Sunday, January 31, 2010

Happy Birthday Daniel!

Yesterday was my baby brother's birthday! He turned the big 22... Wow. I'm still saddened that I have not been around for the last couple birthday for my brothers to celebrate. My dad always takes them out to a nice fancy restauarant {where they order the most expensive items and I would ask for the cheapest chicken meal available} and have fun.

I miss my birthday's with my mom as she would spend the day on an outing shopping. Fun stuff! :-) Girl time. Shopping. How could this get any better???

Happy Birthday Daniel! I hope you had a great day! I miss and love you!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Looking for meds???

I just came across this and found it too good to not re-post!

www.freegaragesale.com

Click on "Medical" and you can search all the fertility meds for sale!!!

WOW! Did not know something like this existed but amazing non the less!

Love it!!!

I came across this blog via Nicole's blog and am in absolute love!!! Oh how cute this would be hanging on a nursery wall with babes name... Or in the playroom with clothes pins hanging on the wall. Heck, in a bag on the floor for babes to play with! I LOVE IT!!!!

Rag Quilt Letters. {and the lower case too!}

LOVE LOVE LOVE them!!!

So. Since I have proven time and time again that I have no creative bone in me, anyone want to hold my hand and do this with me???? :-) Surely they are not that difficult, right??

What do you think about them???

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The update.

I, obviously, was so excited with my last post. We were moving forward, right then. Things were rolling.

I called our new insurance company yesterday to see if I could get a price on the medications. I was told no. They could only give me our co-pay {Responsible for 50% of their allotted costs, whatever that amount is} and that the pharmacy would provide the exact amount when the prescription is filled. I then felt the nudging to verify coverage with the doctor {even though the office kept telling me we were covered}.

Then the news came.

Dr. Ahlering is not a "preferred provider" for our new insurance. :-( I asked to have it verified, again. The address. The name. Everything.

We cannot, nor would we, pay out of pocket for doctors visits when I could just switch to another RE to get the coverage. No matter how much I loved or was moving on.

So I asked if Dr. Pearlstone {the Dr I have had the appointment on Feb. 3 with since back in October!} is a preferred provider. YES! Yes he is! At least that is going for us... Boy am I glad I did not cancel that appointment like Charles was questioning me on!

So good news. 6 days until we get hope that is approved by our insurance company. 6 days until, hopefully, the obsession begins again. 6 days before a new POA is given and the ball gets rolling again. 6 days... I can wait 6 days. That's only a one week wait. :-)

So although it sucks we had to completely halt everything we are excited to at least still have something soon to look forward to. :-) So I'll hopefully have good news to update with in 6 days...

Monday, January 25, 2010

On *that* road again...

*That* road being the lovely hormones filling my system in the hopes of baby at the end of it...

Yeah.

Fun stuff.

Lets start from the beginning {of today anyways} to catch you up.

Another phone consult today with Dr. Ahlering to go over my labs and my appointment with him on December 23, 2009. {Wow that's weird writing that!} Pretty much he said that everything checked out, minus my TSH which I told him my primary Dr is seeing to that, and that he is not saying IVF is our only option and we can totally do more IUIs if that is what we want to do.

So in a nut shell. The POA that is oh so exciting!!

We're inducing menses with Progesterone starting tonight {I'm only on cycle day 9} for the next seven nights and then once my period is here, I'll call. We're lining up my cycle to coincide with the IVF cycle so if need be, we can do an "IVF conversion"...

I'll have a baseline ultrasound early on and then we discussed my previous response history {hahaha! As in, over responding and not exactly a trend I want to continue on} and how I've only used Follistim. He wants to change things up and have me use Bravelle. {We're aiming for IUI} I questioned why. His response? Long. The short end though is that he uses Follistim in his IVF cycles to get lots of follicles and when he uses Bravelle it generally only produces 3-4 follicles. {YAYAYA!!!}

So he believes I will have a lot less likely chance of over stimming but if I do, {which is why we are lining it up with the IVF cycle going on} we'll just convert it to an IVF cycle and go from there...

In saying all that, Bring on the crazy hormonal roller coaster ride that is beginning tonight!!!

