Monday, June 30, 2008

Goodbyes

Today was difficult on so many levels. I started the day by getting the U-Haul Trailer after getting the oil changed and tires rotated. Let me first off say that i will not listen to anyone else's advice when it comes to things, K? After all the many lectures I received from the numerous people I spoke with in regards to towing the trailer (it's a 8' X 5') the ONE piece of advice that I would have found the most useful never even crossed the tounge of the first person... After driving a few feet my heart was in my throat! No one ever mentioned that the car would feel like the engine is blowing up and it would vibrate like crazy... Gee, thanks. Instead I drove all the way home thinking the car was going to EXPLODE!!!!!!!! if you are going to give advice, PLEASE give USEFUL advice... ;-)

I met up with my mom and spent the afternoon running errands and having lunch and of course ice cream. then came the hard goodbyes... Although I have had the good days and bad days with my folks, i love them dearly. They are indeed my parents... :-) It is going to be so different being somewhere and not having the capabilities to just hop in the car and see them at anytime. instead, it's going to take some great planning but will certainly happen!

I have such a range of emotions. I feel guilty for causing such hurt on my family for leaving. i feel guilty as I'm still excited about going. I feel guilty for being selfish and looking forward to starting a fresh adventure with just Charles and I. No one will know our (okay, my) past. no one will question me on how I "feel" in regards to the major life changes my family has gone through. Those that will know us will only know what we choose to share... :-) THIS is the exciting part. i do hope it is a great thing for everyone and we'll be supported throughout it all!!!!

i have no doubt i will get homesick. I have no doubt I am going to cry like a baby tomorrow as I'm driving away. I'm not going to be in denial that this is going to be tough... I just want everyone to know that I love them and thank them for being there for us both through this!!

Daniel and my dad packed up the trailer and i'm all set and ready to go for tomorrow!!!! I am planning on pulling out of the driveway at 5:32 AM for a LLLLOOOONNNNGGG ride ahead of us.

Oh, on another completely random note. God has a mighty funny sense of humor! :-) A couple days ago I made the comment that I did want to get online for a LONG time! LOL well, then I realized that I've gotta update my blog and took back what I said. Low and behold, um, today i made a phone call and was told that indeed no one can come and hook up Cable/Internet/Phone until July 11!!!! LOL What am i going to do?? haha!!! I guess I'll have a ton of scrapbooks done... :-) So, no updates between now and then as this is my final post before leaving!

Please pray that Daniel and I have a safe trip there and him a safe flight back on Saturday! Pray that Charles flies to Saint Louis safely on Friday for the weekend together. Pray that we get settled in quickly and we find a new home church soon! :-)

Alright, I guess I'm done rambling... Gotta make it long enough to last the next 10 days! have a wonderful and happy Fourth of July and be safe!!!!!! Lots of love from us!!!! :-)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

***COLLEGE GRADUATE HERE!!!!!!***

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! I walked across that stage without tripping!!!!!! :-) I received my diploma (well, the makeshift one) this afternoon! I was watched proudly on by my husband, mom, Ray, dad, Jodi, three brothers, and Chad! :-) I cannot believe this day has come! I really won't believe I'm done until I can have a whole day of thinking that not the first thought of school enters my brain! ;-) Oh, what a feeling... AAAAhhhhhh

Although the ovearll ceremony was amazing, their were three things that irritated me. Two significiantly more-so than others. The first was as the singers were preparing for the National Anthem, four military guys were walking forward carrying our flags. Instead of the audience being RESPECTFUL they start hollaring student's names, screaming, and waving their arms frantically around. Finally, others in the audience started to boo these loud mouths and the auditorium was calm again.

Secondly, after all those receiving thier Bachelors degree sat, the Masters and Doctorial programs had their turn. A steady line of individuals receiving their Bachelors degree were getting up and LEAVING in the middle of the other degree programs!!!!! Talk about RUDE! I saw multiple (at least five) people on their cell phones and some using them while walking from the commencement. I cannot believe the lack of class these individuals have...

Thirdly. So very important. I was sad as we were not invited to throw our hats in the air! :-( Instead we were onlly instructed to switch our tassles from the right to the left side.

I will post pics when I get time... Oh, i will be So glad when that excuse is vanished... :-)

On a sad note. I had to take my hubby back to the airport tonight to fly back. :-( I miss him So very dearly... Boy am I glad I get to see him for THREE days this next weekend due to July 4!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Adios Amigos and Georgia!

