Saturday, January 9, 2010

On this day, Four Years ago

Monday, January 9, 2006

Four years ago today...

It began like any other day. Charles and I worked. We had been married for 2 years and just over 4 months. We had dinner. Played with Jack and Jill. We were living in our first house we purchased just a few months prior to. With that extra bedroom, our third bedroom, we had already decided it would be the nursery. Walking thru every house we looked at, we picked out which room was to be the nursery. We wanted to bring home at least our first child to this house. Our first house.

Ultimately, this day was the day it ended. The day I would no longer endure any more of the horrid side effects thanks to the many birth control pills. {Please do not tell me I am the only person to experience such horrid side effects from every single birth control pill I tried!?!?} No longer did we have to worry about condoms or buying latex free {I'm allergic. Nice huh?}. No longer did I have to set the clock to take the pill at the same time every day {or so I thought...}. No longer did I have to think of my dream of becoming a mommy a reality that was far off into the future. I had been on numerous birth control pills and today would be the day it all ended!

I had just had my period {it started on January 2} and the side effects had done me in. I was crying. I was frustrated. I was anything but happy to take another dag gum birth control pill before bed!

Then we had the talk.

Let's have a baby!

{Those 2 years and four months prior to this date that we'd been married, I had already taken numerous home pregnancy tests feeling like I was pregnant thanks to lovely side effects! I would cry thinking about being pregnant but then I would cry when it continuously came up negative. I was a complete wreck!}

Going to bed that night, I'll never forget the feeling I had of skipping the birth control pill and instead, throwing the whole packet {and the extras I had} in the trash! Laying in bed thinking of what the future would hold for us, for our hopeful expanding family. Even today, reverting back to that feeling I get all giddy again inside and want to have that naive ness back.

Never in a million years did I think it would take 4 years {and counting} for us to conceive. I had a feeling it would not come immediately but years? Nah.

Here we sit. Four years to the day that we threw away every remaining packet of birth control and decided it was now or never {hahhaa} to start growing our family. I picked up a couple of books on checking your fertility signs {Cervical position, cervical mucus} and begin trying to figure out my body after birth control pills. That's another amusing story all in itself.

I have learned a lot over the last four years...

It may only take one egg and one sperm to make a baby but finding that one egg and one sperm is like finding a needle in a haystack! Nearly impossible it seems!

I have learned that Charles and I may have struggles and have to fight for what we want but we're a darn good team!

I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I once thought, only by the grace of God though. I never would have thought I would still be standing after watching so many people {both in my book as deserving and undeserving} bring home child -after child- while we still are with empty arms.

I have learned that without my faith, I would be locked up in some padded room afar.

I have learned that life is given and taken away. To treasure each and every moment given as we are not guaranteed tomorrow... I hope to remember this the next time I see a positive pregnancy test and not immediately become overthrown with worry.

I have learned that you can love someone so much your heart aches and yet have never even met them.

I have learned that our support system is vital to our sanity remaining intact.

I have learned that it does not always take one male and one female to make a baby... Numerous doctors, nurses, embryologists, lab techs, insurance companies, etc. are involved in the process as well.

True friends are there thru it all. They endure the hormonal roller coaster right along side you. They ask how you are doing and really want to hear. They grieve with each failed cycle right along side you. Although they may become mommy's themselves along the years, they are still there for you thru it all.

I have learned that this is our story. One that will be shared for many years to come. One that we hope God will use so we can at least feel as though we did not go thru this for nothing.

Two of the most important things I've learned though?

I now have a better grasp on my 'to cry' or 'not to cry' switch. Most of the time, I can tell our story without tears overcoming me. I've also learned to use this in other areas of my life. I'm a crier. I cry. I hate crying. You look at ugly and your face turns red and your nose runs and you can't talk. It's not fun. So this has been good. :-)

I have yet to meet an infertile that is not already a wonderful mother! The hearts of fellow infertiles are so big, so welcoming. They genuinely care. For now on, the first question I ask anyone that's a potential 'friend' is if they are infertile or know what it's like to want a child that you cannot just snap your fingers to get. If the answer is no, I shun them. {Not really. I don't even ask this question to be honest.} I admire other infertiles and believe them to be my role model.

It is by these women that I meet that my passion for Lost Stork Foundation grows so much more! They deserve to have that chance to become the parents they desire to be. Money does not stand in the way for countless other women who get pregnant and feed off the government systems or cannot afford their babies so why should a wanting couple have to push their dreams aside because they cannot afford to slap down $20,000 in one lump sum?

In one way I am grateful for the last Four years and in another, I would erase it all to have our baby already. I have read and been told over and over again that no matter how long you struggle to finally bring home your baby, it is forgotten the moment you look into their sweet little face. I grasp onto this as we take one day at a time and {hopefully} reach the five year mark holding our baby.

So today I will make a cake {and devour it myself} and reflect on the last Four Years and what the next Four Years will {hopefully} hold for us {a baby or few please!}...

4 comments: said...

{{HUGS}} I pray that you can a have a positive test and a little one this YEAR!!

I remember those feelings, those early, hopeful, this is it, no more birth control....*SIGH*

squirrelgirl said...

Oh, the frustrations you've endured... But you've found many silver linings, too! Look at all the things you've learned, and all the growing you've done. Hopefully, you'll soon be done with this phase and can start learning all about pregnancy and parenthood. Hugs and Babydust!

TwoDogMama said...

I agree with squirrelgirl, Meaghan -think about how much you have grown and the things you have learned. I know it totally sucks to be in that position, but then you will be so much more appreciative when you become a mom. Enjoy your cake!

Lisa said...

Great post. I think it's so important that we look at the "positives" and what we have learned through it all. The Lord doesn't waste a hurt, so what is He doing in our lives? What is the purpose of this infertility? Why is He allowing it?

I too have learned and grown so much through this journey. Although...I feel like I have maxed out on my learning. :) Now it's time to end the infertility... :)