I feel like we just decided to try to conceive... I have such a naive' feeling of hopefulness right now, it's wonderful! :-) Here's to hoping we are holding our reasons to be Thankful this year! {Yes, I've already figured out we'd be due the first week ish of November which is fine by me!}

When I got home from work, I walked in to see a cookie cake with "Good Luck Meghan" written on it. When I asked Charles what that was for, he looked all cute and said for the upcoming baby making! How adorable is that!?!? Gosh I love that man... :-)

Oh yes. And last night another baby was born. The baby that officially filled my mom's role as "nana" and Ray's as "pawpaw"... Talk about an emotional ride!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Fully Certified!

First let me apologize for it being an entire week with me not posting. You may or may not be excited about that... ;-) It's been one heck of a week though, that's for sure! Our emotions have been all over the place and not much we could do about the situations at hand. Our family in Georgia, both sides, have had some serious drama going on and although it was nice not being in the middle of it we also had hurting hearts for those that we love and could not be there to give them hugs and cry with them... Things seem to be settling back down now and hopefully life will get back to as normal as possible for everyone. And I, back to blogging. Oh so much to say!

So first... The oh so exciting news!!!! :-)

It's technically more like "Gateway to the West" that Missouri is known for, particularly with that fancy arch and all we've got going on.

And "Gateway to the World" it has been.

This past Wednesday {Thursday and Friday too} we celebrated a HUGE milestone that we thought would always be just out of the reality realm...

Charles became 100% certified as an Air Traffic Controller!!!!!!!!!!!

He is no longer a trainee. No longer has anyone constantly watching over his shoulder {uh-oh!}. No longer is he at the absolute bottom of the totem pole!

I'm so very proud of him!!! It's been one long journey to get here... Here being an employee at St. Louis' Lambert Airport that is.

Want to journey back to where/when it all started with me??? It's a funny story really and why I originally began blogging...

When Charles applied back in May 2007 to be an Air Traffic Controller, we imagined we would be moving but had no clue as to where/when. December 17, 2007 he took the test to see his competency level and of course, I married a brilliant man. :-)

First we thought we would be moving to Rhode Island. Convinced of this. Then we got a letter from Michigan saying he was on that list and asking him to rank these locations in most to least favorable. And then, about a week later we got a letter saying he was on Iowa's list and to rank their available cities. And yet another curve ball, he was notified he is on Atlanta's list! And more lists... Las Vegas. Illinois, Nebraska, Arizona.

Then the first interview letter was sent... For Michigan! And then he was denied {later we find out due to user error within the government, go figure} without ever even having an interview! And then back to Michigan. And we planned for Michigan...

Changing paces all together! Baltimore-Washington Airport?!?! Talks of Ohio, Kansas, and Washington State all become known too... More talks of other locations.

Since it was becoming obvious that we would be moving for this job, we listed our first house. We got an offer. We got the good news from the appraiser. And we closed. All within like six months which was in the early downward spiral on the housing market...

And then Missouri entered the picture. The quarter decided for us. :-) Charles headed to Chicago for the physical/psychological/blah blah blah exams and was given the okay to head to Oklahoma City for the three months of intensive training before heading to Missouri.

I on the other hand spent the time in Georgia living at my dad's house working, looking for a place to live in Missouri, and finding a job in Missouri. Fun times.

I celebrated my birthday without him. He celebrated his birthday without me. I finished my Bachelors degree and moved from my hometown all within a couple of days of each other. And more goodbyes...

And the day finally came. We {My youngest brother Daniel made the trip with me} made it to Missouri! Our first house in Missouri. I had a job and in a matter of hours, had no job. I got homesick. Went on tons of job interviews, one I really wanted didn't come thru and now I know why. :-)

I started an Infertility Support Group. {Still going on, although in starting-over-phase.}

Charles finally came home August 21!!!!! It was a very busy 13 weeks without him. Although, I was able to see him three times during those weeks. Short but oh so sweet moments...

As I was reminded. I survived this too. Charles did all the training. He did all the work. He was the one to go thru all the crap being a trainee brings. Charles is the one that technically brought us here. It was still so hard for me too.

It's just nice to look back at this adventure, from beginning to end, and see how far we've come. We've grown so much being away from everyone and having to figure out who we are, Charles and Meghan. No family to reach out to. No friends for comfort. Just him and I.

