Monday, December 16, 2013

"Cried like a kid?"

Our little family, running errands. Neither girl is crazy about the carseat, but currently Little Sister wins for crying the most whenever in it. On this particular trip, Little Miss was not fond of being strapped in either and they both were just a wailing! Nothing I could do helped. Hate those moments!  Then Charles said, "I remember crying so hard as a kid and then making those whimpering sounds. Do you?" I semi laughed and said "as a kid?" Boy did that spark a conversation.....and emotions in me.

So when was the last time you cried "like a kid"?

I'm pretty positive I have recently with all the crap going on with Charles and nonsense but the one that stuck out to me was September 10, 2008.

The raw emotions flooded back to me like I was still in that moment, despite it being 5 years and two kids later. It was a Wednesday and I was on my way home from an infertility support group I started in Missouri. It also happened to be my mom's birthday, who I so could not wait to make a "Nana!" I had missed calls and text messages to call Charles. When I finally spoke to him, the words out of his mouth were "Kim's pregnant?" {His sister} Here we were, almost four years into trying to get pregnant with only chemical pregnancies to show and yet their first cycle trying they were pregnant.

"Why God, why?!" was on repeat in a rather loud and not very nice voice.  No where in me could I find happiness for them, in that moment. I had just spent the last couple of hours with several other ladies who were all sharing the journey of infertility with me. Each story different, yet all with the same end goal. A child. I quickly hung up the phone with him to sob. Yes, I was still driving and looking back I should have pulled over. Thank the Lord for angels watching over me as that's the only explanation I have in making it home safe. I tried to call my mom for comfort and the only words out of my mouth before the ugly cry struck again were "Kim's pregnant". 

I sobbed from the inner most being of my soul.

I cried myself to sleep.

I woke with a headache from crying so much.

It was ugly.

I was ugly.

Definitely one of the lowest points for me in our infertility journey... I truly find it amazing how deep the holes are that infertility left in my heart. The lifelong impact that four year journey has had on us individually and as a couple.

Despite having "graduated" to mommy, my heart will always be with those on the roller coaster called infertility. Especially during the holidays, I pray for those longing for a child. I know those are some of the hardest moments.

Psalms 30:5 Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Indeed, joy did come with the morning. Not the literal morning, but it did come. He keeps His word.

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