Since my last post things have been pretty hectic... I've been working my tail off to finish classes up and getting ready for our Casino themed going away party! :-)

This morning Charles flew in for the weekend!!! ;-) YEAH!!! It's so exciting seeing him that I just treasure everything about our visits... I picked him up about 9:30am and we met up with Chris, Alice, and the girls at Arbor Place Mall. We chatted and walked around for a bit. After spending some time in Border's (where I purchased the book "The Infertility Cure" that I've heard nothing but wonderful things about so i'll keep you updated on what I learn!) we said our Goodbye's. Caitilen was the hardest to say goodbye to and that's because she had crocodile sized tears streaming down her face... I'm gonna miss all three of those girls!

We headed to dad's house where Charles saw the dogs for the first time since his May 27 departure. Jill only slightly barked at him and it wasn't even the "You're a stranger" bark but a "i remember you but let me place you so here's a warning bark for you"... :-) Jack greeted him like he had never left! What else would you expect? it was hilarious though as Jill was making this noise that we've never heard before and it was loud all in the midst of her excitement.

After relaxing for uno moment, we headed to the Sharpsburg rec center to see how decorating and food was coming along for the Casino party tonight. Things were looking pretty good! We stayed for a bit to help decorate and all then left to relax some more before getting ready for the evening.

The party was scheduled to start at 7pm with a 'word of mouth' RSVP of close to 40 people. So when 8pm rolled around and only about 20 people were there i was getting worried as we had enough food and stuff for an army of 40!!! we had a few late arrivals but still had only about 25 people but you know what, it was fun anyways! :-) i enjoyed the company from those who showed up!

I said goodbye to dear friends tonight of those whom I have known for a short period of time to very long periods of time... So many mixed emotions with leaving but an overwhelming YEAH coming from deep insie me! :-)

We are REALLY trying hard to remain positive about the whole move and know that we're going to experience something completely new and different and we may love it and we may hate it and either way is fine. :-) We have just made sure to give it our best shot (and boogie with the song too!) and anything less is not worth giving.

And that is where our day ends for today... Off to dreamland where my husband doesn't have to leave tomorrow........ ZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Monday, June 23, 2008

The South Beach Diet thoughts

I know everone says to not live by a "diet" but instead change your lifestyle but I thought I would take a few moments to express how this "lifestyle" of mine has been flushed down the TOILET lately! The last two weeks I have been so OFF the diet, like as in, i cannot even find the line for diet versus no diet living and eating! And since this is happening, I figured I would reflect on how this time has been spent and how wonderful it has been not thinking about what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, or what I'm eating. This perhaps is my problem...

After being on the South Beach Diet (from here on out referred to as SBD), I have noticed significiant changes in my body both physically and mentally/emotionally. The biggest change is that I was not having any "ovary" pain and aches as in from the PCOS when living by the SBD but since I've been eating whatever I want, I have had a ton of aches and pains in this area. I visualize it as cysts growing again while before they had nothing to hold onto while now there are sugars and other good stuff to thrive off of. I have also noticed that my hair and nails are not growing and looking as they should. I have also had more skin breakouts than when on the SBD... My last complaint would be my weight! DUH! LOL I have not put back on a whole lot of weight but I can certainly feel it in my clothes as to how they once fit versus how they fit not. :-( THAT sucks! i worked So hard to lose that weight and now I'm just gonna let some minor life issues stress me out to where I'm eating ice cream multiple times a week along with pasta, breads, and other "no-no's" on the SBD...

My committment to myself! July 1, the day I leave for Missouri, I am starting phase ONE again of the SBD. Here, i am going to live, eat, and exercise as Phase One'ers are supposed to. I am ready to get healthy, again, and this time stay that way! I figured a new life in Missouri is reason enough to start a new get healthy plan of action!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The countdown verdict... 11 days!

that's it folks... 11 days until GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) it also means that 12 days until i leave for my new home in Missouri. 10 Days until I participate in commencement for my Bachelors degree!!! 9 days until I see my hubby again and we have our "Vegas Casino" themed going away party for us...

Wow have I got a BUSY long weekend ahead of me! Anyone wanna help?? ;-)

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day!!!

To all the fathers and soon-to-be-fathers and hoping-to-be-fathers out there, Happy Daddy's Day!!!!! :-) I hope the day was spent resting and enjoying your one day a year special day! :-)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm BBBBAAACCCKKKK!!!