I'm so very proud of Charles... My, and everyone who happens to fly to/around Lambert Airport, Air Traffic Controller!!!

Now to the future.............................. Whatever or wherever that may bring us!

*I sure did document a lot of this adventure by looking at all those back links! HOLY COW! Gotta love blogs... :-)*

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Wanted! Your Recipes! :-)

The first official fundraiser is underway for Lost Stork Foundation!!!! :-)

Quick background... I have started Lost Stork Foundation in hopes of providing financial assistance to couples going thru fertility treatments or adopting. Since we are still in the ‘baby stages’, it is still just a lot of paperwork but with the reality getting closer and closer. Our first Annual fundraiser/awareness event is tentatively set for November 2010!

In hopes of helping couples sooner than later, we are putting together a cookbook to include recipes from all over the world! Infertility and adoption know no boundaries so why should we limit the recipes collected? We will include a map indicating where all the recipes have come from as well, uniting all of us who know someone that has had their lives touched personally by infertility or adoption!

Would you please help us along by submitting at least two recipes, the more the better though! Include the ingredients along with exact measurements. Step by step instructions for making. How long to cook for and at what temperature. Please also be sure to include your Name, Location {State/Providence/Territory and Country}, and what the recipe is for {appetizer, main course, dessert, etc} along with any other information you believe important.
E-mail, preferably one recipe at a time, Recipe4LostStork@gmail.com and include the recipe name in the Subject line. I will notify you when the cookbooks go on sale! And please feel free to share with others you know. The more the better!!

Thank you!!

Darn you AF!

I've disappeared the last few days as although the IF support group went great {more on that to come}, I came home and got so sick! I went to bed as soon as I walked in the door only feeling slightly 'off'. I woke up only a couple of hours into sleep and it started... The fluids/foods exiting my body however possible. NOT nice. I have not thrown up that violently since I was like 12! My tummy still feels sore from it! So anyways, I've been in recovery mode... But in the midst, my hubby proved to be my prince in shining armor after all. In the wee hours of the morning, in the midst of my second round of eliminating all fluids from my body uncontrollably, he took it upon himself to head to Walgreens to stock up on Gatorade, Pedialyte, chicken noodle soup, saltine crackers, and pepto bismal. But not before he put my cell next to me in case I needed him before he got back. :-) In the grossness of it all, I fell in love with my husband all over again...

So although my title says "Darn you AF!", I'm actually pretty excited. :-) I know. I'm excited for my period {For those that don't know, AF is short for 'Aunt Flow' AKA, menses.} as today is cycle day 29!!! Which would put me at having a 28 day cycle! Where in the world did my body pull a textbook perfect cycle out of??? hahaha! It sucks though as I must have ovulated while we were in Georgia and we had fantastic *ahem* coverage during that time and still, nothing. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go back on the Folplex... But it does excite me as this was my first full cycle on Vitamin D3 and Calcium/Magnesium!!! I'm a believer I tell ya!!!! :-)

What sucks though... Although we will have our insurance coverage retro acted back to January 3, 2010 for coverage, we don't actually have coverage right now which means I cannot go see the Dr and get the ball rolling right now! :-( This upsets me. Just a little. It's a long story but the simple version is that the government is doing what they do best, being slow...

Who knows. Maybe the second full cycle on Vitamin D3 and Calcium/Magnesium we'll end up pregnant or maybe it'll be another "textbook" prefect cycle. I'll take either one of those right now to be honest! :-)

So please join me in welcoming Cycle number 42......... {If one is happy to see you, aren't you supposed to limit the amount of cramps and bloating you bring along too??? Goodness gracious!}

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

IES joins IAS!

The unofficial Infertility Support Group I facilitate has officially connected with IAS {Infertility and Adoption Support, inc.} in the hopes of reaching more women throughout the St. Louis metro areas!

Tonight holds our first meeting of 2010. Heck, the first meeting in three months! I'm nervous as to what I'll say as I have no clue who will actually show. I'm anxious to meet whoever comes. I'm excited for the last group of women were amazing! It was weird that they all kind of came and left about the same time...

Looking forward to the support and stories that will be shared.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Our week in Georgia

Spending this week in Georgia was filled with so many emotions. Saying Goodbye, saying hello, and celebrating a new adventure in life!

