Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Phone Conversation with my amusing husband...

Setting it up... There is a house. It is an amazing opportunity. When we were over at the house on Sunday I eyed a Piano in the Living room and asked who played? Was told their son fiddled with it some. If it works out, the landlord wants to possibly leave the piano sitting in the living room there.

Charles: "C said he may leave the piano and noticed you eyeballing it and asked if you played."
Me: *Insert hysterical laughs here*
Charles: "You could still learn to play the piano, right?"
Me: STILL hysterically laughing...
Charles: "Right?"
Me: Claming down a bit...
Me: "Honey. I have not the first musical ability in my body. I tried in high school."
-Insert here my attempts to learn:
Flute (couldn't get out the first note)
Clarinet (so struggled reading music and getting my fingers to cooperate)
Trumpet (wanted to play but again, struggled with getting it to make a darn sound!)
French Horn (hahahaha! This is where I learned the talent of faking...)
Bass Clarinet (Band Instructor wanted to put me on this with high hopes but sadly, nothing.)
Charles: "You wouldn't have been able to write a book in high school so maybe you can learn to play an instrument now?"
Me: *Thinking. Is the book complete yet? Nope. Not conquered yet.*
Charles: "You could do it..."
Me: "I also want to learn a foreign language. I want to teach our children to be multi-lingual (that sounds like some noodles!)."
Charles: "Multi? That's three or more."
Me: "I know. German and Cherokee are my preferred choices."
Charles: "Yeah. Right."
Me: *Thoughts here- and you thought I could learn a musical instrument and yet ye of little faith that I can learn two languages to teach our children...*

You see. The whole musical talent thing dates back to my oldest brother who is a amazing. I wanted to be just like him. Hence trying out numerous instruments before calling it all quits and coming to terms that I have NO musical ability what so ever in my body. He picks up any instrument and he plays it. Give him two hours and he's spitting out a beautiful melody or something. Where did he get this talent? Well, from my grandma actually. (Yes, the one I've asked for prayers for and whom still needs them!) I wish I had the gift of music. Preferably to sing since I love it so but am HORRIBLE at it! haha! Oh, many stories there for a later date, maybe.

And shall I say that I have a younger brother who is also musically gifted but his is slightly different. He plays the guitar and sings. Pretty good if I may say so myself. My youngest brother, well, he sometimes tries and although not a 10 he's not a 1 either. :-)

I often claim to be the "Red headed step child" in my family becuase my three brothers are so different than me. They all three have incredible book smarts. Like, really. My oldest we swore would find a cure for cancer or perhaps now the Swine Flu. One of my younger brothers scored a perfect on the high school graduation test in one or two of the sections. And my youngest, he doesn't even try and he does amazingly well! They are all three extra tall. As in 6'3" and up. All built slender too. Gosh darn, why didn't I get this gene?? haha! But they're also all three a pain in the royal butts! Maybe that's just the sister in me coming out??? :-) But I love them all...

And now I must get my laughing butt off of here and wash some dishes so we can head to the zoo on Saturday! :-)

Dr. Greene and Tonsil Stones

I finally figured it out!!!! Oh my it's been driving me crazy! You see, when I posted this back in January 27, 2009 I have since received a lot of hits on this one post... After further investigation (thanks Google Analytics) I found I was getting referrals from Dr. Greene's website. Well, after approving three comments all on this one post, I not only gained more information on these annoying things called "Tonsil Stones" but also where the linage is from!

Check THIS out!

Yep. That's linking back to my blog, that particular post actually... Still no answers though! haha!

And, while I'm on it. A new website has been brought to my attention that addresses not only Tonsil Stones but ways to remedy them... Both tested and approved and waiting to find out! :-)

Check out Josh's website, http://www.tonsil-help.com

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Cycle Number 35, Well Hello.

Needless to say, our 34th cycle and first Injectible and IUI cycle is indeed a bust. :-( I was awoken an hour early by the horrid cramps thanks to all the excess Progesterone my body was getting in preperation for the implanted embryo... Oh well.

Here's to a month of self pity. Self wallowing. Mourning. And moving onwards...

Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm alive... So it seems.

Morning my friends! It's been one heck of a last few days... Unfortunately, I'm getting ready to head to care for two beautiful baby boys so I'll have to go into details later. I really just wanted to say that I AM still alive, although sometimes the Progesterone side effects get some intense that I feel as though I am sleep living thru my life. It's been fun.

