Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lables- Secondary Infertility?

It is no secret that hubby and I want more kids. God willing.

It is not secret that I want our kids close in age. God willing.

I really hoped for "Irish twins". That didn't happen.

I now am really hoping to be pregnant before Little Miss's first birthday.

In seeing the stark white OPK {negative} daily now, I am already getting defeated. Do I already have secondary infertility written across my forehead? Am I doomed to the heartache trying to conceive brings? At what point do I make a mad dash to the RE and start the lovely path of blood work and meds again?

I had a reality check last night as I was searching Kellymom.com {THE most amazing breastfeeding resource available!} and due to Little Miss' nursing frequency and lack of solid eating and non sleeping through the night and rejection of plastic pacifier in favor for the human pacifier I am, it looks as though I will not have fertility return for some time now.

This excites me and frustrates me. I'm super excited to not have a period for such a long time! Super excited that my body, God's design, forces me to wait before getting pregnant again. Excited that my absolute earliest I want Little Miss to wean from nursing is a year. {Yes, she wean not me wean her.} Excites me that I am giving Little Miss just what she needs, sole mommy and daddy's attention. God blessed us with her first for a reason. It frustrates me as I'm wasting money peeing on these darn OPKs. Frustrates me that we cannot go ahead and actively try to conceive a sibling for Little Miss.

So now I work through the labels that surround me... Wife. Mom. Daughter. Sister. Infertile?

3 comments:

Mom said...

Just relax....

(I know that is your favorite piece of advice)

Anonymous said...

I totally understand where you're coming from, as I once was there myself. I wanted to have 18 months between my kids, always dreamed of Irish twins. I also have PCOS BTW. I weaned my son at 11 months in order to get pregnant again. I have a luteal phase defect when breast feeding (this is very normal) and stopped in order to get more fertile. It took me 10 months after weaning to get pregnant again, and I regret weaning him so early when I didn't even get pregnant. I ended up having 2.5 years between my kids. When nr. 2 came along I realized how crazy I was hoping for Irish twins. It is HARD WORK, even with 2.5 years between them! I felt so guilty towards my first born that he was suddenly in "second place" because the baby needed so much attention. Next time around I will be waiting even longer, 3-4 years. I am still breast feeding my 2nd son and he almost 18 months. No signs of self-weaning yet.

Yes, you will most likely not conceive when breast feeding, especially during her first year, you most likely have a luteal phase defect in addition to irregular/unpredictable ovulation because of breast feeding and PCOS. You have to be prepared that your daughter might not self-wean until she's 2 years old. You might have to adjust your dream of Irish twins and focus on what's important to you right now at this moment, not what you thought was ideal *before* you had her. You might want to focus on giving your daughter all the attention she needs at this moment, enjoy her babyhood, and breast feed her as long as you feel is right.

I know it might be difficult to let go of ideas you had before about your "ideal" family. But everything changes when you have kids, maybe you'll just have to go with the flow on this one too?

Annie Kates said...

I obsessed over AF starting back up. It took me until they were almost 1 year. Gabe was still nursing. I won't ever know if we can get pregnant without help, since we won't try.(a few snowbabies still waiting for us)But believe me, my mind always wonders "what if?"
The biggest thing we have learned on this road of infertility is that we are not in control, He is.
You were blessed with Madelyn right when you should have been. The Lord saw fit to send her to you at that moment.
You keep doing what you do best. Be her mama, cuddle her, sing and play with her, and nurse her as you and she see fit.
When the time is right, you will be blessed again. I can feel it in my bones.