Sunday, January 10, 2010

What TO say to an Infertile...

After this post of "Heartless comments in 2009" raised some questions, I figured it would be a good start to make a list of things I {I'm in no way speaking for anyone else going thru infertility} like to hear when referencing our infertility {AKA- Lack of baby, still}...

...you're praying for us, but only if you really are.
...ask us how we are, and truly want to hear.
...ask questions but also do some of your own research.
...remind us that hope lives and miracles still happen.
...do not guilt me into being happy for someone elses situation, I will come around.
...try to sympathize with us.
...do not say anything to "fix" it. Just listen and cry/laugh/scream/rejoice with me.
...remind us it's okay to be in the valley's but also remind us to climb the mountain again.
...allow us to have our good and bad days. They are extremes too.
...learn that a baby is a baby whether conceived via 'natural' methods or IVF with ICSI! They all scream, poop, pee, eat, and have the same chance of being a brain surgeon!

The friendships that survive/begin while Infertile are so meaningful. The journey is filled with so many ups and downs that some times you pull back and want little to do with others and sometimes you need all the human contact you can get.

Henri Nouwen~ "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Plus, let's take into account the effects all the darn hormones we're pumping our body full of and how it impacts us physically, mentally, emotionally... It's rough! You're suddenly gained 10 additional pounds thanks to OHSS and people ask if you're pregnant but instead you're still in the 'trying' stages. You are on a high during the TWW with the possibility of the _________ treatment actually working and convincing yourself that you are pregnant and then when your period arrives, again, you come crashing down to the lowest of lows. The highs and lows that my marriage itself goes thru is incredible! I can totally understand why so many divorces happen while trying to conceive after being given the "infertile" diagnosis...

If you want to read what other's have suggest, check out Tertia's post on "How to be Good Friends with an Infertile" and RESOLVE's article.

Thank you to the friends who do choose to be there for us Infertiles... It means the world to have a cheering section for us that rejoices when we do and cries when we do!

3 comments:

Michele said...

I think the best one on the list is "try not to fix it". I wish that people realized that they cant.

Lisa said...

Great list! If only we could print it off and hand it to everyone we know. Maybe even people on the street...

mom said...

I see a toastmasters speech!
it is heartbreaking to watch someone you love so much go through so much heartache and disappointment. Those of us that love you will squeal loud enough for the world to hear and literally jump for joy when we get the long awaited announcement that you FINALLY have a baby coming.