As far as this cycle goes... Let's just say that I'm not feeling too optimistic and am trying to prepare myself for the best coping mechanism to get thru the month of May... Should I hide under a rock? Should I become a kickboxing guru again? Should I work 24/7? Should I just sit back, mourn my loss as everyone else is celebrating their gains, and throw a gigantic pity party?
Yes, you see. None of those options are pretty. They are all sad. They all suck. They will all probably happen if I'm honest with myself. Why is May so significant? Well, let me try to explain...

May 10 is Mother's Day. If this one is not obvious, please, tell me and I will explain.

May 15, my SIL is scheduled to give birth to her baby girl. The one whom I love dearly, yet it is so a two sided sword that goes deep into my heart. You see, they tried ONE CYCLE. NOT fair! Yes, ONE CYCLE to get pregnant. They were one of the very lucky couples who didn't have to endure the first heartache to get their baby girl. She will never understand, if even for a moment, what I have endured. I am thankful for this. Really. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! It just is really frustrating, in a very selfish light, that I STILL am not pregnant and this is just a lovely reminder. I will watch this baby girl grow up and each and every birthday will be another yearly reminder... We had tried for YEARS prior to their first successful cycle trying. Not fair. I have prayed that I am at least pregnant when she gives birth... Nope. Not happening either. Not fair. Not to mention it pains me how I found out...

You see. I got a TEXT MESSAGE from my lovely husband at the very first Infertility Support Group I faciliate saying, "Kim's pregnant???" Yep. That's what it said. I knew they tried that cycle. I think I rather encouraged the trying... So while I am sitting in a room full of girls, that happened to also meet for the first time on my Mom's Birthday (that's a lovely reminder...), who all long and ache for a baby so bad I get this news. Let's just say that it took awhile to digest it all... Many tears have been shed. I am very excited for them and I cannot wait to meet this baby girl! It is such a horrible two sided sword... Yet, I know that each and every child is a miracle and a blessing and this is what keeps me encouraged.

And lastly. May 30 is my big 2-5 birthday. As long as I can remember, this has been my ' magic number ' in my head of when I would have my first child by. It just seemed right. When the last cycle came and went where I could have had my baby before my 25 birthday, I cried. Then I accepted solely just being pregnant ON my birthday. That was okay too. Nope. Not happening either. Not only will I be childless on this day, my mom and Ray will be here to 'celebrate' with me a day where instead of 'celebrating' I will be mourning... I don't want to celebrate. I don't want my birthday to come. I don't want cake. Or presents. Or any reminders that it is my birthday. Instead I want a baby. I want MY baby. I want my baby made with love (and unfortunately and fortunately the help of medical science). I just want my baby... So please. I ask that no birthday wishes this year be given. No reminders. It's so childish but it's how I feel.

And these are the reasons why I dread so much May... The only way I will make it thru is by finding and taking comfort in Jesus. By crawling up into my Heavenly daddy's lap and letting my heart let it all go. Giving it all to Him. Taking the time to mourn my loss but remembering to celebrate for others, as difficult as it may be.

This is also a very difficult cycle as this is the first real cycle Charles has fully invested his heart into. He is going thru the emotions for the first time that I have gone thru over, and over, and over, and over, and over again (38 cycles to be exact). I hate seeing him like this... I so desire to make him a dady... I want to see him with his son or daughter. Teaching them silly things and being a proud daddy when the children want to be like him...

So many marriages are broken up my the struggle of Infertility. It is a continuous loss. One that is mourned with each failed cycle. I am so thankful that Charles and I have not only stayed together throughout this but that we have grown together. Our marriage is stronger now than ever before... Praise God for this!

And now, I must be off to go care for my two reminders that miracles do happen and Infertility can be beat, when God says it is now our turn... Such a blessing my N and A are!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Exhaustion leaves me uncreative.

The Progesterone is kicking my butt!!! This is the first cycle I have felt like this but it is due to me taking TWICE the dosage as I have previously. Once in the morning and once in the evening instead of my usual just evening dosage. Oh well. Hopefully all in the name of baby...

Please continue to pray for Stellan! The short side of the long story. He was transferred to Boston a few days ago. Today, he had surgery to try to fix the problem. (I don't get all the medical talk so if you're into that, head to MckMama's blog for that!) They were "65% successful". Please just continue to keep Stellan and MckMama and the rest of the MckFamily in your thoughts and prayers as they take one day at a time...

