Sunday, April 12, 2009

So far. So good. But it's still morning...

It hit me yesterday. Hard. The hormones. Yesterday was the first day I really felt the hormonal affect. I did not like me yesterday...

It all started actually on Saturday evening. Charles and I were bickering and well, it continued onto yesterday... So the day did not start out too well. I woke up, saw that I did not get a text message saying he was at work safe and sound as he does everyday. I knew it was not a "forgotten" thing but intentional. My heart broke. It was the first clue that today was going to be a bad day and who knows how long we would go without talking... I HATE fighting with him. Hate it!

I did some straightening up around the house. Ate breakfast. Read my e-mail. Found out a dear friend is pregnant! I'm so very excited for them and am praying for a Sticky and healthy bean this go around! Oh, how I want to be pregnant and share the experience with her... My heart also sank for myself. If we're not pregnant this cycle, it will be just one more pregnancy that I have watched from beginning to birth and then will have the yearly birthday reminders that we're still, chidless. It's such a double edged sword! On one hand I'm jumping up and down for them and the other crying for myself...

Moving onwards, if possible.

I went to the Eye Dr. for my yearly (okay, 14 monthly exam) eye exam. I opted to have the photo taken of the back of my eye to check for early signs of Glaucoma, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Tumor, etc. My Rx has stayed the same with my eyes, so that is good. She did mention that my right eye's Retina thing is normal where they measure what she called a dip. The left eye has no dip she was referring to on the right eye. Said this could be due to several factors but the one that she believes would be the most obvious occurs only in women and is due to hormonal thearpies such as Birth Control Pills, Hormone Replacement Therapy, and the Fertility Meds used to get pregnant. If this is the case, it is "fixed" with a pill. Not sure the details on this though. Oh, I wish I would have gotten specifics!!!! I can't even find anything on google to help me out with it! :-( But if this is the case, this will be our last cycle we use hormones to get pregnant.

She said it could also be something I was just born with and it's normal for me. Which is exactly why come Monday I am calling my previous eye Dr. in Georgia whom I LOVED and asking for clarification on this and to have my records sent over for comparison. Also it was told that this could be due to pressure given by a tumor... But she seemed to think that if it is something recently developed that it is the one related to hormones.

I called my mom. Who else since Charles and I were not speaking... My mom kindly reminded me that although it is real how I feel, it is also drastically increased thanks to the hormones. I know this. I just cannot rationalize what hormones are normal and what are the exaggrated ones. Oh, if only I could... But she just listened to me and was encouraging where appropriate and just an ear where appropriate... Thanks mom!

I was very angry at God. I told Him that I was done being tested, if this is what indeed was happening. I know if we are not pregnant this cycle that I do not know how I will survive the month of May. That if us not being pregnant this cycle is part of my testimony that I did not want it. I did not want to execute faith any longer. I was done. I did not stop trusting Him or believing in Him. I, my human nature, was at a breaking point. I did not think I had enough faith to continue on even one cycle longer. I told God that my limit is up. He promises to only take us thru what we can handle, no more. I told him that I'm there. My limit. is. UP. I sobbed. I questioned why, why, why??? Why must that third baby go to someone who doesn't even want their first two?? Why must I sit back and watch and wait while I get "lapped"??? Why is this so difficult for us?? How long must my heart continue to break??? How long must I dream of my baby instead of hold my baby??? How much of the heartache can I really take???

Charles gets home from work. He takes a nap. (Still not speaking more than the "hi" "good" "fine" "your welcome" phrases.) We go to Easter Service at Morning Star Church. The title of the sermon, "It just got Personal". We sit. We wait for service to start. Two rows in front of us (really one as the row directly in front of us was empty!) sat two couples. Both with adorable baby girls not more than 5 months old each. Of course. What a way to start the service... One of the songs we sang said, "You can move the mountains" and I was reminded of the "Don't Get Comfortable" song my mom was spoken thru for me...

As the service goes on, the pastor shared their story on how into four years of trying for their baby, his stepson asked to go live with his dad. His wife would just cry out to God asking why... WHY???? Why cannot we get pregnant? Why is my son asking to go live elsewhere? Why is this happening??? Let's just put this nicely and say this is where the floods began... I just experienced this a few hours earlier yet here I was experiencing it all over again and next to my husband, whom I had not spoken to hardly within the last 24 hours. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me sobbing... Trembling. At my ugliest.

Instead. It was a moment that brought us together. Charles knew what he needed to do. He just put his arm around me and held me. I cried and I'm sure was rather distracting for those around us. Then on the video another lady shared how they tried for so long to get pregnant and it was then accepted that God did not intend for her to birth babies from her body. I am rather surprised I even heard this thru my sobbing. Ultra sobbing. Stupid hormones!

And the toppers of all toppers... Just as I finish crying the end prayers occur and then they say let's sing one more song together on how it's such a Happy Day! Yep. I could only keep back the tears for the first liners. Why? Well, you see. This is the ring tone I hear every time my mom calls and only when my mom calls. It was the song she requested be her ring tone so I know it is her... Cried. Cried. And cried a ton more!

After service we met up momentraily with Cathy and Jay and again, at my ugliest but she gets it so it was okay. I just wish I was in better spirits and thus would have enjoyed getting together afterwards....

Instead, we headed home where I went directly to the bedroom, thankfully alone, and took out my contacts for fear of loosing them in the midst of the tears, and just layed on the bed and sobbed my heart out. I was crying over EVERYTHING! It just felt good though to let it all out. I cried for Charles and I needed no words nor reminders about our tat we'd been having but the barrier was now gone. I talked to God and told Him I will still trust and have faith in His will for my life even if this cycle is not the one where we are blessed with our long awaited and desired baby. I bore my heart and asked for forgiveness...

I was thankful for my time alone to cry for about an hour and then Charles came upstairs and was just there for me. He held me. I cried. We talked. I cried. We slept... I had a nightmare. Woke up startled. Prayed. Drifted back to sleep, peacefully.

I awoke this morning to a text message that Charles made it to work alright and that he loves me... Today is going to be a better day. The Lord has RISEN!!!!!!!!!!

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