I am so grateful we were able to head to Georgia... Seeing my Aunt and how she remains to be such a strong woman was what I needed. She continues to talk of the future. Of traveling. She loved my Uncle so much and they lived life without regrets that perhaps it made it easier to say goodbye on this earth knowing that they will be reunited again in Heaven? I enjoyed spending time with my cousins, one of whom I had not seen in years... Surprisingly, we have a lot in common and I wish we were able to spend more time with her.

The funeral was beautiful. The pastor came to tell the family that they had never seen so many people at one time in the church nor that many cars in the parking lot... Uncle J was loved and will be missed. The amazing thing were the age ranges attending. Some teens to very elderly all came to show respect. But my favorite part... When they spoke of his love for cars, it brought back fond memories. If you were with him for longer than 1/2 a second, you learned about this love. When Charles and I saw them over Thanksgiving, it was the first thing he asked us. If we wanted to see his new car. :-) He had something like 36 over his lifetime. Passionate about each one too.

My Aunt shared some special encouragement with me just before we left... Too special to share with you all! :-) Let's just say that her and my Uncle have proved to be the type of marriage Charles and I want. 'Till Death do them part was exactly how they lived. We are forever thankful for our get together over Thanksgiving...

It was so very hard though sitting there looking at my cousins both in their 30's as being fatherless while sitting right next to mine. To think of loosing my dad (or mom) at such a young age just brings me to tears. This was very hard for me. I miss my parents like crazy... Every single stinking goodbye between us, I cry. It sucks. I am so blessed to have my parents still and treasure them immensely.

I was also able to spend a couple of hours with my dear group of girlfriends {minus one} as we celebrated Baby Eli's one month birthday {God I love snuggling newborns...} and C's engagement! Such exciting times!!! Then I headed to another friend's house for 30 minutes to say Hi/Bye but to at least squeeze her neck in person. :-)

I spend a day with my mom, just her and I. We ate at California Dreaming {YUM YUM YUM!} and went walking around an outlet mall. She picked up more Dr. Seuss books for our "eventual Children" AKA EC. One to include Dr. Seuss travels to Space, the original. More on that tomorrow... It was so nice just mother/daughter time. Then we met up with my MIL and us three girls had dinner together. :-) Not to mention, our first 'unofficial' Lost Stork meeting! {MIL is Secretary, my mom is VP, me Founder} It was exciting!

I was able to see my youngest brother's first apartment and meet his "girl friend". The first one I've ever met... :-) The second youngest brother showed off his motorcycle he's restoring and was able to kick his butt in bowling {he didn't know it but it was the lowest score wins situations. ha!} then eat some Publix cake with my dad and Jodi. Good times...

Charles and I spent time with our nieces... God I miss them................................. The tears. The goodbyes. I hate them! I just want to pack them up in my suitcase and bring them back with me! So much going on in their lives and we're missing every single bit of it. They are growing up way too quickly. Each time we see them, they get like 10 years older! :-(

Family time. Lots of it. What sucked though is we were not away long enough to really miss everyone from our visit over Thanksgiving! hahaha! It's still nice to see those that we did. Maybe we'll get some summer time visitors! :-)

Such a week filled with emotions. Such a week that we were more than ready to embrace the snow and "blizzard like conditions" in some states to get back home. Such a week that we in no way want to relive it. But such a week that we were blessed with as well...

Monday, January 11, 2010

Closest Major City?

Let's talk Lost Stork Foundation business...

So in doing some preliminary Lost Stork Foundation event brainstorming, I am going with the saying, "Go big or go home"! :-)

So...

Please do share...

What is the closest major city to you??

It doesn't have to be like Atlanta, GA but like a city with more than 5,000 people would suffice. One that if said on the radio, it would be recognized by those who live within the state...

I won't tell details of what we're planning but just know it will be powerful and exciting and fun and moving for all involved!!!! I'm so stoked!!!

{And tomorrow I head back to Toastmasters! :-) Yep. It's appropriate here as it's Lost Stork Foundation business!}

Ugly Side.

This is a very difficult post for me. I half thought about posting it 'anonymously' but that wouldn't make sense as it's on my blog. Then of course, not posting it at all... But I want to be real and know in every aspect of Infertility, although the diagnosis may be different, we all have the same thoughts on some level and that you are not alone! This post is not hard because it's really emotional or anything but because it portrays the real me. The other side of me. The one I so like to keep hidden so I'm continued to be thought of as the 'goodie goodie girl'. If I've ever felt like I really put myself out there, this will certainly top it...