Also, for those interested. I'm still getting things set up on Wellsphere.com but here's my profile if you so want to add me as a friend on there! :-)

http://www.wellsphere.com/meghan-swann-profile/128826

I hope that works... Let me know if you have any problems.

And on that, I'm off to bed. I'm surprised I'm still awake! oh yes. i'm awake becuase I was doing some more last minute research for the Infertility Support Group I facilitate tomorrow evening. Did you know Iodine deficiency in Pregnant and Lactating women is a problem? Have you checked your multivitamin/prenatal lately??? I'll have a lot more to say about this later, when I'm not fighting my eye lids closing on me...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

ADA Approved!

My addiction is now approved by the ADA! Oh this is exciting! This has been my theory all along as to my "knock on wood" only one cavity in my life time so far. Pretty impressive huh? if only insurance covered the cost of gum due to the prevention of cavities. Maybe one day...

Sure does look positive to me...



Why you ask? Well... More to come on the story, but the ER Nurse AND Doctor both said that their hospital home pregnancy tests are "much more sensitive" and that "I certainly was not pregnant". Even though I explained to both of them that I only ovulated four days ago which would mean that the baby has not even had a chance to implant yet and thus releasing hCG (The pregnancy hormone that is detected in Urine and blood pregnancy tests).

Unless me AND Charles both see this line, along with who knows who else that I took at 11:30am today. Ya know, AFTER I was released and home and peeing every hour or two thanks to the fluids they pumped in me... But nope. Even on top of all that, I still get a positive. Darn Trigger shot still in my system.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Moving.

I hate moving. It's not so much the new house, it's everything else that goes with it.

Searching hours upon hours on craigslist.com and other websites for housing.
Searching by location.
Searching by monthly rent.
Searching by pet allowances (aka, are our dogs welcome or not?)
Searching by the number of bedrooms.
Searching for a house with a yard please. Fenced preferably.
Searching by critera such as seperate shower and tub which Charles would love to have.
Realizing that houses are different here than the South... Very few offer a true master bedroom and let's not even think about a master bathroom!
Contacting 1,000+ individuals and Realtors to inquire on houses.
Setting up 25 different houses to visit over a month's time.
Finding the house for us, right now.
Negotiating.
Coming to an agreement.
Signing lease.
Putting up security deposits.
Paying for first months rent.
Putting up Pet security deposit.
Disconnecting utilities on certain date at current house.
Finding out who services new house.
Figuring out best fits for us.
Reconnecting all utilities at new house.
Stopping current mail.
Starting mail to new address.
Forwarding current mail, hoping that no bills will get lost in the shuffle.
Packing.
Labeling.
Organizing boxes to which room.
Trying to figure out the new layout of the new house and what works where.
Figuring out which rooms are for us, company, office, and baby.
Planning how we will set up the big screen TV that it doesn't look tacky and overbearing.
Hiring movers as Charles and I cannot move ourselves.
Unpacking.
Organizing.
Making the house, home.
Meeting neighbors hoping that you have at least one neighbor that is friendly.
Finding items that seem to have been lost in the move.
Finding those items 8 months later, if lucky, when you've replaced them already.
Officially getting settled only to think about moving...Again.

This is what I hate about moving. And to think, we're in the process of doing this right now... Hoping that the house for us is one of the two that we are going to look at tomorrow afternoon.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Welcome and Hello!

You may have noticed on my left side bar is a "Top Health Blogger" recognization for the Pregnancy and Fertility Community by Wellsphere.com. Yes, that is my photo in there as well! I am honoroed to accept the invitation to be a "Top Health Blogger" for Wellsphere.com! Just so you do not fret, absolutely nothing will change about my blog. You will still get to see lots more pee sticks and hear all the TMI and beyond that I get to edure along our journey to become parents. It just means that I'd love for you to join me along with millions of other people who check out Wellsphere.com on a regular basis.

So, I wanted to dedicate this post to not only welcoming any readers that happen to find my blog via Wellsphere.com but also to those whom have stopped by here via other associations. I would appreciate it if you would either drop me an e-mail (MSwann2003@gmail.com) or a comment to let me know exactly how you did find me in the crazy wide blogging world. :-)

A great big hello to my regular readers as well! I know who some of you are but a lot of you, I have no knowledge that you even stop by here!! If you blog as well, I would very much enjoy following your blog and getting to know you as you are me/us.

