Monday, January 11, 2010

Ugly Side.

This is a very difficult post for me. I half thought about posting it 'anonymously' but that wouldn't make sense as it's on my blog. Then of course, not posting it at all... But I want to be real and know in every aspect of Infertility, although the diagnosis may be different, we all have the same thoughts on some level and that you are not alone! This post is not hard because it's really emotional or anything but because it portrays the real me. The other side of me. The one I so like to keep hidden so I'm continued to be thought of as the 'goodie goodie girl'. If I've ever felt like I really put myself out there, this will certainly top it...

Infertility brings out the best and the worst of me...

Let's focus on the latter though.

I find myself being selfish, wanting others to focus on me. I sometimes think Infertility over rules all other discussions. I want to make people feel bad for me so they'll shut up about so and so's baby/pregnancy. I can dominate conversations by talking about infertility alone.

I find myself jealous. Jealous that others got pregnant the first try. Jealous that they have an easy pregnancy. Jealous that their belly is beautiful and round and amazing. Jealous that I cannot buy baby items without feeling a twinge of emptiness. Jealous that I do not have at least one child yet. Jealousy sometimes finds the best of me.

I find myself shutting people out. I have become ultra picky on who I share my real feelings with. {Although right now it is the world...} I push people away that I believe have the possibility of saying anything to me that will hurt my feelings. I have pushed so many people away that I can count on one hand who I really talk to.

I find that I am sometimes unable to see the positive in what I see to be a horrible situation. I cannot look at what is best for some else as I'm too busy sorting thru my own feelings on the situation. I am not sure what to do with my own feelings half the time!

I find it hard to be happy for others sometimes. When I learn of another pregnancy, even if they have struggled for awhile, it sometimes takes me awhile to come around and truly be joyful in their miracle at last. Don't get me started on those who it was an 'accident' or their first cycle trying...

I find myself getting pissed with my husband and wanting to blame him for our lack of child when I really know it is my body that is failing... I just am sick and tired of being the reason and want some relief sometimes. I've tried coming up with things {and he doesn't read all I do so I can really pull together crap to make him think it's true} to make him think it's his problem too just so I don't feel as defective.

I dread it when others inform me they are trying to conceive or planning to do so about X time frame. I automatically starting begging God to give us a baby before them...

I find myself not wanting to really give 'natural' cycles a try as I do not want to fall pregnant on a break cycle for I want to so shove in everyones' face that ever said I need to just 'relax' that it did take medical intervention for us to get pregnant and it wasn't for lack of 'relaxing'...

I sometimes wish I could rewind our entire Infertility journey and keep it all to ourselves. Not telling another soul... I sometimes wish it was still a secret between only Charles and myself as it was for the first 9 {what a coincidence} months. It's too late now, that's for sure! Plus, on a selfish note, I'm glad we have the support we do!

Infertility brings out the ugly side in me... Please tell me it's not just me either! I pray for God to give me a change of heart and when I'm diligent about it, I notice a difference. Sometimes I find myself not wanting to change for then I admit I was wrong. It's such a nasty place to be.

God please change my heart and attitude to be glorifying to you...

7 comments:

Jessica said...

You are not alone. I feel many of the same things. Infertility makes us bitter sometimes, and I think that is totally normal.

I sent you an e-mail too, before I read this post.

Melis.sa said...

two things 1. i got pg my first cycle trying 2. i have a little one.

Even though those two things are true about me I have felt many of the same things you said above and then i feel like a gigantic jerk because God was good and gave me my daughter.

and then i've had two miscarriages which makes me wonder...and then all of the issues i know i now have..

IF is horrible and I wish no one ever had to deal with and i'm tired of all of the good and loving people i know not being able to have children while a lot of jerks succeed and quite often

I think it takes great courage to be honest. I also think sometimes it's important to take care of yourself when you know that you're struggling. I've always thought how kind and generous you seem from reading your blog and this post does nothing to change my opinion of that.

{{HUGS}}

Emily B said...

You're definitely not alone. I have felt all of those things and more. It's simply not fair or right and there's no logic to it, that some of us have to struggle while others don't.

Here's hoping that in the end our dreams come true, and I guess what we have to go through for that to happen will make us all the more thankful.

Meanwhile... it's normal to be angry and sad and even jealous. We have a really good reason.
*hugs*

The Swann's said...

Thanks gals! Maybe I should work on a post with all the good Infertility brings out in me... :-) And not compare the length of the two. haha!

Melissa, I love that you stated those two tings up front. I can't hate you though. I tried. hahah! :-)

I admit, I'm so very glad the WWW has connected me to you ladies {and others too!} as it's been nothing but a blessing having such great support and encouragement when you need it the most!!!

Becky said...

SO not alone. I felt a lot of the same things. and while I do NOT advocate that "relaxing" is what will work, I must say that 3 of my 4 pregnancies occurred when I was NOT expecting them to (1.) accident, 2.) had given up hope, 3.) expected it to take sooooo so much longer and was completely not even thinking or worrying about it.) I did not spend NEARLY as long as you have between any of my pregnancies, but the difficulty of PCOS and then having them fail gave me the same mindset. It's easy to just want people to feel bad for you. Misery loves company. Anyway. I feel you, girl. Your posts often bring tears to my eyes and I wish nothing more than to be able to give you some REAL kind of magical baby dust. If only.

Lisa said...

I completely agree with you on almost every "ugly" thing that you mentioned. I hate all those emotions and feelings! They are so ugly! The sermon at church this past Sunday was extremely convicting along the lines of holding grudges against those fertiles around us (especially the ones that "accidentally" got pregnant).

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

He talked about these "dangerous emotions". How God desires us to be filled with love, joy, peace, not bitterness and resentment. He said that it is an insult to the Holy Spirit when we harbor these emotions because if our life is completely given over to Him, He can get rid of these feelings. The Spirit of God should be controlling my emotions and actions. It is our flesh that is holding on to them...

So true...and so hard to fully let the Spirit control me and my crazy ugly emotions!

TwoDogMama said...

You are so not alone with this post, but most people won't go as far as you do and admit it. I'll fully admit that on some days I'm really p.o. about my entire situation. Do I think adopting a baby is going to solve it? No. Am I angry at all the idiots I see get pregnant, the dumb students I have that are pregnant, and so on? Your damn right I am. Will I ever get over it? Probably not truly. I'll move past it and let it go, but will I ever be over it? I don't think so. Each day it gets a bit better, but some days are better than others. :) I too also relish the support I have found online. It has been a godsend.