Infertility brings out the best and the worst of me...

Let's focus on the latter though.

I find myself being selfish, wanting others to focus on me. I sometimes think Infertility over rules all other discussions. I want to make people feel bad for me so they'll shut up about so and so's baby/pregnancy. I can dominate conversations by talking about infertility alone.

I find myself jealous. Jealous that others got pregnant the first try. Jealous that they have an easy pregnancy. Jealous that their belly is beautiful and round and amazing. Jealous that I cannot buy baby items without feeling a twinge of emptiness. Jealous that I do not have at least one child yet. Jealousy sometimes finds the best of me.

I find myself shutting people out. I have become ultra picky on who I share my real feelings with. {Although right now it is the world...} I push people away that I believe have the possibility of saying anything to me that will hurt my feelings. I have pushed so many people away that I can count on one hand who I really talk to.

I find that I am sometimes unable to see the positive in what I see to be a horrible situation. I cannot look at what is best for some else as I'm too busy sorting thru my own feelings on the situation. I am not sure what to do with my own feelings half the time!

I find it hard to be happy for others sometimes. When I learn of another pregnancy, even if they have struggled for awhile, it sometimes takes me awhile to come around and truly be joyful in their miracle at last. Don't get me started on those who it was an 'accident' or their first cycle trying...

I find myself getting pissed with my husband and wanting to blame him for our lack of child when I really know it is my body that is failing... I just am sick and tired of being the reason and want some relief sometimes. I've tried coming up with things {and he doesn't read all I do so I can really pull together crap to make him think it's true} to make him think it's his problem too just so I don't feel as defective.

I dread it when others inform me they are trying to conceive or planning to do so about X time frame. I automatically starting begging God to give us a baby before them...

I find myself not wanting to really give 'natural' cycles a try as I do not want to fall pregnant on a break cycle for I want to so shove in everyones' face that ever said I need to just 'relax' that it did take medical intervention for us to get pregnant and it wasn't for lack of 'relaxing'...

I sometimes wish I could rewind our entire Infertility journey and keep it all to ourselves. Not telling another soul... I sometimes wish it was still a secret between only Charles and myself as it was for the first 9 {what a coincidence} months. It's too late now, that's for sure! Plus, on a selfish note, I'm glad we have the support we do!

Infertility brings out the ugly side in me... Please tell me it's not just me either! I pray for God to give me a change of heart and when I'm diligent about it, I notice a difference. Sometimes I find myself not wanting to change for then I admit I was wrong. It's such a nasty place to be.

God please change my heart and attitude to be glorifying to you...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

What TO say to an Infertile...

After this post of "Heartless comments in 2009" raised some questions, I figured it would be a good start to make a list of things I {I'm in no way speaking for anyone else going thru infertility} like to hear when referencing our infertility {AKA- Lack of baby, still}...

...you're praying for us, but only if you really are.
...ask us how we are, and truly want to hear.
...ask questions but also do some of your own research.
...remind us that hope lives and miracles still happen.
...do not guilt me into being happy for someone elses situation, I will come around.
...try to sympathize with us.
...do not say anything to "fix" it. Just listen and cry/laugh/scream/rejoice with me.
...remind us it's okay to be in the valley's but also remind us to climb the mountain again.
...allow us to have our good and bad days. They are extremes too.
...learn that a baby is a baby whether conceived via 'natural' methods or IVF with ICSI! They all scream, poop, pee, eat, and have the same chance of being a brain surgeon!

The friendships that survive/begin while Infertile are so meaningful. The journey is filled with so many ups and downs that some times you pull back and want little to do with others and sometimes you need all the human contact you can get.

Henri Nouwen~ "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Plus, let's take into account the effects all the darn hormones we're pumping our body full of and how it impacts us physically, mentally, emotionally... It's rough! You're suddenly gained 10 additional pounds thanks to OHSS and people ask if you're pregnant but instead you're still in the 'trying' stages. You are on a high during the TWW with the possibility of the _________ treatment actually working and convincing yourself that you are pregnant and then when your period arrives, again, you come crashing down to the lowest of lows. The highs and lows that my marriage itself goes thru is incredible! I can totally understand why so many divorces happen while trying to conceive after being given the "infertile" diagnosis...