And just for fun... A pee stick that I took this morning with First Morning Urine (FMU). It is beautifully positive! It has faded quite a bit as I took the photo at 6pm, only 12 hours after actually peeing on the test. Also, I will only update Home Pregnancy Test photos every other day as these are Equate Brand tests which are not exactly $1 a piece like at the Dollar Tree... Now, if you have any qualms about this I am more than happy to accept Home Pregnancy Tests donations for the sake of "science" and all... :-)

The goal is the same though. I'm hoping that the line never fully goes away but that it gets lighter and then darker again indiciating that new hCG is being made to indiciate that I AM pregnant! I was given the hCG Trigger shot at 3pm ish on Monday 04/13 afternoon. We were inseminated (IUI) at 10:45am on Wednesday 04/15.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)

Waiting. The first ultimate wait. This was our first cycle on injectible medications, Follistim and Pregnyl hCG Trigger shot to be exact, along with accurately timed Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

I took Follistim 100 units for three days and then four days of the upped dosage to 125 units. On Monday, 04/13/09, the ultrasound revealed a complete surprise to us! First, we immediately saw my uterine lining which looked the plumpest I've ever seen it before! Oh, it was beautiful!!! Even Dr. Witten voiced his approval of it. Onto my ovaries... No longer was there just ONE mature follicule which now measured about 25mm but a SECOND mature follicule measuring about 22mm... I say abouts becuase I was rather distracted with the boys and making sure they were okay instead of writing down numbers on my brain. I had one mature follicule on each ovary!!! Holy cow! I also have several smaller follicules on my ovaries that he did not believe would ever catch up.

Dr. Witten then says, "IUI on Wednesday." My jaw was on the floor!!!! No way! I was hesistant at first as our insurance does not cover IUI or onwards right now... When I told him this he pretty much said I don't care and that this was our best option. Charles and I talked.

We then asked him about the whole eye issue and if it was related to the hormones or not as that would greatly impact our decision as well. It was decided that if this was our last medicated cycle due to the hormones messing with my eye then we would proceed with IUI but if not, we would just do timed intercourse. Dr. Witten was very much taken aback by this question on the hormones and insisted that before he proceed with anything further that I am seen by an Opthmalogist one floor below. The office itself called and made the appointment for that day at 1:45pm. It was now 11:00am ish so we had time to kill. We headed to Chick-Fil-A (My absolute favorite place to eat ever!) and killed some time. At the eye Dr. visit, I explained everything and then the Dr. said that he was going to pretend he did not hear anything I said and see what he finds. He looked. He said, nothing. He said all is well. I am a little a-symmertical but nothing that was to be concerend with and that I had his full agreeance to proceed further and that the hormones were doing nothing to me at all... :-)

So back to Dr. Witten's office we go... Charles and I decided to go ahead and move forward with the IUI as it does increase our chance of success. I was given the hCG Trigger shot at 3pm ish on Monday and was told that we need to drop off the "sample" promptly at 10am on Wednesday for the IUI to occur at 10:30am.

So, today we follow the timing precisely. When we were called back for the IUI they asked if we wanted to look under the microscope and see the spermies! Of course, I totally jumped on this! Oh, it was absolutely awesome to see all those sperm swimming around looking for the golden eggie but thankfully, no eggie was found in the petri dish they sat in! Oh, it was awesome to see though... And then Charles looked. It's amazing how when a man sees his "army" working as they should the pride and glee that take over their face. I loved seeing his facial reaction at this exact moment!

Then we go back into the room. It's funny. I am no longer told to get rid of my lower level of clothes but instead they just leave the room. haha! She verified my name and birthday to ensure that they had the right semen sample in the syringe reading for insemination!

When Dr. Witten entered, he asked Charles, "Do they have a GPS?" I said, "I sure hope so!" haha! I was totally expecting pain and completely discomfort but instead, I felt really nothing. I felt the speculum enter and about a minute later, I felt 10 seconds worth of warm burning sensation that was so slight had I been talking, would never have noticed it. And that was it. I then laid there for 15 minutes just as a precaution... I was told to take it easy for the rest of the day.

It was so weird feeling. Just the thought that maybe this is actually going to be it for us. You know. When we actually become parents. Charles and I are just excited and nervous and anxious to see how it all pans out... Everything humanly possible has been done. It's now up to God if we become parents or not. All we have left now is the faith and trust that we cling onto every single day!

