Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm alive... So it seems.

Morning my friends! It's been one heck of a last few days... Unfortunately, I'm getting ready to head to care for two beautiful baby boys so I'll have to go into details later. I really just wanted to say that I AM still alive, although sometimes the Progesterone side effects get some intense that I feel as though I am sleep living thru my life. It's been fun.

As far as this cycle goes... Let's just say that I'm not feeling too optimistic and am trying to prepare myself for the best coping mechanism to get thru the month of May... Should I hide under a rock? Should I become a kickboxing guru again? Should I work 24/7? Should I just sit back, mourn my loss as everyone else is celebrating their gains, and throw a gigantic pity party?
Yes, you see. None of those options are pretty. They are all sad. They all suck. They will all probably happen if I'm honest with myself. Why is May so significant? Well, let me try to explain...

May 10 is Mother's Day. If this one is not obvious, please, tell me and I will explain.

May 15, my SIL is scheduled to give birth to her baby girl. The one whom I love dearly, yet it is so a two sided sword that goes deep into my heart. You see, they tried ONE CYCLE. NOT fair! Yes, ONE CYCLE to get pregnant. They were one of the very lucky couples who didn't have to endure the first heartache to get their baby girl. She will never understand, if even for a moment, what I have endured. I am thankful for this. Really. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! It just is really frustrating, in a very selfish light, that I STILL am not pregnant and this is just a lovely reminder. I will watch this baby girl grow up and each and every birthday will be another yearly reminder... We had tried for YEARS prior to their first successful cycle trying. Not fair. I have prayed that I am at least pregnant when she gives birth... Nope. Not happening either. Not fair. Not to mention it pains me how I found out...

You see. I got a TEXT MESSAGE from my lovely husband at the very first Infertility Support Group I faciliate saying, "Kim's pregnant???" Yep. That's what it said. I knew they tried that cycle. I think I rather encouraged the trying... So while I am sitting in a room full of girls, that happened to also meet for the first time on my Mom's Birthday (that's a lovely reminder...), who all long and ache for a baby so bad I get this news. Let's just say that it took awhile to digest it all... Many tears have been shed. I am very excited for them and I cannot wait to meet this baby girl! It is such a horrible two sided sword... Yet, I know that each and every child is a miracle and a blessing and this is what keeps me encouraged.

And lastly. May 30 is my big 2-5 birthday. As long as I can remember, this has been my ' magic number ' in my head of when I would have my first child by. It just seemed right. When the last cycle came and went where I could have had my baby before my 25 birthday, I cried. Then I accepted solely just being pregnant ON my birthday. That was okay too. Nope. Not happening either. Not only will I be childless on this day, my mom and Ray will be here to 'celebrate' with me a day where instead of 'celebrating' I will be mourning... I don't want to celebrate. I don't want my birthday to come. I don't want cake. Or presents. Or any reminders that it is my birthday. Instead I want a baby. I want MY baby. I want my baby made with love (and unfortunately and fortunately the help of medical science). I just want my baby... So please. I ask that no birthday wishes this year be given. No reminders. It's so childish but it's how I feel.

And these are the reasons why I dread so much May... The only way I will make it thru is by finding and taking comfort in Jesus. By crawling up into my Heavenly daddy's lap and letting my heart let it all go. Giving it all to Him. Taking the time to mourn my loss but remembering to celebrate for others, as difficult as it may be.

This is also a very difficult cycle as this is the first real cycle Charles has fully invested his heart into. He is going thru the emotions for the first time that I have gone thru over, and over, and over, and over, and over again (38 cycles to be exact). I hate seeing him like this... I so desire to make him a dady... I want to see him with his son or daughter. Teaching them silly things and being a proud daddy when the children want to be like him...

So many marriages are broken up my the struggle of Infertility. It is a continuous loss. One that is mourned with each failed cycle. I am so thankful that Charles and I have not only stayed together throughout this but that we have grown together. Our marriage is stronger now than ever before... Praise God for this!

And now, I must be off to go care for my two reminders that miracles do happen and Infertility can be beat, when God says it is now our turn... Such a blessing my N and A are!!!!!!


Annie Kates said...

Megs- My heart truly breaks for you. I know the hurt you are going through, and even though I just made it to the other side, I will always remember that pain. It is a long, tough road and not knowing when your baby(ies) will arrive is the hardest part. I can understand the pain of this month for you. I had aspirations of being pregnant with my sister, I had a "magic" age that I wanted to be a mommy by, when those times pass you and you are still left without a baby or pregnant, it kills you. I just want you to know that it's okay to feel upset, to wallow in misery, to be envious and jealous when everyone else around you has what you want. It's natural. It's human. Especially in the world of infertility. It will be the hardest thing that we have ever endured. I know you will make it through, and you and Charles will be stronger for having gone through it. Just trust in the Lord, no matter how hard it seems. He knows what's in your heart, and He hears your prayers.

Sassy said...

I know what you mean. I'm putting all my blogs together into one place at the moment and remembering how when I was 21 and ttc I really hoped I'd have my first kid by the time I was 23 and that I wanted to have finished having kids by the time I was 25.

I turned 25 in February and it's not a nice feeling to pass another marker for the life I wanted to have.

I hope May is gentle on you and you can make some time to treat yourself. I'm glad you have your faith and your husband to support you.

squirrelgirl said...

{hugs} I'm so sorry that you're struggling with all that. But we'll be here to help you through it.