now, I am already getting defeated. Do I already have secondary infertility written across my forehead? Am I doomed to the heartache trying to conceive brings? At what point do I make a mad dash to the RE and start the lovely path of blood work and meds again?

I had a reality check last night as I was searching {THE most amazing breastfeeding resource available!} and due to Little Miss' nursing frequency and lack of solid eating and non sleeping through the night and rejection of plastic pacifier in favor for the human pacifier I am, it looks as though I will not have fertility return for some time now.

This excites me and frustrates me. I'm super excited to not have a period for such a long time! Super excited that my body, God's design, forces me to wait before getting pregnant again. Excited that my absolute earliest I want Little Miss to wean from nursing is a year. {Yes, she wean not me wean her.} Excites me that I am giving Little Miss just what she needs, sole mommy and daddy's attention. God blessed us with her first for a reason. It frustrates me as I'm wasting money peeing on these darn OPKs. Frustrates me that we cannot go ahead and actively try to conceive a sibling for Little Miss.

So now I work through the labels that surround me... Wife. Mom. Daughter. Sister. Infertile?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day Upon Us, again.

Six years ago, Mother's Day was a daydream of what I one day hoped to have. A day I spent with my mom and brothers, thankful for our mom. A day that other than buying a card and small gift for my mom, I did not put much self thought into.

Five years ago that all changed...

The first Mother's Day came and went in 2006. We had been trying to conceive our first for just four short months. I just knew the following Mother's Day I would indeed be a mom. I laugh now at that.

Each passing Mother's Day was more emotionally taxing than the last. Each passing holiday was filled with mixed emotions. I was thankful for the years I was able to spend this day with my mom as not to focus of my lack of being a mother myself. When alone though, those feelings crept right back to the surface and took over.

Mother's Day 2010 I was right at 12 weeks pregnant with our Little Miss. Excited. Fearful. Trying to remain optimistic yet cautiously doing so. This was a new set of feelings.

I was told over and over and over again that I was a mom... Pregnancy made me a mom. In that aspect, I was a mom back in 2006. Sadly, miscarriage took that baby from me. I received first Mother's Day cards. I kept those cards, hoping for the best.

Mother's Day 2011- I am a tangible mom. I have held my child in my arms.

Mother's Day is different. Especially this year. Many emotions come flooding back as I reflect on where I was and where I am now. Our journey through infertility brought us here. I thank God for each step along the way as how else would Little Miss have come to us?

I also reflect on my mom... Our relationships up and downs. The daughter I have not always been yet want to be. The mother I always want to be. The granddaughter I should have been and now it is too late.

Mom, I hope Mother's Day is just another day to you. I hope you do not need some Hallmark holiday to know that you are so very special and loved by me, your daughter. I thank God for allowing you to be my mama! I love you mom!

Baby changes everything...

When pregnant I was told over and over and over {and over and over and over...} again that "A baby changes everything"! My response? Rolling of yes with a "yeah, yeah" attitude.

No really. A baby changes everything!

The obvious. Ya know- like watching what I put in my body as she gets trace amounts via breast milk.

The not so obvious. Like willingly going to a one car family.

Then their are the words I have muttered that I never in a million years expected to come from these lips...

"I want to move back to Georgia."

Those. words. The complete opposite of the words I have spoken many times throughout my high school life... I could not wait to leave Georgia! To spread my wings and fly! Instead, I am like a Penguin {right bird?} that has flown and now wants to come back home to settle.

Baby has brought to surface some feelings that I thought were handled. No. Instead they are raw feelings again.

Baby changes the way I see my mom... My dad... My in-laws... My brothers... My cousins... My friends... No sense in wasting time establishing relationships with those, regardless of their "title" in my life, if they don't truly care about Little Miss or us really.

Baby has changed the way I see community. Not necessarily community in the sense of what is offered but instead the people. I want my daughter to grow up in a close community of people. A village of sorts. You know, because "it takes a village to raise a child".

For what it is worth- I truly believe this. This is one reason I'm sad we're not back home, living in Georgia. Georgia is where our "village" is. I never acknowledged that fully until now...

I love how baby has indeed changed our lives... Changed our lives for the better, no doubt.

I, naively, did not realize baby would change even the things deeply hidden...