As we were discussing some final details (such as me starting Progesterone supplements on Saturday twice a day) Dr. Witten came by and said that he feels as though we "hit a home run". He said that my eggs are incredibally happy (hence the Estrodoil number "well over 1,000") and the sperm are perfect... All the ingredients are there and no sense as to why it wouldn't work. While yes, science may say this but I know that just becuase it seems like all is perfect, I have learned that it does not guarantee anything!

So we will know May 1 or not if we are pregnant or not... Believe you me that I will let the whole world know if it succeeded or not! How will I occupy my time over these next two plus extremely long weeks.... Oh wait! I will continue peeing on HPT's!!! :-) Start looking out for more pee stick photos to come!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Addicted to the stick!

I LOVE to pee on things... Okay. So really, I limit my pee'ing activity to sticks of various kinds. Namely to Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) and Home Pregnancy Tests (HPT). Well, I only have any OPKs this cycle thanks to my nanny mom, L who generously gave me her leftovers as she knows the addiction. haha!

Welll, I've been peeing on the OPKs and all of them have been negative- until tonight!

*Negative OPKs are when the 'test' line (in this case it is the left line in the photo) is lighter than the 'control' line. For it to be considered Positive, the 'test' line must be as dark as or darker than the 'control' line. As you can tell, the 'test' line is as dark as the 'control' line! :-)*

Photobucket

Now I'm ultra excited to see how tomorrow morning's appointment goes!! Will I have ovulated between now and then or will I still get the HCG Trigger shot tomorrow to guarantee Ovulation???? :-) YIPPEE!!!! What a fantastic Easter Gift this would be if we conceived today! WOWZERS! Is that TMI or what?????????????? hahahahaha!!!!

So far. So good. But it's still morning...

It hit me yesterday. Hard. The hormones. Yesterday was the first day I really felt the hormonal affect. I did not like me yesterday...

It all started actually on Saturday evening. Charles and I were bickering and well, it continued onto yesterday... So the day did not start out too well. I woke up, saw that I did not get a text message saying he was at work safe and sound as he does everyday. I knew it was not a "forgotten" thing but intentional. My heart broke. It was the first clue that today was going to be a bad day and who knows how long we would go without talking... I HATE fighting with him. Hate it!

I did some straightening up around the house. Ate breakfast. Read my e-mail. Found out a dear friend is pregnant! I'm so very excited for them and am praying for a Sticky and healthy bean this go around! Oh, how I want to be pregnant and share the experience with her... My heart also sank for myself. If we're not pregnant this cycle, it will be just one more pregnancy that I have watched from beginning to birth and then will have the yearly birthday reminders that we're still, chidless. It's such a double edged sword! On one hand I'm jumping up and down for them and the other crying for myself...

Moving onwards, if possible.

I went to the Eye Dr. for my yearly (okay, 14 monthly exam) eye exam. I opted to have the photo taken of the back of my eye to check for early signs of Glaucoma, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Tumor, etc. My Rx has stayed the same with my eyes, so that is good. She did mention that my right eye's Retina thing is normal where they measure what she called a dip. The left eye has no dip she was referring to on the right eye. Said this could be due to several factors but the one that she believes would be the most obvious occurs only in women and is due to hormonal thearpies such as Birth Control Pills, Hormone Replacement Therapy, and the Fertility Meds used to get pregnant. If this is the case, it is "fixed" with a pill. Not sure the details on this though. Oh, I wish I would have gotten specifics!!!! I can't even find anything on google to help me out with it! :-( But if this is the case, this will be our last cycle we use hormones to get pregnant.

She said it could also be something I was just born with and it's normal for me. Which is exactly why come Monday I am calling my previous eye Dr. in Georgia whom I LOVED and asking for clarification on this and to have my records sent over for comparison. Also it was told that this could be due to pressure given by a tumor... But she seemed to think that if it is something recently developed that it is the one related to hormones.

I called my mom. Who else since Charles and I were not speaking... My mom kindly reminded me that although it is real how I feel, it is also drastically increased thanks to the hormones. I know this. I just cannot rationalize what hormones are normal and what are the exaggrated ones. Oh, if only I could... But she just listened to me and was encouraging where appropriate and just an ear where appropriate... Thanks mom!

