Saturday, May 29, 2010

New Birthday Thoughts.

Tomorrow I will officially be 26. No longer half my dad's age, well, until I turn 50 and he 100. :-) The number that has haunted me for the four years it took us to get pregnant. I did not want to turn 25 without being a mommy but ultimately, I did not want to say goodbye to 25 without being a mommy...

Last year, I made a comment on gladly holding our baby in my womb and that I am! It feels different this year. I really feel indifferent about my birthday itself. This year it has not become another reminder on me getting older and closer to that 28 mark where fertility {is supposed to} first begins falling. This year, although I will be spending the majority of the day alone while Charles works, I will have baby {who has as of this week began to make him/herself known to me!} to keep me company as I veg out doing whatever I want. I am okay with this.

Perspectives have changed. Priorities have changed. Life has {already} changed! Everything seems so trivial now as long as baby, Charles, and I are great! :-) Things that once would stress us out just fall to the floor like a feather as they do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm loving this new relaxed life we are leading and hope it stays once baby does come!

So tomorrow, I will make the Stouffer's Lasagna and Mrs. Smith's Cherry Pie with vanilla ice cream that I was craving earlier this week in hopes of it still tasting good {and hopefully the ice cream won't torment my tummy} and staying down for the day! :-)

Happy 26th Birthday to Me {tomorrow}!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Pregnancy Update...

As the title gives, this is a post to update those of you who have persistently asked how my pregnancy is going and baby Swann is doing. You're so sweet to do so!

Today I am 14w 5d and feeling {majority of the time} great! Nausea still hits occasionally and still mostly late afternoon/early evening time frame. How convenient huh? Can't cook dinner. haha! Charles has been absolutely fantastic in picking up the slack with dinner and cleaning and stays on me to make sure I'm keeping hydrated and not doing too much. When I start feeling sick, he'll rub my back and massage my neck just how he knows I like it. :-) Makes me fall in love all over again!

To be honest, other than the nausea occasionally, I really still do not feel pregnant. I had one and a half days of a horrible headache this last week and some rare twinges but nothing is persist ant in reminding me that I'm indeed pregnant. Perhaps this is why I'm loving the every two weeks ultrasounds...... :-) So far, baby had been really lazy with hardly moving until our last appointment where baby suddenly got an energy burst where Dr had a really hard time finding the heartbeat but with all the moving abouts, I was not worried. Unfortunately, we even had a surprise peak at the sex {we're still going to keep it quiet until after baby comes for the fun!} and are so happy, either way we don't care! Dr said it was too early to confirm but he thought the same thing I did so we'll see! We declined all genetic testing so as far as we are concerned, we have a beautifully healthy baby growing very well!

I have no cravings, yet, but tons of food aversions. I've also come to terms that I have mild pregnancy induced lactose intolerance. Pretty much no straight milk products like milk or ice cream. Cheese in moderation seems to be fine though and yogurt too. I cannot eat Peanut Butter either or else I'm throwing it up almost immediately. Strange. So it's been interesting with eating lately...

By late afternoon into the evening I can certainly tell I have a "baby bump". Gotta love the bloat! :-) I'm still wearing regular clothes most of the time and they certainly are not as comfortable as they once were... I'm holding out until I see the maternity pants go on sale or even better, clearance, at Kohl's and Target and all! Or maybe I'm just too cheap. ha!

We have purchased several baby items... Some even gender specific outfits that were on clearance and since we know so many people having kids {and we hope to have more too!} we figured we can just pass on the ones that we will not use now. It's just exciting to purchase any type of baby item and it be for US and not for someone else's baby shower or new bundle of joy!

And we can't help but talk about trying for our next baby... We do not know how long it will take so we've kind of decided unless something big happens that we'll start trying around six months for baby number two! Well, that also depends on breastfeeding and how that goes.......

Anyways. Must go finish tiding up the house so the photographer can come take photos... Ah I hate moving and dealing with real estate agents but it's even worse when it's not YOUR house for sale!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Survivors Guilt

My thoughts are compiled today, on Mother's Day, while talking with my mom wishing her a wonderful day and talks of seeing each other soon...