I survived, barely, the flight back from St. Louis today. It was a rough one... LOTS of turbulance and pretty freaky if you ask me. Too bad i was flying solo or else I would have certainly paid the $6.00 for a glass of wine! LOL

So, to sum up my trip in as short of a post as I possibly can...

Anyways, so my trip was a good one. I eliminated two areas that I once thought we wanted to live in (Hazelwood and Florissant) and have learned more about others (Creve Creour?, Chesterfield, Maryland Heights, O'Fallon, St. Charles) where we do think we want to live. I had two job interviews both of which I felt went well.

On Thurs. I drove to my original hotel in Hazelwood and did NOT feel safe at all!!! I never got out of the car and instead called to cancel my reservations and drove (did not know where to) but somewhere else! I remembered hearing about Creve Creour? and decided to go there and look for a hotel. yeah, um, it was REALLY nice! I landed one there and got a pretty darn good deal if I might say so myself (thanks to the skills I learned from Dave Ramsey... this simply was to SHUT UP! When you ask something, SHUT UP and don't say anything else until you've heard it all. That's exactly what I did and the room rate dropped $40 a night, I got a card for complementary drinks from 5-10pm along with pop corn and such, a room upgrade to a King Suite, and all at a nice hotel.) After checking in and settling in, I ventred to AppleBee's which was connected to the hotel. I had mac-n-cheese with chicken at the bar (no drinking for me, I had a job interview to go to!) but almost immediately after finishing my lunch I got horrid sick! I thought i was going to have to call 9-1-1 myself in the bathroom stalls!!! It was horrible the pain I felt!!! I think it was a combo of nerves, lunch, and I don't know what else. So, I survived.

I drove around all over. I checked out the Creve Croeur? park which was AMAZING might I add... It has like um, yeah, EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine there!!! A massive lake to do whatever you want except swim in. A golf range, putting course, frisbee golf course, trails, fields, etc, etc, etc... MASSIVE and so comfortable feeling! I must say, I love all the parks that Missouri has that Georgia seems to be slacking in. :-)

I had my interview with the nanny family and after spending like two hours there, I left and went back to the hotel. it's for a 6 month old little girl who's adorable might I add...

On Friday, my interview was over by like 1pm CST and then I headed back to the hotel. I was kind of bummed after that as it was raining so i was not about to go driving around someplace I didn't know in the rain and storms. I then got a phone call from Charles who said he was on his way to his folks' house in Kansas. After googling it, he was only 4 hours away from me... I really was bummed then!!! So close yet still so far away. I just wanted to see my husband and feel his kisses and be wrapped in his arms... I just decided that I NEEDED to see him and so after making phone calls and all I got a credit on my hotel for the night I didn't use, changed my car rental location from St. Louis to Kansas City, Kansas, and left. I didn't know whether I wanted to laugh or cry driving there. I just knew that the most beautiful words I had heard from my husband in a couple of weeks were, "I'll see you soon!" I spent probably the first half of the trip just crying my eyes out (yeah, dangerous while driving) and the second half laughing at myself!

I arrived almost to the minute, four hours later and saw his parents and got my things inside. About 20 minutes later he knocks on the front door! I felt my heart skip a beat knowing he was right there!!! Talk about having the heart grow fonder... :-) I tried so hard to contain myself from just bawling and I was indeed successful! Oh his hugs and kisses I miss so much. (as I sit here typing, I hold back a wave of emotions and tears missing him...) We had such a wonderful and much needed visit yet still so short. When he took me to the airport Sat. morning I cried... I cried leaving his arms getting onto the plane, cried standing in security lines, cried on the plane. (Crying now as I type this) I just miss my husband...

During our visit though I got a phone call from the nanny family offering me the position. :-) It's such a relief to know that when he's done with training (Aug. 21) and goes to St. Louis I'll be the one greeting him!!!

So, here's a pic of my hubby and I after being apart for 2 1/2 weeks...

Us again in KS

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Leaving for Missouri...

Tomorrow morning, oh so bright and early, I will leave Atlanta, GA where I have called home since 1990 and fly to Bridgeton, MO where I am told will be my NEW home... I'm so very excited and nervous and anxious about the whole situation. To be honest though, 99.999999% of it is all derived from the flight to and from itself! :-( Isn't that pathetic?? LOL Flying just causes such uneasy feelings within me. Please pray that God provides me with a sense of peace and that I will be a-okay throughout the flight! Other than the flight, I am nervous about the horrible weather that's supposed to be lingering around MO over the next couple of days. THAT sucks but hey, I guess since it's going to be my new home I might as well get used to the weather now, right?? :-)

So, my schedule consists of arriving early, getting my loaner car, finding the hotel, driving around for a bit, going to my interview, going back to the hotel to sleep for the night. The next day will be breakfast, drive around, lunch interview, drive around, sleep for the night. The following day, wake up, go to the airport, fly back to Atlanta. Sounds like fun, huh? I AM going to try to find us some place to live though while I am there...

