Pissed off. {Spoiler, PCOS related}

I had full intentions to blog yesterday after my appointment. I couldn't. I've had to work through some things before sharing. Ya know, to more properly gather my thoughts and write with more controlled emotions.

My appointment yesterday went, well, overall well. I had the vaginal ultrasound first. I've lost count, I've had so many. I've seen my insides more times than some people see their gynecologist in their entire lifetime! I had an "incidental finding" of a nabothian cyst. And then my ovaries. FULL of cysts. Hello full on flaring up PCOS. Confirmed by the FSH:LH 1:3 ratio my recent labs were. Ugh.

I hate you.

PCOS that is.

My ovaries have not been that full of cysts well, since we were trying to get pregnant with Little Miss! Everything has been in semi auto pilot mode. I know, I've seen my ovaries a lot over the years {hence comment above}.

After the ultrasound, the Dr met us in the room where I was supposed to have an endometrial biopsy. She started off saying the ultrasound was pretty definitive with the classic PCOS ovaries and my endometrial lining looked great and she didn't feel the biopsy was necessary anymore. {Yay!}

Then we went on to discuss "options" to assist in us having a third baby... She wanted to put me on metformin, again {I have a bad reaction to it so that's a no go} since it's the typical treatment for PCOS regardless if one is pre-diabetic or diabetic or neither. Then she wanted to start me on Clomid, again. Because of my history with hyperstimulation on clomid {OHSS} she didn't feel comfortable prescribing it without closer monitoring, which she doesn't do. Ultimately, we walked out of the office with a referral to see another Reproductive Endocrinologist to be closely monitored on fertility drugs. I really just do not want to do fertility treatments again...

Hence why I'm pissed off. Angry. Disappointed. Sad. You name it, I've probably felt it over the last 24 hours.

I worked so very hard to lose almost 50 pounds {from my heaviest} only to gain 30 of it back in the last year and a half. Weight has such an impact on PCOS. Weight is also so incredibly hard to lose with PCOS.

Thanks PCOS.

Why? I know exactly why... The short version.

PCOS.

More detailed version.

Moving to Georgia during all the hoopla we were going through with Charles' work injury and Dept of Labor caused a lot of stress. Stress that my body couldn't handle as it was fighting mold. Mold that wrecked havoc on my body from head to toe. Literally. My thyroid went all out of whack. Food that I was eating that was filled with crap thanks to being in  "survival" mode and eating out a ton or eating in-laws meals and they just eat differently than we do. {To anyone that says food does not have an impact on ones body, I invite you to chat and view a timeline of blood work and ultrasounds I've had over the years. Seriously. The proof in black and white.}

We were not living our "normal" life.  The bubble we worked so hard to create to keep me/us healthy. Between the hormones in the crap food I was eating, estrogen mimicker exposures from plastics to dryer sheets, and stress of the complexity the situation was- the PCOS reared its ugly head again and here I am back where it all began in 2006 when I first received the diagnosis.... Heartbroken. Frustrated with myself. Why didn't I fight harder to maintain the bubble's integrity we created? Why did I let myself fall into "survival mode"? For me and my PCOS, just exercising doesn't cut it. I continued my walks. I didn't change any of that. Getting the fresh air that the 10 acres we lived on provided was awesome. Unfortunately it didn't counteract everything else that was going on.

Frustration doesn't end there, MTHFR Chemical Sensitivity has a part too. I hate that my body is so sensitive to the chemicals in the world today. This was never supposed to be. I hate that I really cannot enjoy eating out as I wonder constantly if the food is genetically modified or has gluten/dairy/soy additives in it. I hate that I cannot go to a shopping mall and walk through a department store without getting a headache from the perfumes or that I have to leave church when someone decides to bathe in perfume and sit right next to me. I hate that I wonder how long I'll be able to tolerate visiting someones house before I physically cannot handle it anymore due to the toxic plug ins/sprays/candles everyone but me seems to enjoy. Toxins contribute to added unwanted weight. Look into it more. Seriously.

So here I sit, starting this uphill battle with PCOS again. The trial and errors. The expenses of said trials.

It is "easier" to face the reality that achieving pregnancy will be difficult, again, and in actuality it may never happen since I do have Little Miss and Little Sister to wrap my arms around. The longing in my heart with desires for another child is as strong as ever though.

I am thankful that because of PCOS and the battles we've had in conceiving, I treasure so very much the pregnancies I had with both girls and the moments I have raising them. It does make the mundane much sweeter. And I know without a doubt that if the Lord's plan for our lives include another child, He will work another miracle. Getting pregnant is only a part of the PCOS issue.

So, hit me with any and all PCOS information! I'm a sponge soaking it all up, again.