I have received many "Happy First Mother's Day" wishes from family and friends. While I believe these are good thoughts, I feel guilty for accepting them. Heck. Even after leaving TJ Maxx this last week I was wished "Happy Mother's Day" and immediately the feelings of hurt that I was not a mother came flooding to me. As I walked outside it dawned on me that those feelings were like my knee jerk response for so long. I don't know how it not to be... We did our usual avoidance of church today as well, and will probably on Father's Day like usual too. The wounds infertility brings are still so fresh.

And then my mom expressed what I knew but is so hard to get others to understand. I feel guilty. How ironic but the same exact "Why me?" questions I asked God before getting pregnant I was throwing right back at Him, while pregnant...

So many women out there longing for their child on this "Mother's Day" celebration. So many that would die to hear the words, "I love you mom". So many couples that have spent thousands upon thousands for the best chance possible in having their dreams of parenthood become a reality. So many tears shed. So many dreams broken. So many relationships lost.

I don't feel like I fit in with other moms just yet {I know I am a mom. From the moment of conception I believe we become mothers. It's just so difficult to hear other's verbalize this to me.} but I am no longer shedding tears with a broken heart to have our dreams come true either.

My heart goes out to each and every women I know that is longing for her child today. My heart cries for you as you put on a smile and go about today celebrating with other Mothers you know. Because that's what we do.

I never expected the amount of emotions to come when I finally did get pregnant. I never expected to feel guilty for being the one pregnant instead of the next women anxiously awaiting her child. I never expected my sorrow for infertility and the lives that it touches to be so strong, even while pregnant {although I never wanted it to go away, that's for sure}! I never expected the four years of longing for a child and the feelings felt to vanish with that positive pregnancy test but I also never expected pregnancy to be an opportunity for God to open my heart to infertility even more than when I myself was infertile.

So for you today, I want to celebrate you {those that are going thru Infertility only please} and your dedication and commitment to bringing your dreams to a reality!! At least 5 randomly selected comments I receive {addresses within the USA only please} I will send you a gift. A book. A "fertility" DVD. Pregnancy tests. "Fertility" socks. Something from me to you, specifically for you. Comments only until May 11 early CST AM will qualify!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I know...I know...Sorry...

I've had many small nudges to get my butt back to blogging by quite a few people. Figured I'd best get to it before they were no longer small. :-) Sorry I'm such a slacker these days...

Quite the response to my last post so I'll try to keep this one less controversial? :-) I do want to clarify though that I do not believe I, or anyone for that matter that has struggled to conceive, will automatically be a better mother than someone who had an "whoops" pregnancy. Unfortunately, I've seen first hand parents that have paid thousands and had the heartache of infertility be very unappreciative of their children. This just baffles me really. I've seen first hand as well parents who accidentally got pregnant or on their first cycle trying received the news that they are pregnant be fantastic parents!

I do believe that I, someone who has longed and wanted to be a mother since the day I learned I was a female and that I could, will have a fuller heart when our child arrives. I believe this only because it's fair to have that joy fill the hole that was dug by grief and loss over the last four years. Just as the saying goes, "You do not know what you have until it's gone". I cannot wait to feel that overwhelming joy when I hold our baby for the first time and weep, for the first time, tears of absolute joy and relief that our baby is here in our arms, finally! And that day is what keeps me looking ahead during every moment I spend throwing up, knowing it is going to be worth it times a million! I am not speaking that this is true for everyone that goes thru infertility, as I stated above... I am speaking solely for myself. I know I will love our children deeply and will do everything in my power to treasure each and every moment I have with them because of our struggle with infertility. I cannot wait for that day...

And moving on...

I flew to Florida to visit my Grandma a few weeks ago. It was great seeing her, finally. It'd only been like 5 years since I last visited with her. I was also able to see a few of my cousins whom I had not seen in years and years as well while there! It was such a great visit and I hope it's not too many more years before we get to visit all together again.

As for traveling, I'll go MIA again next week as we travel to Georgia to spend several days. It'll be busy but wonderful, as always, visiting with our loved ones there! We're specifically heading to Georgia for a long time friend of mines wedding on Saturday and mom's throwing Ray a Retirement Party on Sunday! We'll catch up with the rest of our family during the week and visit with friends then too. Just hope the drive doesn't go from 9 hours to 15 with all the pee breaks and leg stretches that will be necessary this time for both me and the dogs!

And on that note, I will try extra hard to not only post on my blog but yours too more frequently again! I do read about once a week to catch up on everyone, I'm just a slacker for commenting lately...