Thursday, April 22, 2010

Frustrated with Fertiles

I know I'm not the only one either.......

I've been battling these feelings for sometime now, even before I learned I was pregnant. So many fertiles would complain about pregnancy. The aches and pains and nausea and inability to get comfortable. I, along with so many others, would give their right leg to experience just once what they were non stop complaining about! Now that I am pregnant, I find my frustrations even more passion filled with these same fertiles! Every complaint they speak of, I'm cherishing each and every moment.

I found myself talking with what seemed to be every fertile person I know this last week and when the talks of more kids came up, I could not help but get a little sad. I have subconsciously been cherishing and saddened by this pregnancy going by so quickly as I do not know if this will be my only pregnancy. Not necessarily my only child. It did take us over 4 years to get here... We do not know what the future holds at all. Fertile or not, you don't know. But I certainly do not want to miss a moment! Yet these darn fertiles talk about planning their next child and take no account what so ever at the possibility of it may not be so easy the next go around...

It frustrates me that I cannot be naive in what I always imagined would just happen, at least 4 times. It frustrates me that although they know our story, and secondary infertility DOES exist too people!, it's like they are invisible. It frustrates me when people tell me that since we got pregnant without intervention that we're "fixed". It frustrates me when people push aside my feelings of sadness that this pregnancy is going by so quickly and that it is expected and like I'm being crazy. I did wait 4 years to finally get here and it is flying by unlike those 4 years did! It frustrates me that I feel like these darn infertiles are still rubbing it in my face that they are indeed fertile and can plan exactly when their children will come to be while I try to stay in the present and not focused on what the future holds for us... Fertiles frustrate me!!!! I do not think I'll ever get over it to be honest!

10 comments:

squirrelgirl said...

You shouldn't feel guilty about your honesty. That's how you feel, so you should be able to share it on your own blog! I must confess to having been one of those smug fertiles initially, but I have a different perspective after the events of the past couple of years. Mother Nature sure knows how to make a person humble. So you go right on sharing your feelings - they are totally valid and don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Melissa said...

Don't feel guilty. As someone who is fertile to hear about infertiliy it makes me take a step back and reflect on how lucky I was and to think about the heartache of people who are struggling. People who never had to think about conceiving take for granted the journey of pregnancy. Enjoy every minute and I will remind all my pregnant friends when they complain of aches and pains how lucky they are to even be pregnant.

Lisa said...

Man, I didn't even think about those frustrations continuing (and in some way worsening) even during and after our own pregnancies (like the optimism for me? :) ). I could totally see how it would lead to the "How many more do you want" or "When will you have your next" discussions. Boo...

The Millers said...

Amen sista! I wish that you still did not feel this hurt and anger.

However, IF has brought me a lot of heartache and pain, but it has also made me a better person. I am more intuned to others pain. My marriage is stonger than it has ever been. Children are not just special, they are absolute miracles. Someday when I am holding my child in my arms I will appreciate and cherish every single breath.
That is something that the fertiles will never experience. For that I am greatful!

Becky said...

I know just how you feel! During my pregnancy, other pregnant women on the FF boards complained and complained and were OH SO READY for their pregnancy to be over, because of the aches and pains and OMG they were gaining weight, etc. I was like...are you kidding?! This is an amazing experience, and every time something hurt, I just remembered that soon enough, I'd finally have my little one. Or when the baby punched me in the cervix or kicked me in the ribs, I would think... Hey there! Glad you're doing good!
I don't understand how people can take it for granted or wish it to be over. For me, nausea and fatigue lasted until about 15 weeks - about 3 weeks after stopping progesterone supps. Weeks 15-34 were completely joyful and mostly pain free. You enjoy this pregnancy, no matter what comes! And just try to ignore the crazy people!

Ray and Chrissy said...

Pardon the book :)

Look, as a fellow IF sufferer I understand but, even though I "cherished" being pregnant, the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy were VERY difficult and I did complain, a lot. But just because I complained about it didn't mean I thought it to be any less awe inspiring or wonderful.

Maybe I'll be the lone voice of decent here but maybe you shouldn't be so hard on the fertiles of the world?

Pregnancy is not easy for everyone but I would venture to guess that each and every one of those "fertile myrtles" out there feels EXACTLY the same way you do about their baby-that despite the nausea, back pain, sleeplessness, constant doc appts and weight gain the experience of pregnancy is worth it.

