Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Infertility thoughts I wish I could share...

I read this from a fellow blogger's blog and fell in love! So many of these I feel all too often to really care to admit. I guess this is just par for the course for today as my cycle came to a halting end today. BUT, at least I know that when the time comes to TTC again, Femara works for me!!! :-) I had a BEAUTIFUL ovulation at an appropriate time in my cycle along with a healthy luteal phase length (the time between ovulation and my period starting). :-) SEE, I can be optimistic when things still don't pan out how I wish! Yes, I am all too aware that that sentence had too many I's and not enough of putting my faith and trust in God...

So, we're on a forced TTC break while Charles is in OKC for training until August 21. Until then, I'm allowing myself to NOT think about getting pregnant or trying or babies!!! :-) What a weight and freedome that is going to be! Instead, I am focusing on loosing weight as I'm putting myself on Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet again. I REALLY got off with my birthday and time to get back on again! :-)

***Things we wish we could tell people about Grieving Infertility***
~I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask what you can do to help. I wish that you would not stop calling or asking questions just because you don't know what to say.
~If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
~I wish you wouldn't pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
~I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling.
Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
~I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
~I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls and if it was as simple as you think you think it is, we would have found it already.
~Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something "wrong." It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
~I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.
~I wish you could see that the goal is not to "get pregnant." It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.
~I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
~My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I become withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don't try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
~It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings. I wish you would let me tangle with my opinions and beliefs without making me feel guilty. I wish you would not classify this struggle as a simple matter of faith and belief. I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the "new me"…maybe you will still like me.
~I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them but our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behaviour during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
~I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things like pregnancies and/or baby showers. Infertility does not make us bad people, just people in pain.
~I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that to guide your support. Ask yourself the same questions you turn on me, "Why don't YOU JUST...?"
~I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs. But that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk.
~I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind with also respecting my thoughts and actions.
~I wish you would do the best as you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.
~I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance. But also pray that this pain will subside.

Sometimes I NEED to be around babies/children on a non-working level to allow myself to have hope again and grow that desire even more so that when times are bad, I have something to fall back on. I believe this is why my best friend, in not the most ideal situation, had a baby. I need that infant to love and to dream with. To know that yes, ONE DAY I will be a mother!!! Until then, I can snuggle and smell the beautiful scent only a newborn holds...

On an uplifting thought. While shopping at JC Penny with Jodi who had wondered into the baby section I came across a beautiful baby room decoration. It says Motherhood is a miracle no matter how it is achieved. It was just what I needed to see and God knew this. :-)

*My list post was taken from a fellow blogger who got it from http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/

1 comment:

Lolita said...

ooo i love that sign you saw in the baby section!!!
You can tell a woman invented that ;)

I think i want to print that list you wrote about today and put it on my frigde.