Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Blubbering Holiday Mess. Me. Who else?

Merry Christmas Eve blogging world!

If you wish for a cheery blog, stop there.

If you wish for real me, continue reading.

I first must start off on yesterday. It was a rough day. I was SO very pissy at the world. The guys (yes, I work at a major home improvement store so 97% of my co-workers are guys) I work with were commenting on my witchy-ness. I really didn't think I was being that pissy. The day goes on. I feel like I can cry at a single drop of a pin. I talk to some insensitive people (or at least I felt they were insensitive) and life goes on. I made about 20 pounds of Chicken Tetrazini for Charles to take to work as promised for his co-workers. I was insensitive towards a fellow TTC'er and later felt really bad about it that I had to call and apologize. It was totally hormonal!

This morning I awaken to find out that I am officially starting a new cycle. It then all made sense... I was totally PMS'ing! The world makes sense, for a moment at least.

I was eating my breakfast while reading up on some blogs and Charles came down. I let it all go. I bawled my eyes out (only about 45 minutes before I'm to be at work but who cares that my eyes were going to be all puffy and red and swollen for all the world to see). I told him that it's another failed cycle. He kindly pointed out that we didn't try this cycle. I quickly responded with "How is one to try if one doesn't even ovulate!" I cried at the thought of not being the first to make my parents grand parents... I really was hoping that since we're not TRYING to get pregnant that it wouldn't hurt so bad. I almost feel as though it hurts worse. I mean, it's just another slap in the face that trying or not, I'm not pregnant. To think that that egg that's now gone could very well have been one good one that would have bloosomed into a beautiful thriving baby to call ours! I feel as though that now that we are not actively trying that everyone expects me to not have any feelings. To just turn off that switch. To continue to be the ultimate support for everyone else and their growing babies and pregnancies yet no one for me to call and let it all out on...

Off to work i go... It's going to be a fantastic day! (Feel the sarcasm??) It's only Christmas Eve and one install all day today. The store was dead. I mean, we did have one "rush" if you so to call it that but for the most part, dead. I did, however, learn a lot about fellow co-workers. :-)

Charles and I were both able to leave a bit early and we went to Christmas Eve Service at a church we have been to only twice previously. We really like it for two reasons. One, they have Saturday night services and well, that's what we need as Charles is working every single Sunday morning making it impossible to head to church. Secondly, their worship style is so what we enjoy and are used to. Yes, it is a lot like Crossroads in that aspect. (FYI- Crossroads Church is where I have attended the majority of my life. As in from 1991ish until 2008 when we moved away. Charles and I tried other churches but always ended up back at Crossroads.) Morning Star Church is a lot smaller though. It's about 1500 people that come through the doors on any given weekend. They have Community groups too which start up again in January that we're looking forward to being apart of! The worship is awsome. The pastor and sermons are ones that you can relate to. We're still checking it all out but so far, we're totally digging it!

Now, moving on... We go tonight after stopping at Jack In the Box to get dinner (along with a Pumpkin Pie Milkshake even though it is like 20 something degrees outside!). The songs were O Holy Night, Away in a Manger, and Amazing Grace (the Chains are Gone). Things were going great... Until they played Away in a Manger. All I could think of was my mom and missing my family. (I can't even write this without darn tears!) Right about then I get a little nudge from Charles as his way of saying, "it's your song" and him thinking what I was thinking. I bawled... More so than this mornings episode!!!! Yes, I'm totally hormonal. And the tears went on throughout the entire stinking song! And then I composed again and all was well. They even had everyone get a candle and at the end we all stood and sang Silent Night with the candles lit. It was beautiful.

As we are alone this Christmas, I can only imagine, hope and dream that next Christmas we'll have a baby of our own to love and start new traditions with. Until then, if you noticed I changed the name of our blog, we are learning to live as a family of Two. Two people that so desire and long to become parents. To write out the desired Dear Santa list on Thanksgiving that was a fond tradition started by my Pops. To hear their sweet little voice sing their favorite Christmas carol over and over and over again so out of pitch it's adorable. To decoate the house and tree with, even to have all the ornaments clumped into one spot on the tree. To make a Happy Birthday Jesus cake on Christmas Eve and celebrate Jesus' birthday as this tradition was started by Charles' parents. To make cookies with for Santa to eat while putting their presents under the tree. To wake us up early Christmas morning to see what Santa left in their stocking and eventually run to open up the presents under the tree. To drive around looking at Christmas lights ooooohhhhhh and aaaaaawwwwwing and every house. And to create our own traditions that they look annoyingly forward to each and every year...

That is my Christmas Wish. And for now, I blame all this on my total hormonal blubbering PMS'ing self!


squirrelgirl said...

{hugs} You're not alone; lots of us are thinking about you. Just because we can't be there in person doesn't mean we're not with you in spirit. And please know that anytime you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend, I'm available. You can contact me via e-mail and I'll give you my phone #s. I hope AF leaves you soon and lets your hormones get back to normal :-) Meanwhile, try to have a Merry Christmas.

mom said...

Nobody, not nobody sings Away in a Manger as well as you! Makes a mom's heart burst with pride.

Angie said...

I don't have the perfect words to say to make things better, just know that I understand how you are feeling. So many years of empty arms during the holidays took it's toll on my husband and I. We have our miracle this year, but he didn't come easily and it makes us cherish him that much more. You will be a mother and b/c of everything you've been though - you'll be so thankful and won't take the little things for granted. (((HUGS)))