If you want to read what other's have suggest, check out Tertia's post on "How to be Good Friends with an Infertile" and RESOLVE's article.

Thank you to the friends who do choose to be there for us Infertiles... It means the world to have a cheering section for us that rejoices when we do and cries when we do!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

On this day, Four Years ago

Monday, January 9, 2006

Four years ago today...

It began like any other day. Charles and I worked. We had been married for 2 years and just over 4 months. We had dinner. Played with Jack and Jill. We were living in our first house we purchased just a few months prior to. With that extra bedroom, our third bedroom, we had already decided it would be the nursery. Walking thru every house we looked at, we picked out which room was to be the nursery. We wanted to bring home at least our first child to this house. Our first house.

Ultimately, this day was the day it ended. The day I would no longer endure any more of the horrid side effects thanks to the many birth control pills. {Please do not tell me I am the only person to experience such horrid side effects from every single birth control pill I tried!?!?} No longer did we have to worry about condoms or buying latex free {I'm allergic. Nice huh?}. No longer did I have to set the clock to take the pill at the same time every day {or so I thought...}. No longer did I have to think of my dream of becoming a mommy a reality that was far off into the future. I had been on numerous birth control pills and today would be the day it all ended!

I had just had my period {it started on January 2} and the side effects had done me in. I was crying. I was frustrated. I was anything but happy to take another dag gum birth control pill before bed!

Then we had the talk.

Let's have a baby!

{Those 2 years and four months prior to this date that we'd been married, I had already taken numerous home pregnancy tests feeling like I was pregnant thanks to lovely side effects! I would cry thinking about being pregnant but then I would cry when it continuously came up negative. I was a complete wreck!}

Going to bed that night, I'll never forget the feeling I had of skipping the birth control pill and instead, throwing the whole packet {and the extras I had} in the trash! Laying in bed thinking of what the future would hold for us, for our hopeful expanding family. Even today, reverting back to that feeling I get all giddy again inside and want to have that naive ness back.

Never in a million years did I think it would take 4 years {and counting} for us to conceive. I had a feeling it would not come immediately but years? Nah.

Here we sit. Four years to the day that we threw away every remaining packet of birth control and decided it was now or never {hahhaa} to start growing our family. I picked up a couple of books on checking your fertility signs {Cervical position, cervical mucus} and begin trying to figure out my body after birth control pills. That's another amusing story all in itself.

I have learned a lot over the last four years...

It may only take one egg and one sperm to make a baby but finding that one egg and one sperm is like finding a needle in a haystack! Nearly impossible it seems!

I have learned that Charles and I may have struggles and have to fight for what we want but we're a darn good team!

I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I once thought, only by the grace of God though. I never would have thought I would still be standing after watching so many people {both in my book as deserving and undeserving} bring home child -after child- while we still are with empty arms.

I have learned that without my faith, I would be locked up in some padded room afar.

I have learned that life is given and taken away. To treasure each and every moment given as we are not guaranteed tomorrow... I hope to remember this the next time I see a positive pregnancy test and not immediately become overthrown with worry.

I have learned that you can love someone so much your heart aches and yet have never even met them.

I have learned that our support system is vital to our sanity remaining intact.

I have learned that it does not always take one male and one female to make a baby... Numerous doctors, nurses, embryologists, lab techs, insurance companies, etc. are involved in the process as well.

True friends are there thru it all. They endure the hormonal roller coaster right along side you. They ask how you are doing and really want to hear. They grieve with each failed cycle right along side you. Although they may become mommy's themselves along the years, they are still there for you thru it all.

I have learned that this is our story. One that will be shared for many years to come. One that we hope God will use so we can at least feel as though we did not go thru this for nothing.

Two of the most important things I've learned though?

I now have a better grasp on my 'to cry' or 'not to cry' switch. Most of the time, I can tell our story without tears overcoming me. I've also learned to use this in other areas of my life. I'm a crier. I cry. I hate crying. You look at ugly and your face turns red and your nose runs and you can't talk. It's not fun. So this has been good. :-)

I have yet to meet an infertile that is not already a wonderful mother! The hearts of fellow infertiles are so big, so welcoming. They genuinely care. For now on, the first question I ask anyone that's a potential 'friend' is if they are infertile or know what it's like to want a child that you cannot just snap your fingers to get. If the answer is no, I shun them. {Not really. I don't even ask this question to be honest.} I admire other infertiles and believe them to be my role model.