I was very angry at God. I told Him that I was done being tested, if this is what indeed was happening. I know if we are not pregnant this cycle that I do not know how I will survive the month of May. That if us not being pregnant this cycle is part of my testimony that I did not want it. I did not want to execute faith any longer. I was done. I did not stop trusting Him or believing in Him. I, my human nature, was at a breaking point. I did not think I had enough faith to continue on even one cycle longer. I told God that my limit is up. He promises to only take us thru what we can handle, no more. I told him that I'm there. My limit. is. UP. I sobbed. I questioned why, why, why??? Why must that third baby go to someone who doesn't even want their first two?? Why must I sit back and watch and wait while I get "lapped"??? Why is this so difficult for us?? How long must my heart continue to break??? How long must I dream of my baby instead of hold my baby??? How much of the heartache can I really take???

Charles gets home from work. He takes a nap. (Still not speaking more than the "hi" "good" "fine" "your welcome" phrases.) We go to Easter Service at Morning Star Church. The title of the sermon, "It just got Personal". We sit. We wait for service to start. Two rows in front of us (really one as the row directly in front of us was empty!) sat two couples. Both with adorable baby girls not more than 5 months old each. Of course. What a way to start the service... One of the songs we sang said, "You can move the mountains" and I was reminded of the "Don't Get Comfortable" song my mom was spoken thru for me...

As the service goes on, the pastor shared their story on how into four years of trying for their baby, his stepson asked to go live with his dad. His wife would just cry out to God asking why... WHY???? Why cannot we get pregnant? Why is my son asking to go live elsewhere? Why is this happening??? Let's just put this nicely and say this is where the floods began... I just experienced this a few hours earlier yet here I was experiencing it all over again and next to my husband, whom I had not spoken to hardly within the last 24 hours. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me sobbing... Trembling. At my ugliest.

Instead. It was a moment that brought us together. Charles knew what he needed to do. He just put his arm around me and held me. I cried and I'm sure was rather distracting for those around us. Then on the video another lady shared how they tried for so long to get pregnant and it was then accepted that God did not intend for her to birth babies from her body. I am rather surprised I even heard this thru my sobbing. Ultra sobbing. Stupid hormones!

And the toppers of all toppers... Just as I finish crying the end prayers occur and then they say let's sing one more song together on how it's such a Happy Day! Yep. I could only keep back the tears for the first liners. Why? Well, you see. This is the ring tone I hear every time my mom calls and only when my mom calls. It was the song she requested be her ring tone so I know it is her... Cried. Cried. And cried a ton more!

After service we met up momentraily with Cathy and Jay and again, at my ugliest but she gets it so it was okay. I just wish I was in better spirits and thus would have enjoyed getting together afterwards....

Instead, we headed home where I went directly to the bedroom, thankfully alone, and took out my contacts for fear of loosing them in the midst of the tears, and just layed on the bed and sobbed my heart out. I was crying over EVERYTHING! It just felt good though to let it all out. I cried for Charles and I needed no words nor reminders about our tat we'd been having but the barrier was now gone. I talked to God and told Him I will still trust and have faith in His will for my life even if this cycle is not the one where we are blessed with our long awaited and desired baby. I bore my heart and asked for forgiveness...

I was thankful for my time alone to cry for about an hour and then Charles came upstairs and was just there for me. He held me. I cried. We talked. I cried. We slept... I had a nightmare. Woke up startled. Prayed. Drifted back to sleep, peacefully.

I awoke this morning to a text message that Charles made it to work alright and that he loves me... Today is going to be a better day. The Lord has RISEN!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Faith.

PROVERBS 16:9 IN HIS HEART A MAN PLANS HIS COURSE, BUT THE LORD DETERMINES HIS STEPS

Today has not been a great day for me... Let us blame the obvious here, husband errrr Hormones. After getting some potentially bad news at the eye Dr. this AM I have a follow up in just over a week's time. If it is what they think it is, this will be the last cycle we use any form of hormones.

Now that I've shed many tears and have moved on, I came across this verse and found it oh so appropriate...

Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps"

Friday, April 10, 2009

Expected Surprises!