So, that's it. I've got some things to finish up around here and then off to Missouri!!!! Yeah, I've gotta wake up at 4:30AM so i'd better get to cracking on it!!!! Pray for me please!!!! I'll udpate once I get back!! ;-)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

FREE dog!!!!

Yes, you read right. Jill made me SOOO mad tonight!!! She decided that she needed another bath and went and rolled around in that darn poop pile again!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was furious! I saw her going that direction and instead of listening to me when I'm stomping around calling her she continues right on to the poop pile... After running down the stairs, she comes towards me knowing she's in trouble!! she KNOWS that she's not supposed to hence the whole submissive act after the act! dogs... yes, I was So ready to give her to anyone that would take her but now that I've calmed down a bit, i'm going to keep her. :-) She is after all my "Jilly-goat". That and Jack would not know what to do without his Jill... they are such two peas in a pod!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

Since I've started this, I must continue it... :-)

Dad, I hope you have a WONDERFUL Birthday Day and enjoy that Funfetti cake made with love by ME!!! :-)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

While I'm at it...

Here's another "list" that while I read, I laughed so hard at only to self reflect that the only reason I could laugh is that I've "been there, done that"!!!! :-) I guess this is a list of stuff only those who have gone through find funny while those who are fertile just roll their eyes at that one would ever even have these thoughts/feelings!

http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/you-might-be-an-infertile-if/#comment-17183

Infertility thoughts I wish I could share...

I read this from a fellow blogger's blog and fell in love! So many of these I feel all too often to really care to admit. I guess this is just par for the course for today as my cycle came to a halting end today. BUT, at least I know that when the time comes to TTC again, Femara works for me!!! :-) I had a BEAUTIFUL ovulation at an appropriate time in my cycle along with a healthy luteal phase length (the time between ovulation and my period starting). :-) SEE, I can be optimistic when things still don't pan out how I wish! Yes, I am all too aware that that sentence had too many I's and not enough of putting my faith and trust in God...

So, we're on a forced TTC break while Charles is in OKC for training until August 21. Until then, I'm allowing myself to NOT think about getting pregnant or trying or babies!!! :-) What a weight and freedome that is going to be! Instead, I am focusing on loosing weight as I'm putting myself on Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet again. I REALLY got off with my birthday and time to get back on again! :-)

***Things we wish we could tell people about Grieving Infertility***
~I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask what you can do to help. I wish that you would not stop calling or asking questions just because you don't know what to say.
~If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
~I wish you wouldn't pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
~I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling.
Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
~I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
~I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls and if it was as simple as you think you think it is, we would have found it already.
~Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something "wrong." It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
~I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.
~I wish you could see that the goal is not to "get pregnant." It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.
~I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
~My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I become withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don't try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
~It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings. I wish you would let me tangle with my opinions and beliefs without making me feel guilty. I wish you would not classify this struggle as a simple matter of faith and belief. I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the "new me"…maybe you will still like me.
~I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them but our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behaviour during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
~I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things like pregnancies and/or baby showers. Infertility does not make us bad people, just people in pain.
~I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that to guide your support. Ask yourself the same questions you turn on me, "Why don't YOU JUST...?"
~I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs. But that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk.
~I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind with also respecting my thoughts and actions.
~I wish you would do the best as you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.
~I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance. But also pray that this pain will subside.

Sometimes I NEED to be around babies/children on a non-working level to allow myself to have hope again and grow that desire even more so that when times are bad, I have something to fall back on. I believe this is why my best friend, in not the most ideal situation, had a baby. I need that infant to love and to dream with. To know that yes, ONE DAY I will be a mother!!! Until then, I can snuggle and smell the beautiful scent only a newborn holds...

On an uplifting thought. While shopping at JC Penny with Jodi who had wondered into the baby section I came across a beautiful baby room decoration. It says Motherhood is a miracle no matter how it is achieved. It was just what I needed to see and God knew this. :-)

*My list post was taken from a fellow blogger who got it from http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/