Sunday, May 9, 2010

Survivors Guilt

My thoughts are compiled today, on Mother's Day, while talking with my mom wishing her a wonderful day and talks of seeing each other soon...

I have received many "Happy First Mother's Day" wishes from family and friends. While I believe these are good thoughts, I feel guilty for accepting them. Heck. Even after leaving TJ Maxx this last week I was wished "Happy Mother's Day" and immediately the feelings of hurt that I was not a mother came flooding to me. As I walked outside it dawned on me that those feelings were like my knee jerk response for so long. I don't know how it not to be... We did our usual avoidance of church today as well, and will probably on Father's Day like usual too. The wounds infertility brings are still so fresh.

And then my mom expressed what I knew but is so hard to get others to understand. I feel guilty. How ironic but the same exact "Why me?" questions I asked God before getting pregnant I was throwing right back at Him, while pregnant...

So many women out there longing for their child on this "Mother's Day" celebration. So many that would die to hear the words, "I love you mom". So many couples that have spent thousands upon thousands for the best chance possible in having their dreams of parenthood become a reality. So many tears shed. So many dreams broken. So many relationships lost.

I don't feel like I fit in with other moms just yet {I know I am a mom. From the moment of conception I believe we become mothers. It's just so difficult to hear other's verbalize this to me.} but I am no longer shedding tears with a broken heart to have our dreams come true either.

My heart goes out to each and every women I know that is longing for her child today. My heart cries for you as you put on a smile and go about today celebrating with other Mothers you know. Because that's what we do.

I never expected the amount of emotions to come when I finally did get pregnant. I never expected to feel guilty for being the one pregnant instead of the next women anxiously awaiting her child. I never expected my sorrow for infertility and the lives that it touches to be so strong, even while pregnant {although I never wanted it to go away, that's for sure}! I never expected the four years of longing for a child and the feelings felt to vanish with that positive pregnancy test but I also never expected pregnancy to be an opportunity for God to open my heart to infertility even more than when I myself was infertile.

So for you today, I want to celebrate you {those that are going thru Infertility only please} and your dedication and commitment to bringing your dreams to a reality!! At least 5 randomly selected comments I receive {addresses within the USA only please} I will send you a gift. A book. A "fertility" DVD. Pregnancy tests. "Fertility" socks. Something from me to you, specifically for you. Comments only until May 11 early CST AM will qualify!


Jessica said...

Happy Mother's Day to you. I'm sorry you are having these feelings of guilt. Please know that you deserve to be pregnant and I hope you find time to bask in the joy.

T said...

Oh sweetie! I wish from the day you saw that postive test you had nothing but hapiness! You are so sweet and compassionate and for that I know you will make such a wonderful mother.
I hope that you did have a fantastic mothers day. One without guilt and just pure joy!!

Lisa said...

Ya know, I was having some of those same thoughts yesterday...I don't know if I ever will REALLY enjoy Mother's Day because I understand how hard that day is for SO many people! And it will always be a hard day for so many can you enjoy a day like that when you know there are so many hurting? Stupid infertility ruins everything... :) But Happy Mother's Day to you! :)