It is by these women that I meet that my passion for Lost Stork Foundation grows so much more! They deserve to have that chance to become the parents they desire to be. Money does not stand in the way for countless other women who get pregnant and feed off the government systems or cannot afford their babies so why should a wanting couple have to push their dreams aside because they cannot afford to slap down $20,000 in one lump sum?

In one way I am grateful for the last Four years and in another, I would erase it all to have our baby already. I have read and been told over and over again that no matter how long you struggle to finally bring home your baby, it is forgotten the moment you look into their sweet little face. I grasp onto this as we take one day at a time and {hopefully} reach the five year mark holding our baby.

So today I will make a cake {and devour it myself} and reflect on the last Four Years and what the next Four Years will {hopefully} hold for us {a baby or few please!}...

Friday, January 8, 2010

Holy cow it is cold! Brrr!

According to my phone... Holy cow! Driving back from Georgia {Lots to say about this week and my feelings and thoughts}. School was cancelled today due to a "Snow day" and every state we hit is covered in snow. Will make for one long trip! Just hoping we do not get home only to find a pipe burst with all there freezing temps and an empty house.

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Monday, January 4, 2010

Blonde hair, Blue eyes

This past weekend, before the news of my Uncle's passing, I had such a pleasant dream. One that is different in pictures but same story line...

This particular dream included Charles, myself, and a beautiful six month old baby boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. He was ours. Not genetically ours though. We had adopted him.

In the dream, everyone {not sure who exactly} kept saying how much he looks like Charles {Charles was a toe head baby with blue eyes} and that just made a new daddy even prouder!

I have had such a gambit of dreams. I don't know what they all mean! Are they really just my subconscious processing and wishing all this would happen?

I've had two dreams where I had a positive home pregnancy test. I've had countless dreams where we adopted a baby. Some with a girl, some a boy, some with gender unknown. I've had a dream where I was pregnant and one getting ready for childbirth. I have had the same exact dream more than once too.

I love these dreams though. I constantly try to think about them and keep the great feeling I wake up with all day long. I love it in the dream where I proudly say to someone that this is my baby...

What do you make of dreams???

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Rejoicing, for him anyways.

Early this morning, my Uncle Jon passed away.

Last night my dad called to inform me that he was back in the hospital and it would be soon.

Thankfully. Yesterday he was surrounded by loved ones, including his wife, both his children, his grandchildren, and extended family.

He did not suffer long. His pain was being controlled. For this we are thankful.

Although comfort is found that he was welcomed into heaven with wide open arms as he was a believer. It still is so sad that we will no longer see him here on this earth.

Charles and I are so grateful that we were able to spend a wonderful evening with them while we were in Georgia over Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful visit and love them both very much.

{Darn tears}

I only wish I would have gotten a picture of the four of us...

We will leave early tomorrow morning for Georgia to spend time with that side of the family and say our last "Goodbyes"...

Friday, January 1, 2010

Positive thoughts for 2010!

Now that we got that all out of our system, let's officially end 2009 and enter 2010 with only positive thoughts!

Here's to having a baby in "the Year of the Tiger"! "...are fond of competitions..." "...well liked because of their charming personalities..." "...Natural leaders..." "...Good strategists and tacticians..." "...straightforward and uninhibited in nature..." "...flexibility and often recover quickly..." "...gentle and full of sympathy..." "...stubborn and selfish..." "...pride in being different..." "...natural born leaders..." "...rashness and hesitation..."

{Not that I really believe all that. All in fun.}

Even years are better years anyway. Who would want an odd year baby?? ha!

So here's to 2010 being full of Joy, Happiness, Love, Peace, New found hobbies, New Friends, Old friends, Family, and dreams coming true...

Not to mention. It seems that 99.9% of everyone I know {which happens to be a lot} pregnant or just given birth had a girl in 2009 or is due to have a girl early in 2010... So, maybe 2010 is the year of the boys???? :-) hahaha!