That title sounds really bad... What I want to say is something along the lines of, "The items came today and while I knew they would be arriving soon, I was not expecting them today!!!"
I arrived home, after spending a fantastic day with two amazingly adorable babies, and was greeted by a huge box on my front stoop. I knew EXACTLY what it was when I saw it! It's the continuation of the small package I found on the couch late last week with the few items for the nursery in it! All given to me by my friend, Cindy, whom I'm so everly grateful for!!!! I love them!!!! Each and ever piece... Now, off to find the furniture! :-) Fun stuff!
The last two photos are of the afghan my mother-in-law spent hours upon hours making! Is it not beautiful or what?? And oh so soft... :-) And the mobile that SIL and Charles used as babies! It's in absolutely perfect condition!






Thursday, April 9, 2009

The last week's happening in my Life...

I apologize to my dear loyal readers whom some have taken it upon themselves to make it fully aware that my blog has not been updated for awhile... And to you, I apologize! Something called life and jobs and family all kind of got in the way of updating. And so, now I update all the last weeks happenings within this one single post.

April 2 - I had Dr visit that revealed my ovaries had not produced any follicules (these contain the eggs) of measurable size. This was sad as it was cycle day 13 and by this time the "normal" person would have at least one egg ready to ovulate. Dr. Witten said he would call in something and to start it ASAP. I left bummed and again, sure that this cycle was a complete bust...

April 3 - Around 9am I get a phone call from Dr. Witten's office... The conversation follows.

Nurse- "The injectable Rx has been sent to your pharmacy and expect a phone call confirming."
Me-"Oh, the HCG (aka-Trigger) shot?"
Nurse- "No. Follistim." Pause. "And the HCG Trigger Shot."
Me- *GASP!* Roll tounge back into mouth. Pick up jaw off ground. Manage to say, "oh?"
Nurse- "Were you not told about this?"
Me- "No. So what exactly am I in for?"
Nurse- Reviewing legal stuff... Telling me about it. Follistim is an injectable medication in the Gondratrophins (sp?) which is used solely for Fertility enhancement.
Me- "Okay. Thank you."

I immediately totally freak out. Thank goodness the boys were sleeping at this time! I called Charles who helped calm me down a bit... I called my mom who grounded me a bit more... I text my SOP girls who live in the USA and was reassured that all would be okay and I can do this and all for a baby... Whatever it takes to get our baby!

I went from anxious and nervous and scared mindless to excited within a few hours. I think having the boys has really helped throughout all this! I mean, they ARE the encouragement I have as real life success stories... :-) They ARE my inspiration!!!

I then called the pharmacy and wanted to confirm everything. Found out it was Follistim 300units X 3 and that my pharmacy includes EVERYTHING possibly needed. The pen (it's really kind of neat), all needles, alcohol wipes, disposal for hazardous waste products, carrying bag. Nice. Everything was set for Sat. AM delivery...

April 4- Anxiously awaiting delivery... We get home and all that is found is a dag gum "Sorry we missed you" note! WHAT??? *Insert freak out here...*

April 5- Spend the day researching Follistim. Success. Multiple's risk. Freaking Charles out with what I read on "1 in every 3 pregnancies results in multiples"...

April 6- Every 20 minutes called Charles to see if THE package had arrived yet. Nope. Called the Dr. office to see about scheduling the appointment to come in and follow up u/s and b/w and learn how to do the injections. Not needed. I was walked thru all this via the instructions manual. VERY easy to do... First show, today.

So, I brought the boys to my house to pick up the materials and call the Dr. to figure it all out. I had everything ready to go. The boys laying on our bed. I called Charles upstairs to give me words of encouragement and get me sticking! He came up, said, "You can do it" after I begged him to utter these words to me. I laughed. Then, he looked at the boys and looked at me and said, "Are THEY worth it?" (They are the result of fertility meds as well hence why they are my inspiration!) I said YES and stuck myself. That was that. It was over with. No pain. Okay. Minimimal pain. First shot-success!

Mother-in-law and Father-in-law arrived today for the evening. They brought with the mobile that Sister-in-law and Charles used when they were babies. It's so precious! Also, brought the afghan that mother-in-law has slaved hours upon hours over for me and baby to be! It is absolutely gorgeous!!!!!!! So soft and pretty and just the right size... I cannot wait to wrap my baby up in it!!! I love that I've been given so many meaningful little "blessings" as I like to call them. All of these baby items tell a story. Someone's story. Our story.

April 7- Second shot-Success! Only side effects I'm noticing are so much better than anything I've ever heard of someone complain about in regards to Clomid! It's upsetting my tummy and doing a wonderful job at cleaning out my intestinal tract and I have the occassional ovary twitch/pressure/pain. That's it. Certainly doable, especially if the end result is a baby!