With respect to the planning the next one. You see it from a different perspective and yes, unfortuantely, people are going to flippantly talk about having a second, third or even a forth baby without giving so much as a nod to the rest of us infertiles. Let's be honest we are a minority among women (despite our enormous presence on the internet and the communities we have built here).

And while secondary infertility exists I know few women give it much more than a passing thought. As well they shouldn't. I think had it not been for our unique perspective on infertility, in general, we would not either at least I hope we wouldn't.

And I respect your feelings on the subject at hand but I do hope you will search your heart and let go of the negative feelings you have for those "frustrating fertiles."

:)

mom said...

Thank you Chrissy, I agree that while I was miserable while pregnant, throwing up 24 hours a day, for 9 months, in and out of the hospital and catching every cold or virus that was within 100 miles... I STILL absolutely adored feeling that baby inside wiggling around, making my tummy flat on one side with a huge lump on the other. Having a foot in my ribcage for 8 months, feeling a kick in my bladder and making me pee in my pants. Even though I never had to "try" I still missed being pregnant. And I would absolutely go through the whole thing again to get that indescribable joy of holding the baby for the first time knowing it has grown in your tummy.

Anonymous said...

Oh boy Meg! You've obviously hit a sensitive spot. I agree wholeheartedly with you. And yes, secondary infertility does exist, I'm living proof. I was able to conceive many times. Sadly, I miscarried some babies, but I have 3 wonderful children here on earth with me. Now dh and I are struggling with secondary infertility. We've been unable to conceive in the past 10 years. I don't know what went wrong. I don't know what is different, all I know is that what once happened easily (conception), now doesn't happen at all.

As for having the "right" to complain- nope- I don't think we are given the "right" to thumb our nose at God's miracles. With the 3 children I do have, it was unbelievably rough. All 3 were high risk pregnancies, all 3 had complications. I've experience too many difficulties to list here, including a miracle surgery during my 2nd trimester with my first child (to remove a huge borderline malignant ovarian cyst, my right ovary, and tube). I've dealt with frightening pregnancy complications and even delivered 2 out of my 3 children prematurely and endured the struggles that accompied that. None of it was easy, but it was all a blessing. Yes, I know that sometimes it hurts, I know that sometimes we throw up, sometimes we ache, sometimes we can't sleep, sometimes our hair falls out, sometimes we hear frightening words like "malignancy" while lying on an operating table, sometimes we battle premature labor, sometimes we're exhausted, frankly, it boils down to the fact that often, it's NOT easy. But I don't believe we ever gain the "right" to complain. The reason that Meg and so many of us are disheartened to hear the complaining and flippant remarks is because it is evidence of the inner condition of the heart. "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (see Matthew 12:34- while you're there read verse 35 too for it's even more to the point). If we get into the habit of "downing" pregnancy, where does it end? We've all heard women speak ill of their children- "they're driving me crazy", "I can't wait until they're out of this stage", "Oh if their father would hurry home, I could take a break away from them"- it all amounts to speaking curses over your children. Words are powerful and they do reveal what's in our hearts. Our children pay attention to what we say and we hold the power to nurture or to injure with our words. It DOES matter and I think that Meg was just trying to remind everyone to think about that before speaking. Count your blessings- for tomorrow is not promised and you never know what the future holds.

Ray and Chrissy said...

Anon, I hope that wasn't directed towards me. If anything I know exactly how she feels.

And Meghan (and the rest of the ladies who have commented here) I hope you find peace with the fertile world because that's the world we live in for better or worse.

And I do wish people would be more understanding, think before they speak or be more in tune with the infertile community but I think we are asking a lot of the world if we do that.

Heather Dahlby said...

Hey -- I know how you feel. (I'm sure you are tired of hearing that from me!) But, look my situation . . . and know that it CAN happen! When I went in to my dr to confirm my pregnancy with Kate (after 2 years of trying for Meg and one miscarriage in between), he said, "Well, I think we've cured your infertility." MUSIC to my ears -- something I thought I'd NEVER hear. See -- it can happen. God makes things happen.

And I know how frusturating it can be to listen to people "plan" their pregnancies -- if only it were so easy for everyone. Taking for granted that it will happen so quickly or exactly the month they want to conceive. They just don't know, do they? (Not to say that I would wish infertility on anyone!) That's why we have our fellow 'infertiles' to lean on :)

Never let anyone tell you how to feel -- you have a right to feel exactly the way you do! Your pregnancy does not erase the challenges you've endured the past 4 years (but it sure is a happy ending, right?!). You are a kind hearted soul and will always feel so deeply for those who are going through what you know is such a tough experience.