Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Weird feelings.

I'm not even going to apologize for my disappearance, again. From here on out, things will be different. Hopefully. And this is why...

Yesterday marked my first day of a new direction in my life. It was my first day being unemployed with no promises or future jobs to look forward to.

This past Friday I said goodbye to the adorable family I have spent the last 16 months loving. The boys' carseats were removed from my car. The extra diapers I had floating around were safely deposited back in their diaper bag. And I drove off.

It hit me.

I have had some type of carseat in my car for the better half of the last 7 years. None because of our kids, obviously. All belonging to friends, family, or the children I was a nanny for. But the next time a carseat gets put in my car will be in the anticipation of bringing home our baby. It will not be removed, except temporarily. We will not say goodbye {oh please God willing} to this child 16 months to two years after it arrives like I have the last two nanny families I have worked for.

Although I already miss those precious boys and their smiles, hugs, and laughs I am thankful for this forced three month ish break before our baby arrives. I have spent years changing other kids diapers for work. I have sung to, played with, read to, bounced, and loved other peoples kids for years. I have been a caregiver for years yet I feel so unready for our baby to arrive. To have this little break as an adjustment period to get ready for our baby has been much appreciated and needed.

To think though that the next time I change a diaper it will be our little one looking at me wanting me to hurry up. Just to think of my daily routine I had caring for the boys, and so many other kids in the past, will next be done in the daily caring for our baby. No one will be coming to pick up the baby at 4pm to relieve me to a quiet night at home with my husband. No one to call informing them I'm sick and unable to care for their kids that day. No checks to cash at the end of the week for all the hard work I did.

It's starting to really hit me. It's weird. Weird feelings that leave me excited and petrified at the same time. I keep telling myself it's all normal though. Even for those that have zero baby time under their belts. I tell myself it's okay to forget everything I've ever learned in my years of caring for kids. I'm going to be a typical first time mom and freak about everything. And that weirds me out too. Over the years I've learned to relax and that makes being around kids so much more fun!

So again. It's just weird. Weirdness that I will take any day of the week. But for now, I must go and do my housewife duties. That's been weird too. But for another post. :-)


Anonymous said...

I totally know how you feel about suddenly being "unemployed" its a different world! But just so you know, the time FLIES!! Next think you know you will have less than 100 days until baby comes, and then it will become all too real!!

Keep your head up!!

Jessica said...

I'm sure you will miss those boys...I hate leaving my families too!!

You are leaving because you are about to be a mom...that is SO exciting. I know this must feel so weird after waiting for 4 years, but its FINALLY your time!! YEA!!!

mom said...

While I babysat tons from the time I was 12 until I had Matthew, I never had the intensity of taking care of others children like you have. I am sure it is a weird and odd feeling. Just being around A & N for a few times I fell in love with them, they ARE adorable. I can only imagine it is a heartbreaking time for you right along with an exciting time too. Soon the stains on your car seats, the toys floating around in the car and house, diapers, burp cloths... all those wonderful baby reminders WILL be for BeBe!