MIL/FIL left today for Georgia and will be back this weekend for a few days. I'm sure we'll talk more "baby" and perhaps go thru the tub of stuff for SIL again as well. :-) Oh how I wish I was able to personally watch SIL and BIL go thru the tub full of goodies but unfortunately, life calls.

April 8- It's a day filled with tears... Started off with third shot being a success. No tears here. Those are saved for later.

First round of tears, not a whole lot though. WAY premature but what the heck... Charles and I have tentatively agreed upon boy names and a girl's first name!!!! I would LOVE to share but I don't want the names to become super popular and thus having to change them... :-) I will give a hint though! The boy names have the initials C & A and the only girl name we can agree upon starts with a M... :-)

My mom called to tell me some not so good news about my grandma. She's not doing so well to say the least... I have so many emotions I am dealing with on this topic alone. Please just keep my Grandma in your thoughts and prayers if you may...

After getting off the phone with mom, I tried to catch up on some friends' blogs and read Annie's post on the poem. The same poem I have copied into yesterday's post. Tears streamed my face... I am so very excited that the end of the heart wrenching journey is over for Annie and Joel and so excited that this new journey, the one filled with tears not for loss but for joy as well as a lifetime of happiness has begun! I also cried for myself. As a reminder that I WILL be a mom, one day. Just tears that needed to flow.

When I could see again, I got up to let the dogs out and when I walked by the couch I saw a little package on the loveseat. I saw it was from my friend Cindy who is sending me her nursery set! It was ultra small to be everything so I was curious what was in here... I tore that open like it was Christmas morning! I gently caressed the fabrics that were sewn to the pillow and hamper liner and mobile arm... I closed my eyes and let myself imagine my baby enjoying these items. Okay, that was a bit more imagination than reality... It was something tangible, yet again, that I had in my possession for MY baby!

I ended the day talking with a friend in Georgia whom I have not spoken to in some time... We did some serious catching up which called for a late bedtime and made wake up time come extra early!

April 9- On my way to work, just as every other day, I listen to Joy FM. It's the Christian radio station around here and it does not come in very well... Anyways, Michael W. Smith and Steven Curtis Chapman are having a concert here this month and it is sold out so Joy FM is giving away tickets! On top of that, they are drawing ONE grand prize winner who not only gets front row seats and backstage passes to meet them but per request, gets to choose ONE person whom "they want to be 'United' with". Well, as the story goes. I was the correct caller this AM and won the two tickets to the concert! :-) I also am now in the running to be united with whom I chose... Of course, I wanna see my mom! So tomorrow at 7AM is the Grand Prize drawing so we'll see!!!!

My follow up ultrasound appointment today went very well. I took the boys and they were VERY well behaved not to mention, the center of attention amongst all the staff members there! They don't get to see very many babies... People are going to get pregnant not to deliver t here! I have one dominant follicule on my left ovary measuring 11.2mm by 11.0mm. I had several much smaller ones on my right side but do not believe they will catch up and thus I'll only ovulate one egg. Hey, that's a-okay with me as long as this one egg is the magic egg to bring on my baby!!! He upped my dosage from 100unites of Follistim to 125unites of Follistim a day starting today until Sunday. Monday I am to go back for another follow up ultrasound and see if we're ready for the Trigger shot and hopefully a successful ovulation, fertilization, implantation, and a thriving baby!!!!!!

Oh please God let this cycle work... Bless us with our long desired to have baby!!! We will tentatively know if we are pregnant or not May 1... If this is the case, it could make for an amazing month of May or a really sucky month of May... So many BIG things going on then that I would LOVE to be pregnant to enjoy them all or else I may find myself in hibernation until June 1. :-)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

200th Post worthy...Encouraging!

ETA- I was in such a hurry to post this last night so no story went along with this... I do believe I will follow in Annie's footsteps and print this out and paste it everywhere I would possibly ever have an opportunity to read it. Okay, so maybe Annie didn't go THAT far with it but it is a mighty encouraging poem. One filled with hope and hurt and joy all at the same time. Which is exactly what I feel and so many other women...

Although, I will say that I do not believe mothers who battled with infertility are the only "good" mothers out there. My mom was/is one mighty fine mom and Lord knows she never had problems getting pregnant... I DO have three brothers! haha!

Original-

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or
because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,explore,and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and
that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill,
take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor,
friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown