Thursday, October 29, 2009

To Dance in the Rain.

I can't. My raincoat is here. My rainshoes are ready. I can't do it.

While it is raining and raining tons more outside our front door, my heart feels gloomy as well and my eyes have mimicked the rain with the floods of tears shed today.

I am so torn. So upset. Deep pits in my stomach exist now. My hands are tied though. Nothing I can do. I can try, but no guarantee anything will happen. I wish I could just pause life right now and only play what I can emotionally handle. This all at once is not what I can handle!

I came to do some catch up on blogs so I checked my dashboard with all the recent posts of the blogs I follow, posted. I saw a particular blog, "Walking the Journey", listed for the last like 10 places. {This was weird as I started following her blog over a week ago and all the posts were old!} I started reading. I did not have to go far when I came across this post and the tears started, again. I had read this post several days ago and thought it was beautiful. Not until today did it really have any meaning to me.

"Do you trust Me?"

I want to yell "YES" but it is oh so hard!!! By saying Yes, I open my heart up for continued heartbreak that I just do not know if I can handle. I do not know how much more hurt and heartache I can take before I completely break. Unfortunately, this is more than our personal struggle with Infertility. It is so much more. My emotional tank is about empty and I do not know how to refill it...

How much longer can I continue to put on the happy face that I perfected during my parents divorce as I was unsure of my feelings so why should I share with others what I did not know? People look at me and see that I am "okay" when inside I just want to scream and cry and yell at the top of my lungs!

When will I learn to "Dance in the Rain" and trust 100% in my Heavenly Father's plan for my life?

I just feel so worn out. So beat down. So empty.

Boy am I glad my mom is coming tomorrow morning for a couple of days... I really need some mom time! To get that hug only mom's can give and feel as though the world is well. I don't think I'll ever outgrow this wonderful gift.

6 comments: said...

I hope the visit with your mom gives you some strength and hope ((HUG))

Jessica said...

I found myself putting a smile on my face even though I was miserable inside. I hope you don't have to put on an act when your mom is visiting and you can relax and have a good time with her. Enjoy your weekend.

Traci said...

You are not alone. I understand the pasted on happy face all to well. I'm here if you need to vent. Enjoy your time with your Mom. I'm sure it will refill your emotional tanks.

Cathy said...

Thinking of you Meghan. And I'm sending true, honest hugs your way. Your post has made my heart so sad, but I know - just know - that God has great plans in store for your family. Sometimes we need to let others trust in that for us, until we can muster up the strength again. At least that is how I often found it to be. I'd love to get together with you next weekend and will call you towards the beginning of next week to iron out the details. (Sorry I wasn't able to return your call last night, as I didn't get home until after 10.) I really, really hope you enjoy these next few days with your mom. I'll be praying for you!! ~Cathy

squirrelgirl said...

{{{HUGS}}} At least once, I think we've all pasted on a smiley face to get through a tough time - so we know how you feel (even if the cause is different). I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed, and I hope the next few days with your mom gives you the emotional and physical break the you need right now. {{{more hugs}}}

Amanda said...

I can think of a million things to say to give you advice... but the most important thing I can tell you is this.

I am praying for you.