Monday, October 12, 2009

Pregnancy. {Or lack there of}

New rules. Okay. Not really 'rules' per say. Just the thoughts that I have finally come to terms with.

3 years 9 months and 3 days since we decided to have a baby...

{Ya know. We should have had like three by now for goodness sake!}

I have finally pinpointed what it is that really bothers me when others announce they are pregnant. Maybe I should clarify this too. I am not bothered when others announce they are expecting a miracle, no. I am jealous. I want to be comparing feelings right along side them..

Back to the realization.

My life motto has become, "A baby is a blessing no matter the circumstance..." And that sentence goes on to say "either in their life or someone else's". A baby is always a blessing. A blessing for the genetic mother and/or the mother who has decided to adopt the baby. Regardless. Always. A. Blessing.

In my drudgery of hearing of the latest announcements from various family and friends of their wonderful news that a baby will be joining their families, I automatically dread one thing.

The belly.

I love {yet oh so hate!} growing bellies... It is one of the most beautiful images ever yet it sends a pain straight to my heart as it only indicates one thing, the one thing I so long for yet is out of my reach. These growing bellies are a constant reminder of how my body has failed me over and over and over and over again. Regardless of what I seem to do, my body does not want to cooperate as millions of women's bodies have before me.

On the other hand, actually seeing a newborn and being around babies gives me great hope and joy! I love cuddling a new baby. Their smell. One so unique and so pure. Watching them squint to open their eyes and make sense of their new surroundings. I love the wrinkled skin and curled up fingers and those little feet. I love watching these babies blossom into their own individual personalities, day by day.

The only sense I can make of this latest realization is that I may not ever experience the first kick or look at my body to wonder how in the world it will ever return to normal again...

I do know though that I will hold my baby and enjoy all the things that every other new mommy does {including sleepless nights} and this gives me great hope and joy!

6 comments:

Rain Child said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you, it gave me a moment to think about how I feel when others announce a pregnancy.

Melis.sa said...

i'm getting very anxious knowing that i will be staying for a week by my in-laws with a very pregnant SIL who i already dislike. gah.

I am okay with newborns, except the ones that are born around either of my edd's from the miscarriages.

i wish some of this stuff was easier...

((HUGS))

Kelli said...

Hold on to that hope!! Thinking of you... (((HUGS)))

Jessica said...

I feel the same way. I am very jealous of pregnant bellies and it makes me sad sometimes to see all these pregnant women walking around. I don't feel the same way when I look at a baby...in some strange way they make my heart smile, even though I want one of my own SO bad!! You are not alone!!

Michele said...

Dont let go of the hope!!! It will get you through the tough spots until you CAN hold your baby in your arms.

Lisa said...

I agree...babies are ALWAYS a blessing. It is just so hard to see that when others are having them and I am not! Bellies are hard...very hard...