Ugly Side.

This is a very difficult post for me. I half thought about posting it 'anonymously' but that wouldn't make sense as it's on my blog. Then of course, not posting it at all... But I want to be real and know in every aspect of Infertility, although the diagnosis may be different, we all have the same thoughts on some level and that you are not alone! This post is not hard because it's really emotional or anything but because it portrays the real me. The other side of me. The one I so like to keep hidden so I'm continued to be thought of as the 'goodie goodie girl'. If I've ever felt like I really put myself out there, this will certainly top it...

Infertility brings out the best and the worst of me...

Let's focus on the latter though.

I find myself being selfish, wanting others to focus on me. I sometimes think Infertility over rules all other discussions. I want to make people feel bad for me so they'll shut up about so and so's baby/pregnancy. I can dominate conversations by talking about infertility alone.

I find myself jealous. Jealous that others got pregnant the first try. Jealous that they have an easy pregnancy. Jealous that their belly is beautiful and round and amazing. Jealous that I cannot buy baby items without feeling a twinge of emptiness. Jealous that I do not have at least one child yet. Jealousy sometimes finds the best of me.

I find myself shutting people out. I have become ultra picky on who I share my real feelings with. {Although right now it is the world...} I push people away that I believe have the possibility of saying anything to me that will hurt my feelings. I have pushed so many people away that I can count on one hand who I really talk to.

I find that I am sometimes unable to see the positive in what I see to be a horrible situation. I cannot look at what is best for some else as I'm too busy sorting thru my own feelings on the situation. I am not sure what to do with my own feelings half the time!

I find it hard to be happy for others sometimes. When I learn of another pregnancy, even if they have struggled for awhile, it sometimes takes me awhile to come around and truly be joyful in their miracle at last. Don't get me started on those who it was an 'accident' or their first cycle trying...

I find myself getting pissed with my husband and wanting to blame him for our lack of child when I really know it is my body that is failing... I just am sick and tired of being the reason and want some relief sometimes. I've tried coming up with things {and he doesn't read all I do so I can really pull together crap to make him think it's true} to make him think it's his problem too just so I don't feel as defective.

I dread it when others inform me they are trying to conceive or planning to do so about X time frame. I automatically starting begging God to give us a baby before them...

I find myself not wanting to really give 'natural' cycles a try as I do not want to fall pregnant on a break cycle for I want to so shove in everyones' face that ever said I need to just 'relax' that it did take medical intervention for us to get pregnant and it wasn't for lack of 'relaxing'...

I sometimes wish I could rewind our entire Infertility journey and keep it all to ourselves. Not telling another soul... I sometimes wish it was still a secret between only Charles and myself as it was for the first 9 {what a coincidence} months. It's too late now, that's for sure! Plus, on a selfish note, I'm glad we have the support we do!

Infertility brings out the ugly side in me... Please tell me it's not just me either! I pray for God to give me a change of heart and when I'm diligent about it, I notice a difference. Sometimes I find myself not wanting to change for then I admit I was wrong. It's such a nasty place to be.

God please change my heart and attitude to be glorifying to you...